At the end of the day? We are not meant to go this world alone. We are to have meaningful and uplifting relationships, in an era of high tech and social media. If you can find someone to return a text? You have accomplished an amazing Feat of Festivus. Because I am the sensitive and loving heart that I do, I have come to the realization that I have tried, and way too hard, to befriend people who just aren’t friendship-worthy. I trusted far too easily, gave everyone and anyone the benefit of the doubt, and admittedly, was hurt by the inevitable end of said friendship/torture chamber/migraine level one thousand, for hundred and seventy two.
God has worked miracles in my life over the past few years. It is so vivid, the understanding that each and every personal tragedy I endured was for good reason; I am stronger, wiser and at a level of a peace that “surpasses all understanding.”
My husband made the unfortunate choice to announce to me this morning that I should “learn to give things to God, rather than worry about things all the time.” The gust of wind which flew out of my enraged mouth could have knocked over a grisly bear.
Do men not see us, at all? I love him with every ounce of blood in my being, but sweet Jeeze Louise, there are times…
“How, how could you not know that I DO give things to Him? Isn’t it evident, I’m not in a mental institution, correct?!!!!!”
God grant me the serenity and pray I have the wisdom not to punch my husband in the solar plexus. Amen.
I don’t remember how the topic came up, as we hiked the Hammer creek-but by the time we returned my mood had changed drastically, and it was all I could do not to break down into sobbing wails. Someone brought up my dear friend Scott, actually my best friend, Scott.
We had known them, they were neighbors forever-Sherry and Scott. Yet we were not close, and I didn’t truly get to know them until I worked a gig in their dog kennel. I watched as Scott dosed out medicine, handled dogs I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, and lovingly played with the menagerie as much as he could while running a business. I was so intimidated by him, and looking back I know that he was being a boss and professional. He was never, ever rude or uncaring-but he did have times of great sadness, and I learned to give him his space. Years ago he had beaten oral cancer, but the chemo and radiation took its toll-he had lost his hair and his teeth. No one ever looked at him differently, but I know the cancer took its toll on his strength and passion for life.
One day I came out of the gate with a golden lab; the dog was a year old, and I had no idea what lay in store. Yes, that day I was taught that Labrador retrievers had immense strength, energy and speed. I had decided to go to a new trail, directly across the street. I smirked to myself as I wondered out loud-why doesn’t everyone use this path? Moments later I was shocked out of my cocky attitude-that damn dog took me on a ride I will not soon forget. At one point? I lay on the ground and allowed him to pull me, as I had just run a mile or so at warp speed, and I didn’t have the strength to hold him back. Scott finally heard my screams, as I emerged from the pear grove like Medusa- he never, ever allowed me to walk a big dog again.
The time came for me to leave, as I had taken a cut in hours and their business slowed down for the Winter. There was the heated phone call I placed, thinking I had been shorted hours on my paycheck. I should be withheld phone privileges when I have PMS, and sadly, that was not the case this day.
I know it’s hard to believe, but I lost my cool on his poor wife.
The very next day Scott was at our home, apologizing and trying to give me money, which, of course, I wouldn’t take. Over the years a strong friendship formed, and I grew to love him and his wife, Sherry, very much. Scott simply understood me, and that blew my mind. Our chemistry was that of brother and sister. I could tell him anything, and he would just take it in. No judgement. Loads of laughter, we crack each other up.
Scott is in the final stages of stage IV cancer. He refused the treatment when the ugly fuck of a disease returned two years ago, and we all understood. He wants to enjoy what time he has left. His one and only worry is that his wife be okay after his departure. I can’t even imagine how she musters the strength to run a full time kennel/grooming business. Earlier today I felt crippled by emotion, I leaned into my husband, and I cried out-
“Everyone I have ever loved goes away.”
Dwain held me.
“I know baby. I know.”