Nothing was accomplished by posting my first blog the other day. I alarmed my friends, and to be quite honest, it wasn’t truly me. I suffer from deep seated depression, and I haven’t had a bout with it for years. I put my head in the bible on Monday, and didn’t come up for air until this morning.
I had recently accepted a nanny position with three amazing children. As I did not have my own children (my stepson, Brad, is my husband’s child, but I love him as if he were my own.) My thoughts on the position were this: “God wants you to have the family you were never able to have, this will be a tremendous blessing.”
Let’s back things up a bit. We’ll discuss my first day at the job. I arrived at 7:30 a.m., fully expecting a run down of where things were, what to feed the baby, any information that was necessary for me to make it through the day. I expected to put Mary Poppins to shame. I have a good sense of humor, and animals and children love me. I can do this.
Uh, NO I CAN’T. I was given no directions, had to search the entire house to find a diaper, and guess what? The 7 month old doesn’t nap. At all. I took the poor 6 year old to the wrong bus stop, only to find he had crossed back over a major highway because I was supposed to wait with him. I found him crying at the back door, afraid to tell me I had screwed up. I am an EMT, CNA and have faced challenges in my life that have made me the strong woman I am today. But sweet JESUS, I was not prepared for that. It humbled me. And I became increasingly depressed and anxious as the day of my return crept closer.
I went down to the lake at Middlecreek yesterday. I hike every day and the woods have been a magical place of rest an communion with my Maker. I was dreadfully sick with an intestinal virus, but my puppy, Jesse, needed to be walked and I needed to make someone, ANYONE, happy. As we ventured forward, (it was incredibly windy, and trees were creaking and cracking) I had a strong sense of wanting to run in the opposite direction. I was frightened that my puppy would get hurt, and I wasn’t necessarily capable of any feats of strength if something were to happen.
We turned around and went to the water. I threw a stick and Jesse joyfully retrieved it. I felt the warmth of the Son upon me, and a smile crept to my face. It was then that I turned around and found the most beautiful white feather, with a perfect drop of water shining like the son.
“It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega-the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.” (Revelations 21:6)