Stubborn Love


Arrgghhhhhh!!!!  Why does my husband argue with me when HE KNOWS I’M RIGHT???

Sitting here, quietly trying to write a blog, and he argues a point about something I am well, very well informed.  He wants to believe what the news is telling him, he doesn’t want to hear about reality.  And I will grant him his request, as I have no intention of making my worrier, well, worry.  🙂

This morning, I had a well thought out blog.  You always think you’ll remember your stories, I mean, they are yours!  But no, my memory escapes me…so this writing will be about love.  I know, gee whiz, Michele-what a profound idea for a blog!!!

My beautiful boy Dylan McDoogle Elkins-Hoffmananoff. You were my world baby.

Loving others ain’t for the weak of heart, nor the timid.  It hurts when you love-even in the best of scenarios-you will feel a bottomless pit of despair at some point in your relationship.  Dylan, my golden retriever, passed in January of 2015.  I had pled with God, and he was gracious enough to give us thirteen beautiful years.  I don’t remember the first five years of his life; because I drank my days away.  Some days, it adds to my grief.

Oh, and don’t think you’re getting out of the whole scene because you “put your walls up, nope, you’re not letting anybody into your kingdom.”  That’s such a load of bull excrement!!!!  The people who tell you they don’t want human interaction, especially the romantic kind?  They are the loneliest people of all.

My brother in law is almost sixty years old, and he has not even dated since his high school girlfriend broke his heart.  He brags about being a bachelor, and having all of the freedom in the world.  He does not know we see the despair, the hauntingly lonely look in his beautiful brown eyes.  He would make some woman a fabulous husband, with his generous heart and soulful peepers-he is a catch.  I fear women, and men for that matter, smell neediness a mile away-which breaks my heart because there are millions of people looking for love.  Millions.

alone animal bird clouds
What is she searching for? Love, of course.

I am not saying that there aren’t people out there who are perfectly content on their own.  Some of these people are friends, who lost husbands they couldn’t think of replacing.  The fact is that men do worse alone than women.  Men take breakups harder and they live much longer lives if they remain married, or in a relationship.  I’m old fashioned and I love taking care of my husband.  Unfortunately, it’s the other way around so much of the time.  But he loves me madly and unconditionally-and I wish I could put him in my back pocket, and carry him around-we really do much better when we spend more time together, alas-that is impossible, I’m afraid.

Fell madly in love with this face-at almost-first-sight. He’s as sexy to me now as he was 27 years ago.

We have fought tooth and nail, threatened divorce, strangled each other and I even had a secret three year PFA against me.  He abused me emotionally, to the point (with the combination of my sister) of suicidal ideation and virtually zero self esteem.  I was very sick and vulnerable.  I hadn’t learned boundaries because we weren’t raised with them.  I was broken and addicted.  Things changed when I became sober, but it took years for me and Jesus to get to the point of self love, self respect-the most important kind of love.  If you don’t love yourself baby girl?  You will attract the bottom dwellers, psychopaths and narcissists.  I praise God every day that Jesus and Dwain came together.  I have seen the Holy Spirit change his heart completely.  He is the man of my fairy tales, the man is my soul mate.  We argue now and then because there is a passion between us; I pray it never fades.  He has been my greatest gift, for better or worse.

Give and you will receive.  Your gift will return to you in full-pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap.  The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.                       Luke six:38  NLT

Sorry-my piece of &*%#@!! pc will not type the numbers four or six.  🙂


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