I had just begun to settle in, feel like myself again, feel real joy…..when the shadow people paid me a visit. No, not THOSE shadow people-my family of origin, as my recently fired psychologist likes to call it. They seem to think I am owed nothing in this life, not even my writing-and then a discussion with my bestie, in which she told me I was wrong to include information about my nieces and nephew’s childhood. At first, I argued the point. And then, sadly, I came to the conclusion that she was right as rain. One sentence out of one blog post had effectively terminated my integrity, and for that I am deeply disturbed.
Speaking of anxiety, you would be amazed at what triggers CPTSD, and why. The texts from the Adirondack Mountains, in which my husband was placed in the middle, again-well, that was just the tip of the iceberg. My weekend was ruined the minute Dwain spoke the words, “I need to tell you something.” A friend of mine, Gordon, and I were laughing hysterically in church yesterday: we were laughing at the way people give you bad news and how they preface it.
“By the way……..”
“Don’t shoot the messenger…….”
“I didn’t want to have to tell you this,” and the most mind crippling of all?
“You’re going to be really upset, but….never mind, I shouldn’t be the one to tell you this,” which leads you to think the worst about the people that surround you, your husband and the SAT scores you had in high school.
CPTSD triggers can come in many forms, shapes and sizes. and we don’t see them coming. One word, one look, one bad day…and the anxiety comes back, full throttle, in your face, mocking the idea that you have a right to be happy and at peace. They turn your world upside down, and as far as you have come with your emotional health? Well, that is all shattered and you have to start at the bottom, again.
But the fight is worth it, to get back on top. And I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.