Hot thoughts are in my mind, all of the time. I may be sober, but that is far from being recovered. Every day is a new challenge…….the holidays, anxiety, old friends who don’t come around anymore, this because Team Hoffman is no longer the life of the party…..I would be a flat out liar if I said I didn’t miss the days of yore, but I can tell you what I don’t miss:
Drunken Dialing: I shudder at the thought of the phone calls I used to make while drinking. At one point, things became so bad that I had to hide my phones in my jeep, and lock the doors. This worked for about a week…..and then I was back to calling people I had a beef with: bosses, girl friends, ex-boyfriends, employees that screwed me over…..I actually had to beat my boss, a doctor, into work every morning to check the answering machine before she did. I was petrified I would quit without knowing it, and it didn’t stop until I gave up my drinking career altogether.
Unexplained Injuries: I fell down stairs, fell into the wood stove, ended up with third degree burns I couldn’t explain-one Christmas Eve, after drinking an entire bottle of Grand Marnier, I fell on the front porch, breaking my shoulder. I didn’t go to the doctor for over a year, too embarrassed and worried they would blame Dwain, like so many ER doctors had before.
The Morning After: Is there a worse feeling than losing utter control over your words and actions? I would gage just how bad my behavior had been the night before by my husband’s reaction upon my awakening. If he wasn’t speaking to me (more often the case than not) I knew that was a good indicator that I had tripped the light fantastic, done something I would learn to regret, and/or spewed vitriolic hatred at the closest target I could find. Chilling. I had so much pent up rage in those days? For good reason, but adding alcohol to the mix? Criminal insanity, this disease of addiction.
Yes. I want to be able to drink a beer, or twelve. No, that will never, ever be my choice again. And because of His amazing grace? I get to wake up free from the knowledge that I had done anything to upset anyone. Because of his protection? I never tried heroin, or crack. I don’t look at the recovery process any differently now than I did back then, but for one exception: I have finally given the pain, the heartache, the wounded warrior syndrome-I have given it to my higher power-and what a life it has become.