Jesus, Take the Whole Car

 

Tomorrow will be Easter, and I dread it like the plague.  As I write, snuggled in my bed and nodding off-I can’t help but wonder why I am beleaguered by horrible holidays.  Oh, there’s been a few that were notable, but few and far between.

After my parents passed, the idea of any resemblance to a family dynamic flew directly out of the window.  There were arguments with his mother, as we wanted to see my nieces and nephew when given the opportunity.  Monster would fuss and fight, to the point that I began dreading what fortunate people anticipate with great joy.  It began when I met my husband.  Our first Thanksgiving together, and the first time my mother allowed Dwain in her presence, I remember well.  I woke early to feed the critters, and I was in such a happy tilly I could hardly contain myself.  I sang to the cats, danced in the Fall rain-I simply couldn’t wait to be with family.

The phone rang, for me.  News that my poor mother had fallen and broken her hip, whilst attempting to bake us pies.  In the hospital, she screamed in agony-my heart was filled with pain to see her in that helpless and vulnerable way.

That was the last holiday (with the exception of one Christmas with my daddy after mom went home) I would look forward to, and the last I care to remember.  These days, we go to my in laws-due to my having to live this fresh hell tomorrow, I’ll keep the details to a minimum.

It sucks dogs balls.

Three Easters ago, I was baptized in my current place of worship.  My sister had invited us to Easter-my annual sinus infection was in full gear, and in church I was dunked under ice cold water in an air conditioned building.  I was completely alone.  My husband had a stick up his apple, for some reason.  I remember the Spiritual Director taking me aside:

You’re here alone?  No family whatsoever.  Utterly alone.

Last Easter my step son and we were on the outs.  Dwain asked his mother to invite Bud for the afternoon, so we could visit before noon.  Actually, Dwain had hinted that it would be a good thing if maybe she could skip inviting him altogether.  Days passed, and the holiday loomed overhead.  As we were dressing, my man announced that Brad’s truck was already parked in his parents driveway.

She said nothing whatsoever to Bradley.  We stayed home.

This year, again we do not speak.  He doesn’t understand, even after living in the tragic past, that I don’t have my parents, no close family-not even a friend to spend the day with.  One Thanksgiving I spent the day in a nursing home, visiting a friend, and made no apologies.

I tried going to the Farmer’s market in town, after driving to Urgent Care (pulled a tick off of my chest yesterday) for ten days of Doxy, but after I saw the waiting room?  I left toute suite, not even remotely in the mood to wait at least an hour.

I understand that every one of us has to pick up their cross and follow our glorious savior Jesus.  My problems are one thousand percent insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe there will be holidays in heaven?

Nah.  He is a just and compassionate deity.

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Into His Arms…

I have to start out by telling you I have consumed my happy juice and am a bit crosseyed at this time.  But praise Jesus, for he has given us every herb, plant and fruit bearing tree so that we will live healthy, peaceful lives.  Medicinal.  Used for my CPTSD, it can take me from despair to joy, and that my friends is worth its weight in gold.

I’ve been thinking about what is happening in this world, and obviously, it all but freaks me out.  After watching a video I shouldn’t have, I was overwhelmed-feeling as if the entire three ring circus was on my back.  First sad.  Then frantic.  Then Jesus.

I tell him, Jesus! I am clinging to your robes today, I need you badly!

These are the times when I run, full throttle, all engines on to God.  I picture myself running in to his amazing hug, and hear him say There, there child.

I can’t do this Jesus.

I know too much, why do I know so much and when did you make the decision to take a scaredy cat like this girl, and lead her in the direction of Doom.  Real news.  Investigative reporting.  I have felt the Holy Spirit driving me in this direction, and some days?  Down with the ship I go.

He never pushes, never demands.

I come to the realization that He alone is my Lord and Savior.  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  He is in control.  

I take a long hot shower.  I plug in my tiny white lights strategically placed all over my home, to give comfort.  Put some cinnamon on the stove.  And then He takes me back to who I was before I got clean.  I am profoundly grateful.

I fall into His arms.

Hells Bells

This is a reblog of an older post.  I just received news that my “sister” considers my CPTSD at her hands FICTION.  Oh well, I tired, God knows I tried.  Little does she know I have more than one recorded conversation of her admitting everything.  I put her in God’s hands now.  

It is finished.

I don’t have time for her lies, today I celebrate the truth.

Well,hey there, ho there!!! Haven’t been around for a day or two, and that’s because my concussion caused some pretty unpleasant side effects, such as- migraine, dizziness and extreme nausea. Not complaining, as I firmly believe that at the end of every valley is a rainbow so stunning, us puny humans can’t grasp the real significance. And so it was that I awoke this morning: stronger, less nauseous-a better person all around. 🙂

Today is my first New Music Thursday! I will be sharing music which is new to me, so, if you’re thought bubble reads-

This music isn’t new, I’m not smelling what she’s stepping in! Well, say something once, why say it again?

I love their haunting melodies. When it comes to the lyrics, I don’t relate as much as I usually like to: before I commit to the tune, I have to hear the words. In most cases, but not all-The Talking Heads, B52-s, St. Vincent? There music moves me so much that I could care less what they’re talking about.

Then we have Joni Mitchell, Patty Smith, Bob Dylan, Adele-those lyrics hit you where it hurts-and that’s precisely why you listen-it’s all a matter of mood, whether you want to cry in your beer, or dance until you hurt. I’m not telling you anything new.

It occurs to me that music has helped me heal in a myriad of ways: it gets me going in the morning-I seriously can’t wake up until I listen to something uplifting, or intense. Stop Making Sense comes to mind, or anything Depeche Mode, The Smiths. Joni Mitchell got me through my one week marriage, sobriety, and to this day? The occasional crying jag.

I take my depression and anxiety much more seriously as of late. I know when I’m in despair, and this past week has been a roller coaster of emotion. From this moment on, I intend to enjoy every moment of the holidays. I will throw back my noggin and laugh-even in the face of danger. 🙂

Into His Arms…

I have to start out by telling you I have consumed my happy juice and am a bit crosseyed at this time.  But praise Jesus, for he has given us every herb, plant and fruit bearing tree so that we will live healthy, peaceful lives.  Medicinal.  Used for my CPTSD, it can take me from despair to joy, and that my friends is worth its weight in gold.

I’ve been thinking about what is happening in this world, and obviously, it all but freaks me out.  After watching a video I shouldn’t have, I was overwhelmed-feeling as if the entire three ring circus was on my back.  First sad.  Then frantic.  Then Jesus.

I tell him, Jesus! I am clinging to your robes today, I need you badly!

These are the times when I run, full throttle, all engines on to God.  I picture myself running in to his amazing hug, and hear him say There, there child.

I can’t do this Jesus.

I know too much, why do I know so much and when did you make the decision to take a scaredy cat like this girl, and lead her in the direction of Doom.  Real news.  Investigative reporting.  I have felt the Holy Spirit driving me in this direction, and some days?  Down with the ship I go.

He never pushes, never demands.

I come to the realization that He alone is my Lord and Savior.  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  He is in control.  

I take a long hot shower.  I plug in my tiny white lights strategically placed all over my home, to give comfort.  Put some cinnamon on the stove.  And then He takes me back to who I was before I got clean.  I am profoundly grateful.

I fall into His arms.

Queen of England to the Hounds of Hell

There is a frenzy, a terrible excitement in the air.  Tomorrow is Donald Trump’s 4th of July celebration-and there are some of us (okay, a ton of us) who are hoping for a big reveal, and we are hoping that John F. Kennedy, Jr. is the surprise.

Oh, you say, my God that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!!  At least that is what my sister in law said to me last Thanksgiving, after I announced that John would be attending the Macy’s Day parade.  I waited all day to throw it back in her face, but nothing came of it.  Some say he was Santa in another parade, but that wouldn’t have helped.

“Look!  Look at that television!  I am telling you that the Santa on that float is John F. Kennedy, Jr. himself!  How can you NOT see that?”

Nope.  I’ve been butt hurt enough lately, no thanks.

So, I have been keeping all hope at bay, as the Q post that stated that John isn’t alive pissed me off beyond all logic and reason.

“It’s a betrayal on the largest of levels!,” I wrote to Joe M., a dude on Twitter who was calmly trying to tell me to get bent.  It hurt, and it hurt much more than I thought it would or could.  In the past two and a half years, the patriots have been maligned, censored and shunned; given disinformation because damnit that’s  how military intel works, and and woke above and beyond the call of duty.

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Why are YOU screaming, bitch?  At least you can walk down the street without being assaulted, or worse.  I mean, STFU ya snowflake.  Can you feel me on this?  If people would just calm the F down, and do their own research!!!!! there would be much less TDS, and much more healing of this country.

I felt a buzz about me throughout the day, it was electric.  I had more energy than I have in years, and my man even spoke about what a great mood I was in-that never happens.  I have been praying and questioning and searching my soul.

And the Holy Spirit led me to this video.

I know who won’t be sleeping tonight.

John, I pray an army of angels protect you and your family.

We will never fully know the sacrifices you made for this country.

Your father’s death will be avenged~

 

Into His Arms…

I have to start out by telling you I have consumed my happy juice and am a bit crosseyed at this time.  But praise Jesus, for he has given us every herb, plant and fruit bearing tree so that we will live healthy, peaceful lives.  Medicinal.  Used for my CPTSD, it can take me from despair to joy, and that my friends is worth its weight in gold.

I’ve been thinking about what is happening in this world, and obviously, it all but freaks me out.  After watching a video I shouldn’t have, I was overwhelmed-feeling as if the entire three ring circus was on my back.  First sad.  Then frantic.  Then Jesus.

I tell him, Jesus! I am clinging to your robes today, I need you badly!

These are the times when I run, full throttle, all engines on to God.  I picture myself running in to his amazing hug, and hear him say There, there child.

I can’t do this Jesus.

I know too much, why do I know so much and when did you make the decision to take a scaredy cat like this girl, and lead her in the direction of Doom.  Real news.  Investigative reporting.  I have felt the Holy Spirit driving me in this direction, and some days?  Down with the ship I go.

He never pushes, never demands.

I come to the realization that He alone is my Lord and Savior.  He will not leave me nor forsake me.  He is in control.  

I take a long hot shower.  I plug in my tiny white lights strategically placed all over my home, to give comfort.  Put some cinnamon on the stove.  And then He takes me back to who I was before I got clean.  I am profoundly grateful.

I fall into His arms.

Updates, etc.

This is a great source for catching up, I love X22 Report.  The more varied my trusted sources of news, the more likely I will catch something that others have missed.  So, congress showed some big Kahunas today, not?  What the Bloody Mary?  I just told my husband that here, at this moment in time, about to witness the systematic destruction of the Illuminati, the demons, the descendants of Cain-it has all been written in Revelations, Matthew and Luke.  These people are not human-no person with a soul could even fathom these atrocities, committed of free will, against everything the Kingdom of God represents.

God is grieved, and he’s gonna shake up planet earth, pick it up and shake the rodents, demons and filth that has gathered over the years, and I have news:  if you fall into any of these categories?  If you are living a life of deceit and duplicity?  God knows.  Now would be a really good time to turn to Jesus-how can any mere mortal weather the Storm without Him?  I am a living miracle.  I suffer from CPTSD,  and for years I worried myself into an ulcer, heart palpitations and anxiety attacks.  I was folding laundry today, and I wondered at the peace I feel almost continuously.

It took me years and years to finally give myself some credit, and as my self esteem improved-I grew an inch and a half, no lie.  I had been hunched over, so self loathing and  unworthy-but not in God’s eyes.  No!  I have had a past that includes alcoholism and drug addiction.  I took meds from my clients at one point-at the very end, when I was so far down the rabbit hole I wasn’t responsible for my own behavior.

Wrong.  We are all responsible for our behavior.  But there is no fear or condemnation in Jesus, and forgiveness and repentance take place almost seconds after you turn your life over-that peace that surpasses understanding is available to everyone.

Nope.  Doesn’t matter what you think you’ve done-God will grant forgiveness if you are sincere and willing to think anew, or repent.  That aspect comes naturally, and if you have the faith of  a mustard seed?

You can say demon, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

And that, my friends, is what God is guiding Donald J. Trump to do-en masse~

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Dog is GOD spelled backwards.