I am attempting to get my bearings, as what I have just experienced has left me sickened, without hope or desire. I am shutting down. I indeed shut down two days ago, when the latest Holiday loomed, as I had recently let my mother in law know that we would not be attending their Thanksgiving festivities.
And, as is the case with all narcissists, my husband has taken my dread of the Winter months to a new low. A kick below the belt. He achieved his annihilation of me by telling me that I had ruined his holidays because I am a selfish brat.
I am out of here, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why I kept forgiving, praying he would change, never hurt me again. And as per usual, there would be promises made, promises broken. You see, narcs want your attention-when they don’t get it, they think nothing of the getting the wrong kind of attention. In all actuality, I was having a peaceful and meaningful day. The hot shower pelts felt so good on my aching body. I decided to dress up and even put on the dreaded makeup. I looked forward to going downstairs and watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
I played Pandora, played with my kitten, even a touch of Chanel No. 5. I got into the word, and asked for forgiveness for my attitude over the last few days. The lack of food over the last twenty four hours had been a fast of sorts, I supposed, resulting in a clarity and spiritual peace I hadn’t felt in months. I was feeling content, and didn’t mind the loneliness. As I stepped into the living room, my husband stepped out. I went upstairs, he came down. I was thinking he needed his space. I worried that he was feeling guilty, as anyone would after treating another human being like he did.
Jesus, please speak to his heart. I don’t want him to hurt.
I went to check on him, and that’s when I was accused of ruining his life, his family, our churches and friendships. His eyes turned black, the vitriol unnerving.
He did feel guilty, but he projected that guilt on to me, his wife of 30 years, during a time when she was incredibly vulnerable, teetering on the edge of admitting herself to Philhaven.
As we argued, I could see it-the Jezebel spirit, alive and well. I am voiceless, still sick, haven’t had a thing to eat in days. My blood pressure goes nuclear, along with my rage. When I am injured, I am eerily capable of pouncing back-with the force of an untamed Lion-yet today, it was different.
Today I fought back with facts. In the past, the gaslighting-at the hands of some of the most proficient narcissists know to mankind-I would be confused, caught off guard with the projection. I was depressed, anxious and my PTSD was triggered each and every fucking time. I would lay in bed for days, punishing myself when I was the one who needed self love and nurture. My nature is one of love, compassion and fierce loyalty. I can be irrationally Irish at times, cripplingly sad at others.
Today was not that day.
As weak and fatigued as I felt, the lion roared. Armed with facts, my faith and a raging migraine-I spat back better than I got.
I have no family, not a soul to spend the holidays with. I get morbidly depressed at this time of year, and you are fully aware that I will not spend one more moment with abusers. Yet you care for me by completely ignoring me for two days, while I languish in bed with the flu and withdrawals?
You are blaming me for the actions of your son, who almost put me in a psych ward, and I am to fault because?
Did I hold a gun to your parents’ heads, making them neglect and abuse me; treat me like the most insignificant part of their life? Did I ask your parents to tell rumors to the neighbors, so I could anticipate the shunning that followed?
I am betrayed and forbade to enter the kingdom of peace.
I don’t know what lies ahead, none of us do. I will not be a victim, that train left the station, I will fight back with all I have in me. If that means leaving him for an apartment in the country, just me and my dog, well then?
I pray He will grant me the strength.
I pray that Dwain will open his heart, and listen to the God who loves Him. I pray for better, brighter days ahead~