Every other Sunday, I work at our church Welcome Center. I genuinely like my coworker, (names have been changed to protect the criminally insane, mainly me) Alice. When we began working together, about two years ago, she frightened me to death. I feared she may be judgmental, and I’ll be honest-she intimidated me-two years ago, that is.
When I first began attending Hosanna, I wasn’t in the best place at that time in my life. I hadn’t dealt with my poor self esteem issues, and was not aware that my PTSD was eating away at my life, making me cripplingly insecure, and a people pleaser. I tried to hard. I wanted everyone to love me. I had just come from a very broken church, and the grief enveloped me to the point where I am sure it showed.
Alice is pleasant, and I admire her status as a cancer survivor. She likes things done her way, so we have fallen into a pattern of her doing the desk work, and me doing the people work. I know she means well, but I am beginning to tire of her putting me down. I am beginning to feel as if I should protect my heart, as she criticizes almost everything I do-but here’s the catch-she’s my sister and I love her, so therein lies the rub.
I told Alice about a picture of one of the congregants cats, who had just passed away.
I don’t do any social media. You have to be very careful being on the internet, it is very evil and you are swayed way too easily. You have no idea what goes on, (she is shaking her head as if I am a toddler) and we (Christians) would do best to stay away.
I mentioned that I wrote a blog on WordPress, a Christ centered one at that. She mumbled underneath her breath.
I wanted to say something, yet gone is my rage. I find it impossible to remain angry with some folks, and what is the point of harboring resentment? I need to speak up or shut up. I will pray for a way to approach her-say my peace and be done with it.
I believe she would be horrified to think she has hurt me; and I know I enabled the behavior simply by allowing it. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, she is kind and compassionate-yet today it kind of stood out, and gone are my paranoid ways: as a sensitive and intuit, I found it excruciatingly difficult to discern between being oversensitive and just plain hurt. Over the past two years, Jesus and I have been working on my self esteem, values and perceptions. I now know that I am okay, worthy and pure in God’s eyes. This has changed not only my persona, but my boundaries.
I have found freedom in authenticity. It has been a tiring, painful journey to get to this stage in the game-where I have tired of the human punching bag role in life. I think myself equal with all people, no better, no worse.
How is Jesus working in your life? Anyone have a similar experience? I’d love to hear your thoughts~<3