God shows up in big and small ways in everyone’s life at one point or another. For me? He is always there like a rainbow at the end of my storms, and my gratitude knows no bounds. After an honest talk with my physician, I realized that I wasn’t depressed or angry for no apparent reason: in the hustle and bustle of life? I had forgotten I was grieving the death of a friend. Scott was the third best friend I have lost, and frankly? I had given up hope and need for love. It was too big a risk-I trusted no man or woman with the likes of my heart.
I was terribly lonely.
Here is the rub, I would rather be alone than suffer another fool. Period. Oh, I had tried, on numerous occasions, to make new friends. And each and every time it was a bust, a mind fuck, a disappointment. Recent revelations (not ready to write about it yet) cemented my belief that I truly didn’t need anyone out of my intimate circle. I was content with the few friends that stuck, and to be honest? I thrive in isolation. The quietness of the soul, the freedom to create, the soothing voice of Jesus unheard whilst among others.
And then something miraculous and totally unexpected happened. Numbed by pain and missing my family, I went through each day mechanically-doing what needed to be done. I had lost my joy, lost myself.
Would I come back to me, or was the Sara of old never to return?
I missed her. I longed for her. Where was the girl with all of the spunk and laughter? What happened to her lust for life, her ability to get back up-no matter how impossibly down? I ached, I shut down completely.
Suddenly, as Jesus would have it-love began to appear in my life once again. I ran into friends and reconnected. There was a visible lift in my loafers, my spirits soared. Slowly but surely, God made good and sure that I knew of the love others had for me. I feel as if I am surrounded by angels and backed by heaven.
I stood on the deck, waiting for Dwain to park the truck. I realized that my hair, which had been cut off last winter after a bout with the flu, had grown to it’s former length. I noticed the Pileated woodpecker in the big old maple. How long had I gone unawares, of life, of the people and places around me?
It’s good to be back.
It is well with my soul.