Good Wednesday morning to you all. I was unable to attend church this week, and I was supposed to be working the Welcome Center. At this moment I am almost hysterical at the idea of being held hostage by a bad knee and a chip on my shoulder. I keep telling myself that others have it much worse (and they do) I think of the homeless in weather like this. I almost drove to the city with warm blankets for the plight, but quickly realized that the roads were like ice, and I was left in frustrated despair. I am left with decisions, so many, do I go to a Specialist? Shouldn’t I just trust God? I am not going to ask Why Me? because that is a ridiculous supposition, we all suffer in one way or another, right?
I want to rant and rave. I want to hide in the fetal position, as I am as afraid as I was as a little girl, terrorized by thunderstorms. As a sufferer from CPTSD, I do not do well with unanswered questions or the unknown. I loathe going to the doctor, deplore their inadequacies in diagnosing, well, anything. I trust that He will heal me, much more than I do the medical profession. God has never, ever let me down; big Pharma and human physicians have, on more than several occasions. .
I feel as if I stand outside the window, looking at the healthy and content, as if they have something I desire, something I need. They look oh so pleased on the outside, and maybe that’s the secret.
I’ll just fake it ’til I make it……I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I want, oh how I desire, to be that ten year old child once more.