My freakishly large head is spinning, I am reticent to say this-you know, like when you state out loud that your marriage is better than it’s ever been, and then you have the worst fight ever; so I’ll just put this out there: the last few days of my life have been, for lack of a better word-perfect.
My idea of perfection is one of very simple values. My faith and Jesus come first, and I cling to His robes each and every day. After that? The health and emotional welfare of my husband, my dog and myself. I married a man I am still crushing on, and he is my best friend. I am sober, my depression is lifting as we head towards Fall. My flower beds are bursting with Zinnias, roses, butterfly bushes and bubble gum pink petunias. We like our new place of worship, and the pastor is red pilling my husband. Bliss. I have a Lord and Savior who loves me, passionately, as He loves you.
There is no fear nor condemnation in Christ.
I was reading out of the book of Proverbs just now
I see a change in the direction of my writing. The focus will be the same: Christ-centered, authentic and sassy-it’s the way I roll, so thank you all for reading my musings! It is my constant prayer that they will reach the eyes that bleed for comfort and community. Here goes nothing!
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
The really important things in life can’t be said, only shown.
– Ludwig Wittgenstein
A while back I wrote about a friend from church who had told me God spoke to her in the early morning hours, about me, about my loneliness-as she was going down her prayer list. Unable to sleep, Lisa grabbed her Holy Bible, and asked the Holy Spirit to guide her in prayer. When she came to my name, the message was loud and clear:
She will have beautiful and meaningful relationships. She went on to try to explain just how much of a blessing this would be, but she cried with me instead.
I think of her and that moment often, even daily. Over the past few years, I have traded my sob story for one of real and true joy and reconciliation. Sadly, some of the changes did not suit a few of the people I had been holding on to; long after I knew that there was little left to grasp.
SCRIPTURE OF THIS GLORIOUS DAY
Kind people do themselves a favor, but cruel people bring trouble on themselves. -Proverbs 11:17 NCV
I quietly walked away from those who knew me as my former self. The friends who knew me to be a people pleasing, bleeding heart doormat-who allowed herself to be treated very poorly. I cannot stress the importance of one of the keys to happiness: you’ve heard this a million, zillion times before, but if you don’t love yourselfit will be impossible to gain the respect and love of others.
Although I have decided to keep the posts about Narcissistic Abuse and Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to the bare minimum (I have seen professionals who suffered at the hands of a narcissist make careers out of helping other survive the phenomena. While I respect the hell out of these people, I can not, will not allow this family tragedy define who I am. In order to survive, I am putting the past where it belongs. At the moment, the California fires are raging: these are not the usual forest fire-and they are headed oh so steadily towards my brother and his family. I have no way of knowing if they are okay. I have no way of knowing if ANY of my family is okay; so I will let go and let God.
However, there is so much to be said for sticking to your guns-not allowing others to control the narrative. Guard your heart, that’s what the Lord says-and in doing so I have emerged as if a Phoenix rising: finally able to be myself. No peanut gallery comments, such as:
After years of struggling with alcoholism and depression:
“Are you on the right medication? I think you may be Bipolar.”
After hosting mon frère for lunch (last time we spoke, in August)
“Quite sure you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Have a great weekend.” Sent via email. And after telling my estranged sister not to bother showing up at my funeral:
“You fucked up Michele. YOU FUCKED UP.” This, by the way, from my “best” friend who almost killed my cat while we were in upstate NY last year on vacation.
SONG OF THE DAY
Oh, Happy National Dog Day, by the by.
My sweet boy. Jesse Bocephus Happy Hoffmananoff. Stay 6!