Day three of forced captivity, after a few days of ice and snow. I gave it a try, I really did-but with my knee in the healing process-and not wanting to crack my head open, again, one slip feeding the cats and I was DONE. I don’t do well with mandatory anything, and I’m quite sure that if I had hiked the mountains of Pennsylvania this morning? I would be dreaming of a stormy day nap.
The grass is always greener. That isn’t my nature, though. I have always tried to make the best of each and every circumstance-sometimes it worked, more often than not-it didn’t. You see, when you are a victim of emotional abuse as a child, you don’t think you deserve to be treated fairly, be happy, or even loved for that matter. What I’m saying is, those of us who have faced the crushing despair of abuse are experts at making the most hideous situations look like a trip to Disney World. This is the very characteristic that makes us such targets for narcissists. Let’s face it, we allow or better yet enable the bullies for the very reason they abuse-we think nothing of ourselves. Frankly, we are terrible with boundaries, because there were none as children and way into adulthood. So, what I am saying is this: if you don’t expect good things/people/blessings to happen to a poor sod like yourself?
Christ has brought me out of the darkness and in to the most surreal of lights. I am beyond blessed by a life I never expected, in my wildest dreams, to have. I praise God each and every day for healing my Lyme, healing my heart, and bringing me home. It’s hard to put into words, this ethereal lightness of being. It often takes me way longer than it should, this vision of the tapestry my beloved Abba is weaving in to the very fibers of my life. We can grow in leaps and bounds if we allow God to do the work, and get out of our own ways.
When you stop judging and start loving as Jesus taught us to love?
Time alone is time on my hands and that means I am prone to deep meditation. This morning, while praying, I saw them-the scars on my wrists from that dreary October evening twelve years ago. They startled me out of my talk with Jesus, and a tear fell from my face, onto the book I was reading. I was back there, that evening, and the awakened remorse, pain and shame were too much to take.
I stumbled into the kitchen, feeling it necessary to fix this situation by making brownies. And I remembered a line I have repeated over and over again,
“You gotta feel the feels.” – Richard Gannon, psychiatrist
I had been on my high horse as of late, judging people like crazy. Not the people in my life, but the principalities in high places. The rich. The elite. The treasonous. That’s when God took my hand, and led the way to a breakthrough that has been weeks in the process.
Rather than judging them, how about praying for them?
I’m a survivor because Jesus Christ picked me up when I was at rock bottom-leading me out of the despair, the hopelessness-into a blessed and beautiful life.