The Living Waters……

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Nothing was accomplished by posting my first blog the other day.  I alarmed my friends, and to be quite honest, it wasn’t truly me.  I suffer from deep seated depression, and I haven’t had a bout with it for years.  I put my head in the bible on Monday, and didn’t come up for air until this morning.

I had recently accepted a nanny position with three amazing children.  As I did not have my own children (my stepson, Brad, is my husband’s child, but I love him as if he were my own.)  My thoughts on the position were this:  “God wants you to have the family you were never able to have, this will be a tremendous blessing.”

Let’s back things up a bit.  We’ll discuss my first day at the job.  I arrived at 7:30 a.m., fully expecting a run down of where things were, what to feed the baby, any information that was necessary for me to make it through the day.  I expected to put Mary Poppins to shame.  I have a good sense of humor, and animals and children love me.  I can do this.

Uh, NO I CAN’T.  I was given no directions, had to search the entire house to find a diaper, and guess what?  The 7 month old doesn’t nap.  At all.  I took the poor 6 year old to the wrong bus stop, only to find he had crossed back over a major highway because I was supposed to wait with him.  I found him crying at the back door, afraid to tell me I had screwed up.  I am an EMT, CNA and have faced challenges in my life that have made me the strong woman I am today.  But sweet JESUS, I was not prepared for that.  It humbled me.  And I became increasingly depressed and anxious as the day of my return crept closer.

I went down to the lake at Middlecreek yesterday.  I hike every day and the woods have been a  magical place of rest an communion with my Maker.  I was dreadfully sick with an intestinal virus, but my puppy, Jesse, needed to be walked and I needed to make someone, ANYONE, happy.  As we ventured forward, (it was incredibly windy, and trees were creaking and cracking) I had a strong sense of wanting to run in the opposite direction.  I was frightened that my puppy would get hurt, and I wasn’t necessarily capable of any feats of strength if something were to happen.

We turned around and went to the water.  I threw a stick and Jesse joyfully retrieved it.  I felt the warmth of the Son upon me, and a smile crept to my face.  It was then that I turned around and found the most beautiful white feather, with a perfect drop of water shining like the son.

“It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega-the Beginning and the End.  To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of life.  All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.” (Revelations 21:6)

 

 

 

 

 

 

He isn’t finished with me….

I am a recovering anorexic, bulimic, cancer patient, alcoholic and struggle with depression, ADHD, OCD, PTSD and, depending on the day, low self esteem.  I have people pleased my way through life, forgetting the ultimate necessity:  self love and self care.

I thought I had it licked.  At least the depression and low self esteem part.  A few months back I was at the funeral of a friend’s son.  He was her only child.  She cherished him and had suffered debilitating symptoms from Lyme disease.  The funeral was at a small town church, the church I used to attend.

My husband and I were siting in the balcony, and when my friend entered the church, visibly leaning on her husband, it was all I could do to stifle my scream.  I dug my nails into my husband’s legs.  Startled by strange hands on the back of my neck, I turned around and discovered a friend of my husband’s.  I had never met her before, but knew she was “famous” in our neck of town. She made beautiful felt purses, and her creativity knew no bounds.  She was an artist, a dreamer, and, it turns out, a Reiki Master in training.

As we exited the church, she spoke to me about Reiki Healing…and how she felt I would benefit from it.  She was training, and there was no charge.  My first visit left me a bit uncomfortable, as it was up close and personal.  By the third session I was hooked, and on the way to healing.

For the next few months I soared.  It seemed that there was finally an end to the depression and I saw beauty in all things.  Until a member of my church, and someone I truly trusted, began to tell me about praying to angels and how that isn’t an option.  We need to pray to God.  Jesus has always and will always be my Lord and Savior. I don’t remember ever “praying” to an angel.  But something changed in me the minute I heard those words.

I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday.  One by one the precious necessities of life seemed to elude me.  Was it my negative thinking and desire to off myself with my husband’s hunting gun?  Could that be the reason I burned a hole in my robe, didn’t make it to Easter Sunday service, and had to call off to a job as a nanny I had just started last week?  I do not have the answers I once thought I did.  But this I know, He has taken me this far for a reason, and once I figure out what that is, well, I will be unstoppable.

So for this minute, I will nurture myself and get down on my knees.  Please stay tuned, as I intend to help as many people as I can, to find the life they so richly deserve.