This is a story about authenticity. You can (and I did) go through life codependently, needing to be accepted-no matter the cost to your soul: or you can learn from your trauma, your grief and abuse-and live an honest, authentic and loving existence. I choose the latter, and now that my mood swings have evened out, I believe I can write about the challenges we face when indeed we do have a “policy of truth.”
Some of you have read my blogs and know that I was severely abused by members of my family. And just when I was at the point of feeling the freedom from codependence I realized that there were other narcissists in my life. Unfortunately, they are family-only on my husband’s side. I blame myself for some of it, as for years I let those close to me-including Dwain’s family- walk all over me, shame me, ignore me and spread flat out lies about my character, my life.
What occurred this afternoon will never, ever be forgotten. I am over the shock and gut wrenching pain, but my heart is grieved-and I feel deep betrayal on every level, surround me. I had addressed his attitude after Christmas, and while I didn’t receive an apology, he was cool around me later, copasetic. Yesterday, he came out to the farmette, and walked right by me without saying word one. I could not imgaine what in the WORLD I had done.
So Bud is on the farm again.
Let’s just talk things out I say, in a very reserved, yet friendly manner.
He immediately gives me the glare that narcs around the world are famous for… and blows me off. “You have an attitude,” I mumbled as he went towards his truck.
“Really? Really Michele? Do you want to go a round with me now?” He was in my face, and I began to cry as he uttered (more like in my face screamed-the following phrases, that brought me to my knees in psychic pain. Yes, I am sedated, but I need to write, to share my despair.
-YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BLOOD SUCKING LEACH
-THE ENTIRE FAMILY THINKS YOU’RE A JOKE, A FREAK
-I RUINED THE LAST 25 YEARS OF HIS LIFE.
-WHY DON’T YOU RUN INSIDE AND TAKE A FEW MORE PILLS?
-THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE, YOU DIDN’T PUT A FUCKING PENNY INTO THIS HOUSE, SO DON’T CALL IT YOUR HOME, IT’S NOT YOURS.
-LOW LIFE BITCH
-THIS FAMILY HATES YOU
He was screaming these things in my face. I now know that I have been victimized by a family of narcissists, and I was visibly shaken, actually terrified by the time he had left. I had no idea what he was talking about, and I cried out, screamed “WHY ARE YOU SAYING THESE THINGS TO ME. THEY ARE LIES? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, PLEASE-please stop.” But he wouldn’t. He chased me up the stairs, and it was then I thought he would hurt me.
I was sick for two hours. In shock, I phoned a friend and she walked me through my panic attack, my crushing blow-I had worked for 20 years, full time. I usually had two jobs, actually. I have single handedly decorated, painted and restored this historical home. I have lush gardens. I volunteer. I am thrifty and extraordinarily forgiving. I never asked anything from him, and I tried to love him, but he rarely let me in. I could feel the hatred, the heat. I was losing my grip on reality, felt as if I would faint. I do the chores on the farm, take care of all of the animals, and ALL housework. I cook and clean to the point of exhaustion (OCD)because I am anxious. Nothing made sense.
And as I knelt and cried, a rumpled mess in the driveway, I realized that I have been right for 25 years. My in laws are hypocrites. They know nothing of mental illness. My maniac of a mother in law is a full blown psychopath. So, she started the campaign against me years ago. She has convinced her only grand son that I am a horrible, greedy, leeching, lazy loser who wants nothing but to ruin my husband, the absolute love of my life-our marriage is strong and loving, we won’t be going back to the days of disruption, jealousy or control. I suspected this for twenty years-and he is in so much pain, anguish the likes I don’t think he has seen since he lost the custody battle.
Dwain came to hold me as I broke down in the kitchen. I put my head in his chest and wept fresh tears-they continue into this morning. I am left in the dust…..and there is nowhere to go but to the God who knows my anguish; and there I will languish by the living waters, until my heart is mended once again.