I have had a brutal day, and I am still simmering a bit. I don’t want to rehash the day, but I was judged, humiliated and insulted by a member of my church family: publicly, on my Facebook page. I was told to “stop revolving your life around your dog,” and “why don’t you count your blessings instead of worrying and complaining all of the time?” I saw it at 6:30 this morning. I was not fully awake when I first read her words. I had merely posted a video of a wolf caught in a trap, and blogged that it reminded me of when Dylan (our other beloved golden, now in the arms of the angels) was caught in a coyote trap, and how painful an experience it was for us.
That being said, I don’t feel the need to apologize for my feelings. I am honestly saying that rather than have it ruin my day, my near and dear ones rallied to the cause. Thank you and I love you. You lifted me up, and I truly felt loved. I had a day of inordinate anger towards something I cannot change. I felt as if I’d been slapped across the face. She knows that I have PTSD, yet she called me out about getting a job and “learning how to deal with life.” Ouch.
If you know me, you know I have come very far in the last 10 sober years. But it doesn’t even matter-I don’t understand why Christians feel the need to not just pick up that stone, but throw it. In your face. I am still shaking, still reeling and yet I know that my tribe is with me. You understand my love of dog. You understand that next to Jesus and my husband, my dogs are family. Period. I should have asked her to stop spending so much time with hers. But I cannot, will not, shall not play the game. I am not a hypocrite, I live my life out loud and in the public arena because I am trying to help others, help myself to understand that all that Jesus wants is for us to love one another – how badly do we mess this up?
My loved ones know that in nature I find my solace. I find my peace with my dog, Jesse, by my side, out on the trails of beautiful Lancaster county, and for that I apologize to no one. JC and I are cool, if you know what I’m saying. He knows how hard I fought my way out of a bottle, and he knows who loved me through it. He was by my side the night I tried to kill myself, and again the next morning when I had to be taken to the bathroom by a cop in a hospital. I was on suicide watch. I will not go to the extreme of rehashing every step of the way-but I have dealt with crippling depression and anxiety, PTSD-every day I walk this earth is a miracle. I won’t try to defend my right to spend time out in nature with my dog all damn day and all damn night, seriously, may I ask how this is any of your business?
Here’s the thing: I am healing in the best way I know how, and it has been a beautiful journey so far. I cherish each and every day. I don’t take a breath for granted. Truly. I want to live my life in peace. I am fighting for our financial future and have plenty of socializing. For me. My friends know that I suffer from depression. My family knows I fought drug addiction and take my sobriety very seriously. I am a spiritual and loving person. All I want is to have a good relationship with Jesus, give and show love to others and pursue my talents that He has blessed me with. I want to live my life not so much under the scrutiny, or publicly. It terrifies me. But I keep trying. Because I know that if I don’t-I will miss the entire reason I am here-and that is to be a light worker, healer and friend. I won’t mess with you. But when you attack me or my loved ones you best believe I am going to have something to say about it.
Please don’t put me in your box. You know nothing of me. I feel incredible sadness at your hands and life is way to short to live here.
And lady, my dog has more class in his fingernail than you possess in your entire boudoir.