TRIGGER WARNING: This video is upsetting to most, graphic content and possible trigger for those of us suffering from CPTSD.
I was so nervous heading to Villanova for my first year of college. I was a jock/nerd in high school, and I was petrified people would see through me. I had a humongous crush on the guy in my Calculus class, and the girl who sat beside me and I would giggle every time he came into the room. One morning I decided to follow him, in hopes that I would get his attention. He did notice, and later, in the quad, he asked me if I would like to go out to a party later that evening.
Weeks later, Michael and I are dating. He was the epitome of the Big Man on Campus, and everyone knew him. I was achingly thin, still suffering from anorexia, and the idea that he wanted me on his arm, at all the big frat parties, well-heady stuff my friends.
It was late Spring and pretty much everyone was out and about. Michael asked me to come up to his dorm room, and I didn’t think, I just acted.
“Want to come up and help me pack?” He asked on our way to a calculus final.
Later, while in his room, he raped me. No easy way to say it. I know that I said NO at least twenty times. I was bleeding, disheveled, crying. He grabbed his Frisbee and went to play with his frat brothers, while I-stunned and reeling at the fact that he had taken my virginity, taken my trust and all that was good and holy and true~
I washed up in the dormitory bathroom. He didn’t acknowledge me as I walked to my car. I lived in nearby King of Prussia, and headed for home. Coming into the hallway my mother gave me a cheerful hello. It was all I could do to acknowledge her. I couldn’t make eye contact, because she would know. She would know I turned out to be what she had always told me I would be: a promiscuous woman, a disgrace to the family, the black sheep that never had a chance to be white.