M is for Manifest……………….
Sorry I haven’t written for awhile………………….my PTSD has run amok and I am just now able to breathe, think, create. I am writing a series on coming out of the New Age, and whilst on my morning hike I thought of how I was taught by my Reiki Master to think only positive thoughts and that we create the situations we find ourselves in. I could never come to peace with that notion. Do children bring abuse or molestation upon themselves for thinking negative thoughts? Do parents bring about the loss of a child simply by worrying about their safety? I think not.
Because I have mental health issues, (depression, PTSD, GAD, ADHD) I was terrified to have a thought, let alone a negative one. For a year and a half I stuck by this “positive manifestation” nonsense, and I am here to tell you that no matter how hard I tried, I could not think of asking God to bless me a little more why don’t you? I am quite blessed in many ways, too many to count. I have a lovely home in the country (yes, our house needs work, and a ton of it, but I have a roof over my head), a good man for a husband (he drives me crazy in seven different languages, but basically, he is a decent soul) true friends and a flare for the creative. I have my faith and that means so much to me. I have family, and that doesn’t necessarily mean blood.
Speaking of PTSD, mine was initially triggered by emotional abuse at the hands of my narcissist mother, for which I have forgiven her completely. At nineteen I was date raped by a man who then went out to the quad and played Frisbee with his friends-leaving me to cry, disassociate and clean up the mess. In 1993 I was hit by a drunk on a Harley, leaving me for dead on a country road in the middle of the night. Trigger number three. And then, last June, while walking on Deer Path Trail in the Middlecreek Wildlife Conservation Park, I was stalked by a naked man carrying a metal detector.
Hiking with my golden retriever, I heard a rustling of leaves when we turned the bend towards the water. “A bird,” I thought out loud. As we reached the more treacherous part of the trail, I was hit with the paranoid thought that someone was following me. Standing at the railroad ties that bridged the mucky quicksand, I turned around. There he was, his wild red hair and nakedness enough to put the fear of God in me. I motioned to my pup, who immediately got the message and ran with me, jumping over rocks and tree limbs in our path. My heart was in my throat and I didn’t look back, just ran until the clearing……I emerged from the woods a nervous mess, distraught and breathless. Turned out there were Conservation Officers doing trail checks (Divine Intervention) and they set out, guns at the ready, to find the perpetrator. They found him masturbating, and trying to throw away the evidence……no charges were filed. He wasn’t even warned. I ended up being the one to chase him at speeds over 100 mph., just because they couldn’t get his license plate. Harrowing……….
I shut down that day. Completely unhinged, I went to said Reiki Master and asked that she pray over me.
“You know you brought this on yourself, right?”
I should have throat punched her right then and there.