The Hurdy Gurdy Man

A little birdy told me that this song was written about MK Ultra. Thanks LP.

I have had it. Literally as done as done could be. Triggered by the information coming at me from every angle-but now is not the time to look away. Now is the time to fight evil, with every ounce of my being I deplore these vipers. I want justice and if my discernment is worth a hill of beans? I know it will be delivered by an extremely angry God.

I have nothing left to give, not even to my beloved fur babies. I have reached my quota of ignorant, selfish and deceitful people. Chances are? If you come at me with mocking, hatred or even stupidity?

I will END you.

The truth is reaching critical levels. The repugnant MSM is causing hysteria, the kind that you’d expect at the end of tribulation-not to be confused with the panic one sees in empty toilet paper and hand sanitizer aisles. That’s right-we have no bread on our shelves and they are charging $24 for a regular bag of cat food. The walking Zombies of the Apocalypse of me-me-me are out and about, wearing masks, thinking only of themselves. Wait until they learn the truth.

Awhile back, while on the 8kun channel, I saw a post by Q intimating that 99% of the world would be hospitalized if they knew the truth: only now do I believe it. These people are sick, and they want a way out of taking any responsibility nor ridicule for their crimes against humanity.Who am I kidding, right? I believe that anger is fear unleashed, and while God has taken the spirit of fear away, my anxiety is through the roof. Do you know what it’s like to be this angry, this wounded? I pray not.

You see, my heart bleeds daily-for the underdog, the abused, the bullied. For some time I thought it a sin to be angry or even miffed; I allowed people to perceive my kindness as weakness and I pushed it down, you know-love your enemies.

Spiritual warfare calls for intensity, and pushing down rage is akin to pushing down grief-it will come back up and kill you in the process. Nope, not this girl. I can finally take comfort in the notion that my enemies will be given the full wrath of God. I can no longer afford the pity-or the idiot compassion.

I wrote the following blog last evening, but the “powers that be” shut down my computer, and I didn’t have the strength to fight back.

Now, all bets are off. Just three years ago my life lay in ruins. No family. No friends. I had just relapsed, over the gaslighting dished out by the most evil woman I know. Yet miraculously, I had Jesus and it is because of my beloved Lord and Savior that I survived that period in time. What doesn’t kill you does indeed make you stronger-mess with me and you’ll get burned and badly at that. Fair warning.

The upcoming days will be revealing, revolting and yes, retribution is at hand. To those of you who wish to do harm or delight in the terror and chaos they knowingly create? I have news: the end won’t be for everyone.

Jesus is Coming, Jesus is COMING!”, I found myself screaming at the stranger beside me at the gas pumps at Walmart. He nodded his head, smiled and ran like Pistorius towards the market. I jumped in my jeep.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. JUST. HAPPENED?, read the thought cloud above me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I cared what he thought. As a matter of fact, for a moment I resented him for not throwing caution to the wind and raising his hands to the heavens. But that’s just me.

Earlier in the morning I had called Lynn, my closest friend, to tell her the exact same thing. As soon as she picked up the phone I yelled my delight: I am full to the brim, overflowing with joy. I feel it, I know it. He’s coming. He’s so close, I’m so happy…..

You get the drift.

I want to be comforting, but I want to be honest. You deserve nothing but the truth after the decades of lies, lawlessness and brainwashing at the hands of the people you trusted. They were playing a game, all the while amassing vast wealth and, tragically, the blood of our children.

Waking up was the most painful experience of my life and I did it alone, but I did it with Jesus. It became so harrowing at one point that I asked for mercy, as if I even broached the subject with anyone? I was silenced, rejected or treated as if I was mentally ill.

It was the fucking pits.

Tomorrow’s blog will be what I wanted today’s to be-one of hope and comfort.

Dark to a light so bright it’ll knock your mother loving socks off.

Sugar Mountain

You can’t be twenty on Sugar Mountain, though you know that you’re leaving there too soon.

I apologize for not getting to my audience sooner, but the fates combined to leave me with no electronics. Long story, and let’s just get down to it, shall we?

I want to preface anything I say with a caveat-if you don’t believe me, have trust issues or think I have time to bullshit you?

This blog isn’t for you.

THE CARONA VIRUS IS A HOAX

The Wuhan virus was patented by the Deep State to create an Armageddon: while they fled for underground tunnels and Antartica-caviar and only the best champagne will do, thank you very much-[THEY] were going to kill as many of us as possible.

The Trump administration, the nation’s military generals, and especially God Himself thwarted that plan. What you are watching in real time is the systematic destruction of the deep state cabal. Our beloved, duly elected president needs time to arrest thousands upon thousands of very, very evil people. He wants us safe. Donald J. Trump cannot shout out his plans because the enemies of our state would be more informed than he wants them to be. I am telling you to trust the plan, take a break, and look to God for answers and self reflection. You will have plenty, plenty of time on your hands in which to do so.

In 2017, the Holy Spirit saw fit to convict me of one thing and one thing only: that #QAnon was real. Over the past years, I felt God moving mountains for me: He gave me everything I needed to prepare for the job I excel at-and that is encouraging, loving and comforting people.

What you are watching on television is Public Enemy Numero Uno: the mainstream media conglomerate run by the likes of George Soros and major network talking heads who will not only be indicted? [THEY] will face charges of treason, punishable by death. It is they who caused this panic, as they are in bed with satan. It proves a point, one that we have been trying to tell you for years: don’t believe a word you hear.

I lost my shit over the years, on the people I loved the most. Uncontrollable fits of rage and frustration, combined with an exhausted and withered psyche, led me to turn to Jesus in a way I never had before. Through the miracle of faith I was guided by discernment the likes of which I have never experienced before. The great Comforter was way ahead of me, to be sure.

There will be executions.

There will be blood shed.

There will be mass arrests.

This storm is biblical, my dear beloveds. If there was every a good time to pray, it’s now. We are SAFE. The patriots are in control. I will be blogging all weekend, as there will be an upcoming 10 days of darkness in which our entire internet system will be rebooted.

Buh bye Zuckerberg.

See ya later @Jack.

Don Lemon? It’s been real.

What can you do? Ensure you have plenty of food, water and, er, toilet paper. Cooperate with your president. Have your prescriptions filled for three months if possible, stock up on whatever it is that you simply cannot be without-for me, Nicorette gum and pet food.

Comfort your friends and neighbors. Remain CALM, and please-look up. He’s holding you. He’s loving you. GOD is in control.

Love Is Wild……

What is love, really? And how do you know if you’re on the right track, if you are loving someone enough, or …in a way that tells them they are loved?

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not anger,
nor does it boast.

This is what we find in our bibles, and make no mistake-God meant what he said, but how many of us can rise to that place? For me? Love is compassion. Love is validation. Love may take it up a notch or two-as lovers are passionate, and the frenzy can make us crazy. My husband and I still rant and rave, but at the end of the day? Love, somehow prevails. I remember not so long ago the days of begging him to love me, and now the tables have turned-love doesn’t hold anything over your head, and if you wax and wane poetic, but have no understanding or compassion, what does it amount to? Dust. Dust in the wind.

True love allows the other person breathing space. It listens, nods its’ head in sorrow, puts you in the shoes of the lovee.

Don’t you speak over my words. My reality is hard won, and I won’t trade my newfound jewels for stones-not today, not ever~

Sugar Mountain

You can’t be twenty on Sugar Mountain, though you know that you’re leaving there too soon.

I apologize for not getting to my audience sooner, but the fates combined to leave me with no electronics. Long story, and let’s just get down to it, shall we?

I want to preface anything I say with a caveat-if you don’t believe me, have trust issues or think I have time to bullshit you?

This blog isn’t for you.

THE CARONA VIRUS IS A HOAX

The Wuhan virus was patented by the Deep State to create an Armageddon: while they fled for underground tunnels and Antartica-caviar and only the best champagne will do, thank you very much-[THEY] were going to kill as many of us as possible.

The Trump administration, the nation’s military generals, and especially God Himself thwarted that plan. What you are watching in real time is the systematic destruction of the deep state cabal. Our beloved, duly elected president needs time to arrest thousands upon thousands of very, very evil people. He wants us safe. Donald J. Trump cannot shout out his plans because the enemies of our state would be more informed than he wants them to be. I am telling you to trust the plan, take a break, and look to God for answers and self reflection. You will have plenty, plenty of time on your hands in which to do so.

In 2017, the Holy Spirit saw fit to convict me of one thing and one thing only: that #QAnon was real. Over the past years, I felt God moving mountains for me: He gave me everything I needed to prepare for the job I excel at-and that is encouraging, loving and comforting people.

What you are watching on television is Public Enemy Numero Uno: the mainstream media conglomerate run by the likes of George Soros and major network talking heads who will not only be indicted? [THEY] will face charges of treason, punishable by death. It is they who caused this panic, as they are in bed with satan. It proves a point, one that we have been trying to tell you for years: don’t believe a word you hear.

I lost my shit over the years, on the people I loved the most. Uncontrollable fits of rage and frustration, combined with an exhausted and withered psyche, led me to turn to Jesus in a way I never had before. Through the miracle of faith I was guided by discernment the likes of which I have never experienced before. The great Comforter was way ahead of me, to be sure.

There will be executions.

There will be blood shed.

There will be mass arrests.

This storm is biblical, my dear beloveds. If there was every a good time to pray, it’s now. We are SAFE. The patriots are in control. I will be blogging all weekend, as there will be an upcoming 10 days of darkness in which our entire internet system will be rebooted.

Buh bye Zuckerberg.

See ya later @Jack.

Don Lemon? It’s been real.

What can you do? Ensure you have plenty of food, water and, er, toilet paper. Cooperate with your president. Have your prescriptions filled for three months if possible, stock up on whatever it is that you simply cannot be without-for me, Nicorette gum and pet food.

Comfort your friends and neighbors. Remain CALM, and please-look up. He’s holding you. He’s loving you. GOD is in control.

A Pack of Lies

When I was a little girl, not even five, I began reciting this prayer:

God, please allow my family to be happy, healthy, holy and safe.

Growing up in a dysfunctional household (my sister was in a high chair until the age of 11) where chaos reigned supreme-I had to pray.  Clinging to Jesus was how I coped, and nothing has changed in that department.  As a matter of fact?  I pray the blood of Jesus over my dog and myself before we hike in the morning, and today was no different.

To set the stage for this story, I have to make it known that Jess and I hike in very remote areas.  I am extraordinarily aware of my surroundings; I take no chances, carry a big stick and a pistol-not the one I want to carry, but a little red number that looks just like a Ruger.  Sadly, it contains mace and not bullets.  Or perhaps, like my husband says, it is best I not pack heat.  With my Irish temper it could get ugly, and fast.

So, as we exited the woods and moved towards the Wrangler-an older gentleman pulls up and rolls down his window. 

“Can you still fish in this pond or have they drained it?”

Feeling he was harmless, I began a conversation I will not soon forget.

This country is in big trouble.  Hey, I’m an atheist.  God has done nothing for me, and I’ll tell you another thing-that asshole needs to go!!!

My jaw clenched.  My body language changed.  I was put on the defensive immediately.

“Why would you say that sir?,” I gently asked.  I thought, now I can give my testimony of what God has done for me, and perhaps help the old geezer out.

Because of all the women he has raped!!!!!

What the holy fazuck?

How, and I mean HOW does this shit happen to me?  Of all the places in the world, this cranky old man has to piss on my parade?  I’m just minding my own business, I was trying to help…seriously???

“I believe we are done, sir.”  I waled away, but he ranted and raved until I was safely ensconced in my jeep.

Later this morning, while on the phone with my best friend, she casually blurts this out-

“You know who that was, don’t you?  That was a demon.”

Holy Mary, mother of God and all of the Latter Day Saints.

She is as right as rain.

S.O.S.

Original post dated February 2020

I will send out an army to find you!

Good Friday morning to you all. Patriots are in control! Our children are being rescued by the thousands: soon the Deep State will be nothing but a bad dream and our beloved Donald J. Trump is gunning for the pedophiles, the vampires and he will not fail. Find comfort in your families, friends-but most importantly? Dress yourselves in the full armor of God.

My apologies for not writing for a week, but my methods were twofold: [they] shut down my computer immediately after I wrote my blog on Somerset Belenoff. I was infuriated! Second laptop in two years, but hey, this time I will ask for the VPN special package, and I might even throw a few bucks in for the latest program that incudes Grammarly, etc.

The second reason is this-it just so happened that I was kicked off Twitter the very same day! I don’t know how you felt? But the Super bowl (there was an option for Superb Owl in spell check???) half time show took me from the edge of the cliff right on down to the very bottomless pit of despair, rage and nausea.

I know there are those of you who are screaming WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT? Sugar, if you knew what I knew? You’d be whistling Dixie right there beside me, in the pit.

Shakira’s tongue gyrations and Oscar winning viper performance put me off.

I am a bit short on the uptake, but I realized in short order that God wanted me to take a break. I was at the point that I had pretty much sacrificed any semblance of a life for the past three years-although my friends were frantically searching for me, it felt so liberating! I won’t have a new pc for awhile so-from here on out it will be Saturdays or Sundays when my husband’s computer is available.

I felt a push from the Holy Spirit to check in on you all, to let you know I am praying and loving you on all days-and my future blogging will be centered on The Great Awakening and giving you the comfort and information to make as smooth of a transition as possible. I know in my heart that Jesus cleared a path for me to write for this very reason, and please let me know of any questions/concerns you would like me to address.

I was beating myself up pretty good the other day; it surprised me as I hadn’t gone there in some time. I find that there is always a reason and never a coincidence that God allows us to go through any hardship. The last years was a doozy, but that’s why it’s called the Tribulation and not Super Duper Hilarious Happy Hour. There will be days where you will want to give up, or even get scared. Fear is the biggest liar of all time, and this I know because I believed a lifetime of lies that had nothing to do with reality.

If you are feeling broken, call out His name. And one more thing-we are winning the battle, we are the victors in this game-God promised us this.

The meek shall inherit the earth.

RAW

Those who attack you.

Those who mock you.

Those who cull you.

Those who control you.

Those who label you.

Do they represent you?

Or, do they represent themselves (in some form)?

Mental Enslavement.

The Great Awakening (‘Freedom of Thought’), was designed and created not only as a backchannel to the public (away from the longstanding ‘mind’ control of the corrupt & heavily biased media) to endure future events through transparency and regeneration of individual thought (breaking the chains of ‘group-think’), but, more importantly, aid in the construction of a vehicle (a ‘ship’) that provides the scattered (‘free thinkers’) with a ‘starter’ new social-networking platform which allows for freedom of thought, expression, and patriotism or national pride (the feeling of love, devotion and sense of attachment to a homeland and alliance with other citizens who share the same sentiment).

When ‘non-dogmatic’ information becomes FREE & TRANSPARENT it becomes a threat to those who attempt to control the narrative and/or the stable.

When you are awake, you stand on the outside of the stable (‘group-think’ collective), and have ‘free thought’.

“Free thought” is a philosophical viewpoint which holds that positions regarding truth should be formed on the basis of logic, reason, and empiricism, rather than authority, tradition, revelation, or dogma.

When you are awake, you are able to clearly see.

The choice is yours, and yours alone.

Trust and put faith in yourself.

You are not alone and you are not in the minority.

Difficult truths will soon see the light of day.

WWG1WGA!!!

Q

I was up all night, but sleeping all the same. I have a recurrent dream: I am driving from one end of the country to the other, in several feet of snow-I get lost, I am frightened-I can’t make it to the person on the other side. The person who needs me is there, they are counting on me, I can’t fathom letting them down. Last night, the nightmare du jour was the children laying at the bottom of Gloria Vanderbilt’s pool at Biltmore Estate.

https://images.app.goo.gl/bMYf1RFevUbXvreX6

My mission? To save the babies. I was not successful.

This is how anons around the globe are feeling right as we speak. We have been prepared, normies have not. I walk from room to room, asleep yet awake-fumbling for my weed I hit the wall. I go down on my knees, I break before Jesus. My golden retriever comes to my side. Funny, I know I wasn’t making any noise-he is an incredible comfort.

Today the force of what is truly happening around the globe hit me full in the face. My PTSD triggered by an insensitive asshat, I don’t want to be making it worse. Try as I might I just can’t leave it alone. I want to make myself suffer, because they are suffering. For the first time in a very long time I self harm.

NO! NO! NO!

I will not allow the ignorance of others banish me to the kingdom of Naught. I have spoken nothing but the truth since word go-the mocking and hurtful behavior will not bring me down. Not this time, because God needs me to be present, fully aware of my surroundings. There is work to be done as the hands and feet of God-once we overcome the shock and despair? That is when you’ll see change, that is when you’ll see miracles. Pray for the medical professionals on the front lines.

If you need help, please reach out-I will try to have the information and phone numbers in tomorrow’s blog. There is no shame in grief, no shame in a broken heart. We are with you.

I hereby declare a bloody war on the next person who tries to fuck with one of His children. I will cut a bitch.

If I have to, that is.

He Heard My Cry

As hard as I may try, I can’t shake the restlessness in my Spirit. Just two days ago I was telling Jesus that I thought myself incapable of crying one more tear. Not so, not so.

My heart is heavy and I don’t want to feel this way. I am a hopeful person, I run from depression at warp speed-I want nothing to do with it, and God knows this. It’s more of a deep seated sorrow. I know too much and not enough. I could no more take my eyes off of the spiritual warfare happening worldwide than I could pull out my eyelashes. This is what we have been praying for, this time. The children are indeed being rescued, and God will punish those who have as much as touched a hair on any child’s head. We must take comfort in that. We must.

I suppose reality is settling in. I’ve known this information for three years, but knowing and seeing are two different things. I am not quite sure if I can possibly prepare you for what is coming in the news-but I can steer you in the right direction. Just when I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I look up.

Jesus comes to me and lifts me from the depths of utter despair. And for as long as I can allow myself to cling, I do. I just want to go back to sleep and awaken from this nightmare. I know you all feel the same way, and I am praying for you-prayers move mountains.

I will leave you with the knowledge that you can do ALL things through Christ who will strengthen you.

For when you are weak, only then are you strong.

Not that you asked for it, but my advice is to pray for the victims and medical professionals who are facing this crises. I have heard many are suffering from mental breakdowns and overwhelming grief. Take care of your families-treasure every moment. We shall not be moved.

Down to the Jordan Stream

One of the very best tunes I have heard in some time-this music soothes my soul.  I love old things: antiques, vintage clothing, the elderly, and I am reminded of simpler ways, kinder times.

Oh, hold on a second!  My husband is lecturing me about my absolute drive to come to the truth about our world, our society, our government.  

“I don’t know why you do it to yourself.”

“By the way, Tom Hanks is a pedophile,” I retaliate.

“Tom Hanks is a pedophile?” (giggle, guffaw, belch)

I say this with a lightness in my heart that hasn’t been seen since the day I married my man.  I know we are winning the war, the insidious little somethings that gradually grow and eventually manifest into full out plagues.  Sex trafficking.  ANTIFA.  Pedophilia.  Corruption.  Hellyweird…it’s getting to the point that people are waking up, and it encourages me.

Waking up was a process for me that, had I known what lay ahead?  I would have run for the hills.

Ah, Lord, I know I’ve been changed; I said Ah Lord I know I’ve been changed.  The angels in Heaven done signed my name-lyrics I relate to, believe me.  Here’s a little secret that I have been holding on to, wondering in what manner to bring it up in my writing-the closer you come to Jesus, the more you love Him?  Well, the more transformed you become.  I knew something was drastically different when I found myself loving my irritating, self righteous neighbor.  I am convinced she sells information about us all around this block, if you can call two square miles of countryside a “block.”

Yes, out of the blue, right after I became sober, the Grinch’s heart began to soften.  It came as a huge surprise because when I got sober-I got good and pissed.  At everything, really-I was a whirling dervish of RAGE and despondence.  Grief had crept up from the grave, and I went back and forth between crippling sadness over everyone I have lost thus far-especially my father-and the urge to beat the living crap out of anyone who even looked my way.  It’s like someone took you blanky, for crying out loud.  EVERTHING bothers you, my husband’s chewing was so irritating to me that I came close to sending him packing.  You cannot, and I REPEAT, you can NOT grieve, well, anything or anyone if you are using.  And when us addicts have to face pain, what do we do?  We medicate as quickly as possible.  Here’s something many don’t understand: alcoholics and addicts are extremely compassionate, empathetic and sensitive.  I know this for a fact.  I also know that I had, out of self preservation, put up an unsightly wall-against others, including myself.

When I was baptized by water last Easter, I wasn’t expecting any change, as I had been baptized as a child.  When I was saved, my life began anew-so I recommitted myself on a Sunday, in ice cold water-in front of a full church.  I was utterly and completely alone-no husband, family nor friends attended.  The air conditioning was on high, and I embarrassed myself by running from the altar, after having my clothing thrown at me by our Worship minister.  Not a pretty site.  Did I mention I had a sinus infection at the time?

Ah, I have totally veered off of my original point.  You will absolutely believe, deep in your soul, that Jesus is in and with you-when your heart begins to soften.  You stop thinking that you are any better/worse than the next guy.  I repeat that often, I am no better nor worse than my brothers and sisters.  You begin to put others first, and might even find yourself wanting to help others every chance you get-and it feels good and right and perfect.  The rage diminishes.  The cravings vanish.  Jesus sought after you, and you allowed Him into your very being.

So, if you think you’re turning soft, or that the hormones are raging-just call out to Jesus-then you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will answer~

After the Lesson, the Blessing

I wrote this blog last Spring, while in the heat of the horrible moment.  Devastated by an argument with my step son, I simply could not see the forest through the trees.  There was never an apology rendered, but I have forgiven Bud and he knows this.  I like to call this phenomena Grace-but really I just did it for myself and my husband.

Dwain, interestingly enough, has not forgiven him.  Yet there have been great strides towards healing, and rather than trying to be his son’s best friend?  He has risen to the challenge of being a father, i.e. no more tolerating arrogance or disrespect.  I believe we are all closer as a result of his temporary insanity.

When God puts you to the test, and you pass with a combination of trusting His wisdom?  Oh my dear friends, this is when the miracle happens:  a peace that surpasses any understanding-inner joy and self love come out of hiding.  Often, the hard part is recognizing the blessing.  With practice and determination, you can take the gifts from above and pay it forward.   Grace abounds, indeed.

*******************************************************************

I have been having what some would call “hearing hallucinations,” and I know they are real, as real as the grass in the yard, the puffy clouds on the horizon, and the Spring peepers who cry out their mating call at this time of year.

Okay, how do I explain the inexplicable?  I’ll have to go back to the early days, circa 2013, after an incredibly stressful demolition of our church, by Christian Hypocrites who simply took over, spewed their venom and caused one of our pastors to turn to Atheism.  I was distraught over what I then thought to be the end of my life as I  knew it.  I got sober in this chapel, every single person knew my story and they showed me love and grace, not harsh ostracism.  The travesty is, we were beginning to do some amazing spiritual work……we were in sync, and you could feel the Holy Spirit-lifting us up and out of our day to day lives.  And then:  Kaput.

I began to experience a strange, but lovely thinning of the veil, if you will.  I began finding feathers in crazy places-different colors and hues.  I collected twenty of them and put them in a crystal glass.  No explanation for how they came to be in the middle of my bedroom floor; no cat toys missing pieces, no feathered anything to be blunt.  I did not realize they were feathers from the Angels at the time, no not until the last feather was gifted me:  a large, purple beauty, somehow I knew that this would be the last one, and it was.  I have brought these feathers to bedside vigils, to give others the hope of better days to come, when we are once again home, the complete and unwavering love of God, His mercy and forgiveness.

Shortly after the last feather appeared, I had been toying with the New Age.  I came out of that nightmare unscathed, but now things were getting downright eerie.  Five minutes before I was stalked by a half naked man, causing me horrible PTSD symptoms, I heard my angels wings.  So loudly, I turned around as I expected to see a Vulture, or other huge bird looking at me.  Instinctively, I knew what it was.  I believe I was guided by the heavenlies that day, and I have good reason:  the Conservation Officers were doing their annual trail checks that day, and I had the good fortune to run out of the woods and into the arms of the officer who took the case.

One day, I was absolutely driven to get up off my buttocks and take a picture of my back yard.  It was a dreary rainy day, and there was nothing to see…..but listen to myself I did.  As I brought the camera to my eyes, I saw 6 or 7 white crosses-along the garden plot.  If I took the camera away?  Nothing.  Each time I brought that camera into focus, I saw the white crosses, and I felt protected, if not a little shaky.

16143853_10206242243334465_5557113633186249242_o
This picture was taken when I was nudged by the Holy Spirit to snap a pic in fog and drizzle.

Yesterday, while getting out of the shower, I heard those wings again.  I knew the angels wanted me to know they were with me, which scared the bejeepers out of me.  What now?  Why now?  I had to sit for a spell and calm myself down.

So, it is evening and my husband and I are preparing dinner.

“Honey, you know if you need to talk about the Bud (formerly known as my stepson) debacle, I know how much you’re hurting.  I want you to know that I am here for you, and if you need to vent, please do so.”

What he said next was so crazy making, so vile and putrid and everything that goes along with the loss of a child.

“I text him, last week.  I jacked him up and he said there will be no apology forthcoming.

No apology?  That man-child stood in my garage and screamed cruel and untrue things, called me a freak, told me the whole family thought I was a freak.  And, as it turned out, he was plenty pissed that I am on SSI, as “it’s not fair I have to pay for her income with my taxes.”`  He was this close to hitting me and when I went to go inside, he came after me and I just waited.  If he hit me, then I could go to court, get a Protection From Abuse-hey, I’ve suffered worse things, believe me.

I have made the decision that he is dead, dead to me for all intents and purposes.

You see, what seemed to irritate him most? That I had suffered CPTSD, and depression.  Apparently he thinks I made it all up; that after owning my own businesses and working (often two jobs at a time) for 40 years, I just decided, as if upon whim, to close shop, be lazy and ruin my husband’s life.  How could he be that cold?

And then the inevitable kick in my aching groin:  “Bud will be at mom’s for Easter, with his gal pal extraordinaire, the woman who was the icing on the cupcake of his disaster, the woman who so eagerly took what was not hers, her best friend’s boyfriend.  Don’t get me wrong, Bud is responsible for his own actions, but being the raging narcissist that he is?  He will never take accountability.  He ruined his own life and he should have thought about that before he let his penis do his thinking.  Sorry, I’m a bit rough around the edges today.

Father, forgive him, he knows not what he does.

She talks to angels, they call her out by her name.