On This Solid Rock I Stand

All other ground is sinking sand.

I used to work as a food demonstrator for our local Dutchway Farmer’s Market.  This was three years ago, but I remember well the day I met her: dressed in piety, she waxed poetic on why HER church (Catholic) took the book of Enoch out of the bible.  She would run up to me, spouting her latest technique to get God’s attention.  She thought she knew it all.

“I have decided not to wear makeup, you know, to look pure in front of God.”

I had my good and bad days at this particular job, but this

was not the former and I wanted to bash her skull in.  There, I said it.  

“Cut the sanctimonious bullshit, sister.  Shut your effing mouth.  Do you want a piece of me?  Do you?????”

That was my thought cloud on that particular day.  I didn’t calm down until she pranced her pious ass to the deli counter.  Forget you.

I have always resented the self righteous.  I remember in sixth grade I got in trouble for spitting my gum out at the crosswalk.  Kim Fields, a more obnoxious child has not travelled the earth, and boy was I pissed.

“IT’S FUCKING BIODEGRADABLE KIMMY.”

Oh, if only I had that filter-but I don’t and I won’t.  And the God’s honest truth?  I believe He made me this way for a reason.  Later on, that same year, I was tormented on the playground because of my purple raincoat-wings included.  I was teased for being fat, and the weird thing was?  The ring leader was the largest kid in our class (being kind)  This did not bother me in the least (looking back, it amazes me) and I finally turned around one Fall day and let them have it.  And that was the exact moment I befriended Denise, who would later be in my wedding, and who came close to having me arrested whenever we cruised the mall.

“I dare you to take that man’s hat and run like your hair is afire.”

True story.

And at that time, I was so desperate to make her laugh?  I would have done anything.  Well, almost anything.

As the good Lord would have it, I am not a follower, a sheeple, an NPC or a spineless doormat.  I am Michele, Queen of the Absurd, the ridiculous, the this shit wouldn’t happen to anyone but me-Seriously???  But it’s AOK, because I made a covenant with God years ago.

“Dear God, I promise, I will endure the most absurd situations in exchange for the health and happiness of my family, my husband and my dog.  Amen.”

He hasn’t let me down yet.  Why just this morning?  I opened the frig (pre-joe) looking for my creamer.  A big box of batteries came hurling from above, the top of the frig is Dwain’s domain, and it looks like the Bermuda Triangle-complete with socks, important documents and said batteries that almost knocked my block off.  Yet I was nonplussed (part of the drill, I’m immune to flying objects-God’s got this) as the case missed my head by mere centimeters.  Hey, I’ll take it.  Of course, I promptly walked into the sharp edge of the kitchen cupboard with my face, but a girl can’t have everything!

The reason the Book of Enoch was taken from the Bible?  The powers that were, the elite, the Satanic bloodlines-they didn’t want us to have this powerful information.

And what do I say to them?

 

 

 

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