Wow. I feel as if I just stepped off of the longest roller coaster ride of my life. I am drained, physically and emotionally. Feeling a bit woobly this morning, the rain like cats and dogs-I thought to myself, ‘it would be so much easier to sit here and skip church, it’s too yucky, and I’m just too exhausted.’
Preparing to write my previous blog, the words of the song-along with the Holy Spirit-sparked a fire within me that got me up and dressed for the service. After the heart breaking events of our week, Dwain needing it as much as me-I knew I needed my church family-and the ensuing morning would prove my discernment, as it was life affirming, soul filling and just plain mind-blowing. God works in the most baffling and thrilling way-if we are lucky, we will have more than a few moments alone with Jesus that tell you that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, He is with you. He is inside you. And worshipping Christ is your only way of getting to God, it’s just that simple.
We met with Dwain’s parents last evening to discuss our growing concerns about my stepson, Bud. After his vitriolic and frightening assassination of my character and heart-we have yet to hear from him, and his behavior is out of control. I spent a few days angry, really angry/broken. I didn’t eat, couldn’t sleep right, I shook-from head to toe. Ever waking thought was of his face, the veins bulging in his forehead, screaming his hatred and resentment of the woman who “ruined my father’s life.” Dwain also told me that Bud has a problem with “working to pay her SSI income,” and that my friends is what this blog is about. I knew nothing he was saying was true, but the NPD victim in me wondered. “Am I a joke to the entire family? Is it true they think me a “freak?”
By the time we met with my in-laws, I had developed a deep concern for my step son’s well being, the pain he was in-his heart crushed. I believe what happened was a Narcissistic rage brought on by my lack of interest in arguing over his current or ex girlfriend. And when I set my boundaries, telling him that he had a attitude, he realized then and there he couldn’t control me through emotional manipulation. And I became the scapegoat-once again.
While at Hosanna this morning, hearing the music flow over me, feeling the Holy Spirit fill me once again-I glanced toward the prayer closet. When it was clear that the room was free, I walked over to the two elders who ushered me inside. Two of the most amazing prayer warriors I have seen, wept with me as I broke down and asked for prayer for my husband’s broken heart, my stepson’s state of mind, and-finally, for protection for my family-the full and mighty armor of God.
I try not to become discouraged when someone close to me hasn’t the faintest clue about mental health-especially mine. The average person has absolutely no idea how hard we fight to get through a day, how much we hold in and end up taking it out on ourselves, via self harming, drug addiction, alcoholism. Joe Blow does not get it. At all. And it saddens me when I think that Bud hasn’t seen the transformation Jesus has performed in my life. Will I forever be the alcoholic and never get the credit for my sobriety and blessed beyond measure life? Does any of this really matter?
The answer is this: we are loved beyond measure by a merciful father in Heaven, who gave us His world, His one and only Son to cover our sins, so that we may live with him forever in the heavenlies, in paradise-no more pain of any kind. We have so very much to look forward to-it boggles the mind. If we are taken aback by the beauty we see on this planet now, can you IMAGINE what Heaven will be like?
In the meantime? We truly need to love one another with compassion, understanding and respect. Hold on to your beloveds, but lightly-for we are here for the purpose of doing God’s work, and our loved ones belong to Him, no matter how terribly hard it is in the letting go~