I wrote this blog months ago, and God wanted me to see it today. I want to tell you how rich the tapestry of my life has been woven, by God. As in before, He has blessed me beyond measure, after a dark and trying time.
I learned several things this past week. I am a firm believer in allowing grief to take its course, to nourish and at the same time reign in our deep despair and downward spiral into darkness. It is always, always Jesus who brings me up from the muck and mire. He reminds me, at times subtly and at times in your face, you can’t make this stuff up-synchronicities that literally blow my mind.
I also learned that if you spend enough time in the darkness, it will envelop you. I may have forced my laughter at breakfast this morning-but the folks in the diner knew no better. Today I forced myself to be amongst the living, and it helped to lighten the load. It is both a blessing and curse that I can’t speak of the truth in my rural, conservative town. This recent trigger means I begin at the beginning, once again. I will isolate, I won’t trust you, and chances are, I may, unintentionally, hurt your feelings.
That’s my biggest thing. I can’t stomach the idea of purposefully hurting another human being. I am this way because I know what it’s like to be sensitive, even overly so at times. I used to hate my nakedness, the vulnerability out there in the big, bad world. After daddy died? I have been walking this earth as an orphan, since his passing-my family has fallen apart. There are days when I feel his presence, and when I do (oh those cherished moments) I think of my other Father in Heaven. He knew what He was doing when He put me together, in my mother’s womb. I wouldn’t change me for the world, but it took decades to live in this space.
So, after working in the garden all day, I jumped into the shower-my phone set on Pandora-the Seneibo Sey channel. What followed were the most uplifting, refreshing and inspirational Christian songs I had ever heard. Jesus was speaking to me through the music-and per our usual, He took my hand and removed me from the abyss.
And I have nothing to fear, and neither do you. Remember who you are in Christ-
I sat on the couch, my mouth ajar. Come again? ‘Scuse me? What the Harry?
How is it possible that seemingly overnight, my blog had 3,000 visitors, from all over the globe? How does one go from 50 views on average, to 2,328? There is no bravado or pride in my shock-quite the contrary, I am floored.
I looked over the last week of my life. The bad fall, trip to the ER, the head injury I am recovering from. Oh, it didn’t end there. After drinking Chia Kombucha, against my better judgment, I had a case of diverticulitis so ugly, I am still, three days later, passing gas. The pain began Saturday morning, in my gut; by Sunday it had travelled to the pit of my arm-leaving me to wonder: did I break a rib in the fall?
Anyhoosers, as I was crying out to Jesus yesterday, I knew. I knew within the fibers of my very being that the joy would indeed come in the morning. I thought back over the trials and triumphs He has brought me through. The common thread is an overabundance of joy after the lesson is learned. I know that He wanted my attention, and perhaps, had I given it to Him earlier, I could have avoided the shiner of a lifetime.
“God is going to bless us, Jesse. Just you wait and see-it’s going to be beautiful,” I sang just the morning before, to a golden retriever who’s soul, I am convinced, is a mate to my own.
We can be blinded by the negativity of the world, or we can live freely, moment by moment, clinging to the Grace of God. I believe there is a season and time for everything. I know that Trump is winning the war on evil-the evidence of SRA is daunting, and I was brutally reminded of God’s wish that I back off from digging any further-after seeing a clip of HRC, in a slasher movie, with Huma Aberdeen and a child. Yes. This is true. This is fact.
I turned my pc off and head down the stairs for God’s word.
He alone can seek vengeance, and vengeance will be His.