Just got off the phone, I was talking to my close friend about my “family of origin”-that’s what my “therapist” termed it-problems. Actually, they are not problems any longer. In a nut shell (you are only as sick as your secrets, and while I don’t ever plan on speaking about what goes on in my boudoir, God FORBID, I am an open book, and am finished hiding, running and cowering) I was raised by an alcoholic father and emotionally abusive mother. The ensuing problems were text-book, and I have learned so, so much about myself, relationships and most importantly who I am in God’s eyes.
It has been over two months since I have had any interaction with the C-word (calm down, her name begins with a C) and let me tell you, baby-life is joy personified. Of course, I have an amazing support system. My husband has grown, we both have-I see Christ in his eyes, behavior and actions. He is loving, respectful and he makes me laugh when there is nuttin’ but doom and gloom around the corner, or hanging over our heads like a thick black cloud as we watch television. This was not the case for years and years, we struggled with addiction, immaturity and rage-we fought like cats and dogs, lions, tigers and bears. I was on the phone constantly, crying my heart out to my therapist, best friend, or crises intervention-more than I would like to admit. Life was hard, but the journey has been worth every minute of pain, every second of sorrow.
My mother died in 1992. Things were fine between my narcissist and myself, until I did the unthinkable. I made the horrifying decision to get and stay sober (with a few slips here and there) Why? Why did I not see the manipulations, lies, cruelty, all at the hands of one person? Every Spring, as June approached she would change her personality, or, the personality she put on for all to see. I made myself bat shit crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong-the silent treatment and gaslighting were unspeakable. Unspeakable. She picked up exactly where my mother had left off, and trust me, no beat was skipped. I made excuse after excuse for her behavior, and the self-hatred, harming and shame all came from one source. She did anything she could to make me doubt myself, my life, my reality. And now, I have resurfaced, a better and brighter person-wiser, yes. I stopped running, stopped living in fear, I faced the worst scary monsters, and with the help of God walked through the fire and am now happily on the other side of my pain. John 16:20:N
“You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”
I am here for you. I care. There is no need whatsoever to suffer in silence. We are victims of an insidious disease, one the experts say has no cure, because most people that fall into the Cluster B personality disorder group? They know there is something wrong, but they refuse to admit their need for help, no matter who they are hurting.
As Richard Gannon helped me to realize, “You’ve got to feel the feels.” Face the darkness, you are not alone. Jesus has been with me each and every step of the way, and he is with you too. All you need to do is ask, and he will be there; to love, cherish, respect and adore you-and trust me, you are worth it.
Note: I highly recommend Richard Gannon, Spartan Life Coach who has produced invaluable videos on YouTube on the subject of Narcisstic Personality Disorder, CPTSD, Empaths, Codependence and much more.