Sitting in my hidey hole, licking my wounds from a world I often find to harsh to bare. I’m isolating because my ego is raw. Ego has no place in my life, and although I try to banish the mere idea of self importance, you and I are human-we hurt for various reasons, but I know in my very heart that Jesus is standing right by us, and our pain and grief are never, ever in vain.
Working two shifts in the ER this week-emotional for hormonal and health related issues-I broke down by my second shift this Friday. No one was more surprised by my tears than me; looking back I regret my weakness. But then again, it was a part of His plan all along-and although I look forward to the new blessings and assignments-I will miss my work with the patients in the E.R.
I couldn’t take another minute-the feelings of absolute isolation, around my colleagues in an Emergency Room I have volunteered in for almost a year. I am rather intuitive, but when it comes to other people liking/disliking me: I am often the last one to know one I once called friend, turned out to be a foe instead. I think it is a combination of naivety and the fact that I really, generally, don’t give a frog’s fart about what people think of me. I am here to tell you all that, for women, high school never ends.
I have absolutely dreaded going in to work these past few months. Was it the getting up early? No. Did I enjoy what I did? Very much. Was I afraid of disease, while working around the infirm because of my Lyme disease? A little. I prayed. I went back, and gave it another shot this past month. The people I work with are not the same crew I was trained by. A few are the same, but not the sweet, fun loving women I had started out with.
The problem? A click so exclusive that any one outside of it was ignored. Flat out “you are invisible” treatment, from adults who should have compassion and respect for others. The health care field is full of these miscreants. They get into the health care field for financial reasons, and from what I have seen as of late? I pray I to God almighty that I am never at the mercy of hospital nurses-or doctors for that matter.
I was standing in the E.R. with about eight other employees. They were talking to the EMTs who had just stopped in to chat. I tried to get into the conversation, but was blatantly ignored. Later, going to sit next to one nurse who could be friendly, at times, I didn’t stick around. Nothing. Not one word.
Never a good morning, a thank you or please. Never a question about my life, my interests, my background. Nada. I went blithely on, baking them cookies, bringing them a nut tin for Christmas. I thought I would make a friend or two at least, as was the pattern in my years of being with groups of people-in any situation. Church. Work. Grocery shopping, for crying out loud-I love people, and having friends or a lack of has never been an issue for me. Yet this is how I began my life, or the first eleven of them, anyway. Shunned for being overweight (combined with my mother’s thrift shop finds. Mom was a fashionista, but the kids at school were vicious.
People hate what they don’t understand.
I read that quote this week, but can’t remember the author. I worked my patootie off for people who were sitting on their hefty behinds and: shopping online, playing with their phones, gossiping. Hell, the last day of work I ended up running to the warehouse for a nurse, and it clicked: she wasn’t doing anything. She was shopping, there were no patients. I left the Emergency Room two hours before my shift was up. I did not say goodbye. I finished my work and walked away from the painful truth. I did not fit in-I was not liked or given any respect whatsoever.
It still makes me a bit sad, but it is what it is. I have been transferred to patient registration, and I so look forward to the next chapter of my life-pitfalls, assholes and all.