You know it when you see it-magnetic, crazy-making, illicit lust. And the moment I met Dwain-well, that was the end of my sanity, marriage, and all I thought I knew about myself.
I met him for the first time at a company party. I was engaged to marry his boss, and I disliked him instantaneously. I disliked him because the gravitational pull was other worldly. I told him I loved him the first time he kissed me, and the fact was, I did. I remember sneaking away, a week after my then husband attempted to strangle me on our honeymoon in Martha’s Vineyard. I remember sending a post card,
“Having a wish, time you were here.”
Weeks later, while sitting on a four wheeler, very much married at the time, Dwain asked me if I thought it could work, if we could make it through the painful struggle of telling my ex, coming out to my family, hurting Karl……that day I moved in with Dwain, or Charlie as I like to call him. I had cervical cancer at the time, so the hanky panky was out of the question, but we couldn’t keep our hands off one another, and this is true of us to this very day, some 25 years later. Karl did not take it well-he called me one day and asked the question,
“Who is more expendable? A metallurgical engineer or a foundry worker?”
I was stuck between my rock and a hard place, Dwain was going through a bitter divorce and child custody battle when I met him. Even though I admitted my love for another man weeks before the wedding, Karl would not/could not face the truth. If Dwain lost his job, he would lose everything-his farm, his son, his sanity. I remember having my maid of honor check the church on the day of my wedding……..Karl had invited Dwain, but I knew in my heart if I saw him in the pews, I would run for him and directly out the door. Why did I go through with this farce? To this day, I firmly believe that I felt pressured, by friends, family, and even the priest who married us. I took full responsibility for my actions, but not until the day my husband pulled into the driveway with a gun in his hand, and Dwain in his sites.
Karl moved on and happily: he has a beautiful son, married the woman of his dreams, let’s just say I keep tabs on his well being, the guilt and shame still echoes in the cobwebs of my reality. And the love of my life? The lust I have for him has yet to fade, his green eyes still startle when he gazes into mine, he has stuck by me through alcoholism, drug addiction, CPTSD, major depressive disorder and family issues that plagued us until very recently. He understands the machinations of my artsy fartsy self-and that means so much as he is as simple and country boy as they come.
We have moved mountains to love one another, and now we can dance in the rain.