Somewhere between a great morning hike and a shower, I lost my will to go on. I won’t pretend I’m kidding, because the fact is, I’m not. I thought of turning the jeep on in the garage, then numbly walked through the house, a broken toy of a woman.
I couldn’t feel, I wouldn’t feel. As if hit by lightning, I lost all reason to continue my stay here on planet earth. I took my case to God, and He answered with what I understood to be a Shhush.
Perhaps the days of caring far too much have tipped the scale, and now I feel too little.
After a hot shower, and my mary jane-nothing.
If I am at the bottom of the abyss, it feels oddly comforting-submerged in the ocean of want-I am free floating. I remember the days in my father’s pool, how dipping under the water was the ultimate escape. No one can hurt you there. You are surrounded by a peace that is deafening. I hated coming up for air.
Kind of like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, my all time favorite flick.
What I wouldn’t do for that cement pond, and the family that appeared to go with it.
Growing pains, that’s all.
For when I am weak, then am I strong.