I don’t understand, why do I stress the man? When there are much greater things at hand? -Amy Winehouse
I had a bad hair day, and as I lick my wounds, I will do what I am wont to do when grief, of any kind, beckons. I turn to my writing, and process best I can. I spent my former life running from anything “feeling.” As a result I suffer a backlog of grief. I have worked through so much, the glory going to Jesus, who has shadowed my life, since childhood. And of course, it was the Prince of Peace I turned to-after a hike and shower did nothing to shake the chill of a sadness I could not name.
I hadn’t felt this dull malaise in a long time. The full moon always takes a toll on my psyche-I suffer a bizarre change of attitude at this time of the month, and it just happens to coincide with my period. No, it’s not pretty-trust me! I don’t relish having the temperament of Medusa on crack, but hey-who am I to question?
I think we all have our codependency days. Days when you’d be happy if your monster in law called you-just so you know you aren’t invisible. This morning I checked my blog stats, and although I’m a big girl with a medium-thick skin? Well, let’s just say I awoke to no texts, Facebook notifications, phone calls or fuck-yous. As the morning went on, I had the unpleasant task of having to pick something up at my in laws home, conveniently located directly across the street. Insert hair pulling here.
I spotted my monster, standing out on her front porch. I told the dog to stay, and yelled my intentions, hoping she would hear me, so I wouldn’t have to knock on the door and go through the whole, sordid pretense.
“OMG, WE HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN WEEKS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MOST RECENT PURCHASE, THIS DISH CLOTH-CLEARLY THE MOST SUPERIOR DISH CLOTH THIS SIDE OF THE PACOS, AND LOOK! IT MATCHES MY COFFEE POT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Nah. I’ll pass.
But something really weird happened. She. ran. from. me. I knew this to be true, because I have the moves of a full out ninja when it comes to avoiding my in laws. I know all the tricks. As I walked down the road, she walked faster. I approached the front door, and knocked.
She reappeared after I had returned to my home, picking weeds in a garden that is frozen solid.
Now, on good hair days this would not have phased me. However, as the possibility of my invisibility grew, I was actually offended.
Later in the day, I phoned a girl friend to see if she’d be going to aerobics class. She never returned my call.
These ridiculous nonissues prevailed the entire day. I got good and quiet with God.
“What’s wrong with me, Abba? Where is this over sensitivity coming from? Where’s my self esteem? Remind me of who I am in You.”
Tears dripped down my cheeks. I knew this feeling only too well, although I hadn’t felt it in some time. I have found myself in the midst of pain and confusion, as I wonder aloud why I had allowed it to happen.
My best friend is a narcissist. I have known this for months, since the day she spat venom at 45 mph, into my voicemail. Called me a liar, told me she’d tell the girls in class what I said about my in laws. None of it made sense, but then again-I never listened to the entire voicemail. After this incident, she begged me to forgive her-and that’s when I made my fatal mistake.
I couldn’t put my finger on the sense of loss, anxiety and sense of impending doom. I began tearing at my skin, stymied by my own inertia. Recently, she was giving me the silent treatment-a well known, passive aggressive technique of the Jezebel. They gaslight you into thinking it is you who’s the psychopath. Narcissistic Injury-feel free to do your research in that department, if God forbid, you too are suffering.
I listened to the entire voicemail.
My skin crawled as I heard the vitriolic rage.
The moral of the story? Go with your gut, especially if you have been the victim of Narcissistic Abuse. There are resources online to help you understand the disease, the symptoms of CPTSD, and begin to heal the codependency that brought you to this place of utter despair.