I had a fabulous day today, one I had anticipated with dread. Errand running takes me out of my comfort zone-there are days when a simple phone call takes too much energy. If you suffer from depression or CPTSD, the idea of doing anything that involves people can rob you of your joy; especially in today’s world.
God has a way of rewarding us for entrusting our days to Him. Today, oh today I was blessed by a hike by the living waters, a beautiful day and the perfect Jonigold apples. None of this would have been possible had I isolated.
Some days, all it takes is a really good laugh to get me going in the right direction. Today was one of those days: Jesse in the back of the windowless jeep, we pass a farm. I am paying no attention to the scenery-believe me, I can only do one thing at a time, and I don’t combine driving with, well, anything. With no warning whatsoever, came the siren call that can be heard when living out in the country-
Mooooo!!! Moooo!!! Mooo!!!
Good Lord it sounded as if the entire herd were in the vehicle with us. Jesse jumped, I screamed. Two seconds later I my sides were splitting, and the world was turned right side up once again. I guess you had to be there, sigh.
After doing my chores, I took a hot shower and dressed. The awkward feeling of melancholy was taking hold once again. Have you ever been lonely, but known in your very gut that other people were not the answer? Well, I knew, and I searched within to see where the gaping wound was festering.
Most of the people I have deeply loved are gone, passed away. The very few I do allow into my life are treasured, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I have lost, for the most part, the people that loved me for who I was. The soul ties are missing from my life, and as with any other burden, I turned to Jesus for comfort.
People in these parts either love me or loathe me. The fact is? If you are your own person, and especially if you have picked up your cross and given your heart, soul and mind to Christ? You will be, and no specific order here-shunned, attacked, gossiped about and yes, loathed. It’s up to you to decide how to handle this. My approach is to try and fellowship with as many of my brothers and sisters as my PTSD will allow. I have tremendous trust issues, and sadly, most of the monsters I have had the displeasure of knowing I met in church. Fact.
After a tear or two, I went downstairs and dove into the Word-it did not disappoint. I am coming to the beginning of Revelations, a book I have never been able to complete. Reading about the false prophets John warns us about, the end times gurus, New Agers and Buddhists. Sorry, not stepping on toes. I believe the only way to God is through Jesus Christ, who was crucified on a cross on Calvary, and he alone is the way, the truth, and the life. Umm, it says so in the Holy Bible.
I can tell you that I was really upset last week when BOOM, out of nowhere, my 3,000 followers on my twitter account was down to zero. I had worked on some of these friendships for years, and to be frank I was enjoying a following of sorts. John F. Kennedy, Jr. was a follower, and man, I had to be vetted my brother! Dare I say it?
I was proud of my Twitter page.
Oh saints preserve us, how could that be? I never wanted a big following, wasn’t in it for the numbers-it was my good reputation in the Truther community that meant the world to me.
Okay. Two sins right there. We are to show no pride in ourselves, but give the glory and honor to God. At what precise point did my reputation as a journalist come before my love for Jesus? (No false Gods) I mean, I was addicted. I do miss the friendships, but God knew what he was doing! He knew I was done with that phase in my life, and that nothing good could really come of an addiction, especially in my case. I have freed up hours of time to read the Word, to be with Him.
Plus, my newly conquered, or so I thought, codependency resurfaced via the little blue bell that told you people liked you! They heard you! They even, some of them, loved you! Alas, social media is not the real world, it is a subversive fantasy island and why preach to the choir? It’s not like I was getting my point across to the other side because your feed is full of who you follow. It was toxicity itself.
Have you slowed down enough to see and hear what the Holy Spirit is whispering to your heart? Are you giving yourself the TLC your beautiful body and soul require? Caught up in the secular world and can’t get out?
At least for me, the answers came in the quiet.
And for that? Oh for that it is well with my soul.