Sirens

It’s that time of year again-it’s always ‘that time of year.’  No matter how you slice and dice it?  There will always be a birthday/holiday/death day around the corner, so why not hunker down and take the blows, feel the feels as they come?

It’s better, as the years have gone on: my grieving my father’s death.  I was always connected to my dad, two peas in a pod living with three jalapenos-taking solace in each other.  We each had a sardonic wit, and delighted in the same human absurdities via the tele.  Many a night I would come home late from a date, and find my precious father waiting up for me.  Oh, he never admitted it, but I know darn well he wasn’t just watching Lassie at 2 a.m.

I remember one particular evening, I walked in on an extremely relieved father watching The Shining.  I sat down at his request and watched the entire film, literally shaking in the marrow of my bone.  I was frightened to the point of hysteria, but I could do anything with my dad sitting next to me.  It was only a few moments later, while up in my bedroom reading-that my father opened my bedroom door.  Odd.

Yes, dad?

“Redrum.  Redrum.  Redrum,”  I heard his stifled laughter as he closed his bedroom door.

It was a very long evening.

In other news, I’ve been listening to Nina Simone, Inez and Amy Winehouse all this Sunday afternoon.  You know what that means, right?

Kristen Wiig February 14 Is For Lovers GIF by Saturday Night Live - Find & Share on GIPHY

Nope.  The exact opposite.  Why do women listen to the likes of Adele and Amy when their hearts are shattered into a millions pieces?  Call 911?  No silly, we listen to the Sirens-the women who are mythical in their falsettos, cries for mercy, piercing courage.  We listen to these women because we are these women, without the talent.  Speaking for myself of course.  We listen because when our hearts have been served cold, on a silver platter for the world to see?

We want vengeance.  And we’re not taking your crap, not no more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s All Been a Pack of Lies

I have always felt an inner peace around animals, perhaps because I know they don’t have the capacity to hurt me as so many humans have-but these “people” can’t touch me now, as I am wearing the full armor of God.  People, if you think true followers of Christ have lily white lives, nothing could be further from the truth.  Look at the people Jesus hung out with, um, that should tell you everything.

I want you to know that I will one day be writing soon enough about my inane and often absurd journey of recovery from addictions.  I am sure I’ll be compelled to write about my travels and feelings, the plight of the homeless et al. again, I just don’t know when that will be.

You see, I am on fire for God.  I burn for Jesus more than ever before, and I can honestly say I never understood the term.

“Yeah, that bitch is ON FIRE for God, let me tell you!”

My thought cloud inevitably read, What The Hell Does That Mean?  And how do I, myself, join the club?  It is only now, at the age of 58 and after years and years of darkness that I can truly say I am free and at peace; and because of the way He has led, protected and loved me?  I can’t help but want to serve Him, and give back to humanity one one millionth of what my Lord and Savior has given to me.

If I am making you want to vomit, I understand.  Not too long ago I would have read this very paragraph and SOL’s (Snarked Out Loud)  I can hear the snort as we speak.  But this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Jesus within me.  What were the words in that tune?

“…who saved a wretch like me?”

I was selfish and needy, arrogant at times-always out for me and my needs.  When you accept Jesus into your life, or vice versa, you don’t spontaneously combust with the Holy Spirit-however, if you are a true follower of Christ you will see changes, drastic changes in your values and heart.  You are filled with love for others, and most times it’s because those of us who turn to God are broken.  We have suffered, some of us our entire lives.  We didn’t fit in, we didn’t fit out.  Real human beings broke our spirit.  When that happens one has two choices:  admit their need or turn to lust and greed.

As of now, approximately 51% of the country is either awakened or in the process of awakening.  And when I say awakened I am not talking about the New Age “ascension” model.  I am saying that via Project Mockingbird, we were all brainwashed, literally.  While the Babylonians were thieving and killing?  We were too busy to notice, we had better things to do!  It’s called worshipping idols, folks.  I was one of the worst-give me a People magazine and a beer?  I was in ecstacy.  My entire family followed to gossip rags relentlessy, and with great abandon.  We celebrated the weekly arrival of People like some tribes celebrate feeding the entire village.

I know they omitted and changed some of the language in our bibles.  I will do a blog on that, but I want to point something out-God does not intend for us to love our enemies, when those very foes we fight are Satan’s merry band of demons.

I refuse to love these monsters.

I’m in all out war mode, thank you very much.

 

Uphill is Over, Folks…

I wrote this blog months ago, and God wanted me to see it today.  I want to tell you how rich the tapestry of my life has been woven, by God.  As in before, He has blessed me beyond measure, after a dark and trying time.

I learned several things this past week.  I am a firm believer in allowing grief to take its course, to nourish and at the same time reign in our deep despair and downward spiral into darkness.  It is always, always Jesus who brings me up from the muck and mire.  He reminds me, at times subtly and at times in your face, you can’t make this stuff up-synchronicities that literally blow my mind.

I also learned that if you spend enough time in the darkness, it will envelop you.  I may have forced my laughter at breakfast this morning-but the folks in the diner knew no better.  Today I forced myself to be amongst the living, and it helped to lighten the load.  It is both a blessing and curse that I can’t speak of the truth in my rural, conservative town.  This recent trigger means I begin at the beginning, once again.  I will isolate, I won’t trust you, and chances are, I may, unintentionally, hurt your feelings.

That’s my biggest thing.  I can’t stomach the idea of purposefully hurting another human being.  I am this way because I know what it’s like to be sensitive, even overly so at times.  I used to hate my nakedness, the vulnerability out there in the big, bad world.  After daddy died?  I have been walking this earth as an orphan, since his passing-my family has fallen apart.  There are days when I feel his presence, and when I do (oh those cherished moments) I think of my other Father in Heaven.  He knew what He was doing when He put me together, in my mother’s womb.   I wouldn’t change me for the world, but it took decades to live in this space.

So, after working in the garden all day, I jumped into the shower-my phone set on Pandora-the Seneibo Sey channel.  What followed were the most uplifting, refreshing and inspirational Christian songs I had ever heard.  Jesus was speaking to me through the music-and per our usual, He took my hand and removed me from the abyss.

And I have nothing to fear, and neither do you.  Remember who you are in Christ-

 

 

I sat on the couch, my mouth ajar. Come again? ‘Scuse me? What the Harry?

How is it possible that seemingly overnight, my blog had 3,000 visitors, from all over the globe? How does one go from 50 views on average, to 2,328? There is no bravado or pride in my shock-quite the contrary, I am floored.

I looked over the last week of my life. The bad fall, trip to the ER, the head injury I am recovering from. Oh, it didn’t end there. After drinking Chia Kombucha, against my better judgment, I had a case of diverticulitis so ugly, I am still, three days later, passing gas. The pain began Saturday morning, in my gut; by Sunday it had travelled to the pit of my arm-leaving me to wonder: did I break a rib in the fall?

Anyhoosers, as I was crying out to Jesus yesterday, I knew. I knew within the fibers of my very being that the joy would indeed come in the morning. I thought back over the trials and triumphs He has brought me through. The common thread is an overabundance of joy after the lesson is learned. I know that He wanted my attention, and perhaps, had I given it to Him earlier, I could have avoided the shiner of a lifetime.

“God is going to bless us, Jesse. Just you wait and see-it’s going to be beautiful,” I sang just the morning before, to a golden retriever who’s soul, I am convinced, is a mate to my own.

We can be blinded by the negativity of the world, or we can live freely, moment by moment, clinging to the Grace of God. I believe there is a season and time for everything. I know that Trump is winning the war on evil-the evidence of SRA is daunting, and I was brutally reminded of God’s wish that I back off from digging any further-after seeing a clip of HRC, in a slasher movie, with Huma Aberdeen and a child. Yes. This is true. This is fact.

I turned my pc off and head down the stairs for God’s word.

He alone can seek vengeance, and vengeance will be His.

Nothing Here Has Changed…Just the Beat

It takes two to tango……..this song was running through my head this morning, as I slipped and slid through my morning hike.  The fallen leaves, combined with the morning rain, had made the bridges treacherous, and my golden retriever waited with great anticipation-if not impatience, as I crawled along at a snail’s pace.

Jesse sees something, immediately slows down, turns around to look at me.  So accustomed to being alone at this early hour, I never considered his eyes were on a human being.  Finding myself at the slipperiest slope, wet rocks crowding the trail, I look up:  there is indeed a man at the top of the hill.  I cannot see his hair, but I do see his metal detector.  I stop dead in my tracks.  Put down my back pack, and get out my mace.  I remember, instantly, that the man  who stalked me whilst half naked last Summer had one, and that the cops told me that this was against the law at MiddleCreek.  I thought, ‘OK, here’s where I faint, fall apart, run…….’  But the real shocker was this:  I had no fear.

I had just fallen, whilst trying to pee in the woods.  It surprised me how many leaves one can pull out of their naked ass cheeks, but they kept coming, my dog mildly alarmed, came over to aid in my getting it together, so I wasn’t operating at my full potential.  I decided to walk right up to him, hiding my mace in my pocket.  If he had red hair (as my stalker did) I would shoot him straight in the face….if not?  I would tell him that he was breaking the law.

Finally able to see the  man had dark brown locks, I stepped up to the plate.

“Excuse me sir, but watch yourself, those are illegal in this park,” I gently roared.

He reaches in his pocket.  I reach into mine.

“No Englais, por favor.”

With that he pulls out his treasure of the day.  One shell casing and two pennies.

I need to get a day job.

Into His Arms…

I have to start out by telling you I have consumed my happy juice and am a bit crosseyed at this time.  But praise Jesus, for he has given us every herb, plant and fruit bearing tree so that we will live healthy, peaceful lives.  Medicinal.  Used for my CPTSD, it can take me from despair to joy, and that my friends is worth its weight in gold.

I’ve been thinking about what is happening in this world, and obviously, it all but freaks me out.  After watching a video I shouldn’t have, I was overwhelmed-feeling as if the entire three ring circus was on my back.  First sad.  Then frantic.  Then Jesus.

I tell him, Jesus! I am clinging to your robes today, I need you badly!

These are the times when I run, full throttle, all engines on to God.  I picture myself running in to his amazing hug, and hear him say There, there child.

I can’t do this Jesus.

I know too much, why do I know so much and when did you make the decision to take a scaredy cat like this girl, and lead her in the direction of Doom.  Real news.  Investigative reporting.  I have felt the Holy Spirit driving me in this direction, and some days?  Down with the ship I go.

He never pushes, never demands.

I come to the realization that He alone is my Lord and Savior.  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  He is in control.  

I take a long hot shower.  I plug in my tiny white lights strategically placed all over my home, to give comfort.  Put some cinnamon on the stove.  And then He takes me back to who I was before I got clean.  I am profoundly grateful.

I fall into His arms.

Updates, etc.

This is a great source for catching up, I love X22 Report.  The more varied my trusted sources of news, the more likely I will catch something that others have missed.  So, congress showed some big Kahunas today, not?  What the Bloody Mary?  I just told my husband that here, at this moment in time, about to witness the systematic destruction of the Illuminati, the demons, the descendants of Cain-it has all been written in Revelations, Matthew and Luke.  These people are not human-no person with a soul could even fathom these atrocities, committed of free will, against everything the Kingdom of God represents.

God is grieved, and he’s gonna shake up planet earth, pick it up and shake the rodents, demons and filth that has gathered over the years, and I have news:  if you fall into any of these categories?  If you are living a life of deceit and duplicity?  God knows.  Now would be a really good time to turn to Jesus-how can any mere mortal weather the Storm without Him?  I am a living miracle.  I suffer from CPTSD,  and for years I worried myself into an ulcer, heart palpitations and anxiety attacks.  I was folding laundry today, and I wondered at the peace I feel almost continuously.

It took me years and years to finally give myself some credit, and as my self esteem improved-I grew an inch and a half, no lie.  I had been hunched over, so self loathing and  unworthy-but not in God’s eyes.  No!  I have had a past that includes alcoholism and drug addiction.  I took meds from my clients at one point-at the very end, when I was so far down the rabbit hole I wasn’t responsible for my own behavior.

Wrong.  We are all responsible for our behavior.  But there is no fear or condemnation in Jesus, and forgiveness and repentance take place almost seconds after you turn your life over-that peace that surpasses understanding is available to everyone.

Nope.  Doesn’t matter what you think you’ve done-God will grant forgiveness if you are sincere and willing to think anew, or repent.  That aspect comes naturally, and if you have the faith of  a mustard seed?

You can say demon, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

And that, my friends, is what God is guiding Donald J. Trump to do-en masse~

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Dog is GOD spelled backwards.

The Living Waters

May is Mental Health Awareness month, and in that spirit I dedicate this blog to all who are stigmatized, pigeon holed, persecuted or worse-because of circumstances often beyond their control.  You are my heroes: it is through extreme adversity and gut wrenching pain that you face each and every day.  It is my prayer that you are choosing healthy coping mechanisms and that Jesus is your Lord and Savior.  If not, I encourage you to follow my blog-not for me, but for you.  I’m not in this for a huge following; I am here to be the voice of comfort, reason and truth that I believe God has called me to be-a beacon in a time of darkness.

Please understand that I have never taken credit for my writing, whether you love it or hate it, the content comes from the Holy Spirit:  he speaks to me in different ways throughout the day.  By evening, I am writing-my version of what I believe to be Spirit-led writing.  I am what they call a sensitive-Abba has given me the gift of spiritual understanding.  Only in the past three years have I been aware of this gift from above-but I can say that I have struggled through tremendous adversity (but always under His loving protection) I believe that having lived a tortured life has led me to a greater compassion and love for others.  Sadly, my CPTSD makes it incredibly difficult for me to trust others with my heart and soul.

So, I don’t.

I have been texting my brother as of late.  We discuss political and social issues, and today I sent him a video from Abel Danger-explaining the spiritual warfare and global reset.  He has had trouble believing much of what I have written on the subject of our amazing president Trump, the Plan, or the Great Awakening.

So, my sister was one of the narcs who stopped just short of killing me.  I haven’t spoken to her in years, although I do pray for her.  One thing I’ve learned over and over through my many perpetrators is this:  if you don’t go no contact?  You are setting yourself up for greater pain, dysfunction and even severe health complications due to the constant stress of gaslighting, triangulation, projection and abject cruelty.  Even a short conversation could lead to a triggering of emotional flashbacks so severe, that it takes me weeks to come back to myself.

So, my brother lives in LA.  My sister lives in PA.

My husband called me in to see my niece Esme’s Instagram.  I looked down to see my brother on a scooter, but the voice in the video?  It haunted me.  Something is wrong with that tone, the insincerity-a false sense of excitement.

“There you go, Craig, you’re doing it!”  I insisted to my husband that it was my sister’s voice.  He balked.  He played it again and heard my brother in law’s voice at the end of the clip.  I took off into the kitchen, adrenaline pumping, anxiety rising.  I opened the frig door, and stared blankly into space, closed it, opened it again.

A few moments of despair, and it was over.

“Life is too damn good,” I said to myself.

Thus the end of the trauma.

Thank you, Jesus-for the head’s up.  And more importantly?  For walking every step of my  dark and lonely journey back to peace.

Come to the Living Waters, and drink from the cup of Life.