Just sitting by the pond, actually looking at social media accounts, when I came across a bombshell. My mother in law, or ex MIL, I should say-has moved from Pittsburgh-to a town not ten minutes away. She is in a nursing home, and I am left with memories of lost days, lost family, and some of the best years of my life.
This hits me hard, like a baseball to the gut. I want to see her, I want to apologize for the pain I have caused her family. I want us to be friends again, yet I know I’m treading on very thin ice. My ex had an incredible, closely knit, Italian family. We ate quite a few dinners in rented halls, as there was no room anywhere else. We drank lots of wine and made merry-Karl’s brother Greg was my best friend, so much so that he travelled from Pittsburgh to be with me as I awaited news about my cervical cancer biopsy.
I had developed cervical cancer from ignoring a bout of chlamydia, given to me by a man I thought I loved. He left me pregnant and sick, and looking back I know it was a part of God’s plan. You see, after my cryosurgery and multiple ablations, I was deemed unable to have children. But here’s the thing: the surgeon told only my husband, who never thought to tell me. I was in the dark until a miscarriage I suffered soon after my marriage to Dwain.
“Why did you allow yourself to get pregnant?,” the stranger asked, as I lay on the table, bleeding profusely, crying softly.
“What kind of question is that? I’m married, and frankly, not your business.”cha
He went on to explain that it stated clearly in my chart that my uterus was pretty much useless after the biopsy-that I was scarred and twisted, that my husband, at the time, was notified.
“Spontaneous abortion,” he barked. I took the papers he was holding-a recommendation to have a D&C, and walked back to my old Chevette. I rushed home to tell Dwain, and quickly realized that he did not want more children. He lost his son in a custody battle and wasn’t prepared to lose another. It was heart wrenching and agonizing. But back to the story.
Greg arrived on a beautiful Summer day. Karl was at work, and we were getting ready to head out for lunch when the doctor called.
“The cancer is in situ, it hasn’t spread, we are relieved.”
Greg knew by my reaction that the news was good. We decided on a champagne lunch, but first I had to call his brother, give him the happy news as well.
“You just didn’t want children,” he screamed.
That evening, as a direct result of his attitude, I fell into the arms of the man I was meant to be with. We had been in love before my wedding, and I fought the good fight. He was asked not to attend, although he worked with my husband. I knew that if I had seen him as I walked down that aisle? I knew that I would run, run for my very life and never look back again.
There was no reason to fight the feelings for one more second. I yearned for him, as I do this very day. And Karl? He is happily married with a son. The Funk name will go on, and as for myself? I will live childless, yet happily ever after.,
God is good-you can trust him with anything, even your heart.