Here’s the Rub…

This blog is killing two birds with one stone. In all of the hustle and bustle, I completely spaced New Music Thursdays! Not important in the grand scheme of things, but hearing Norah Jones through “new ears,” not once-but twice in one weekend initiated a foray into her unique, jazzy, vintage sound.

I had always linked this tune with roads untaken. As much as my addictions took years from my life-my social anxiety has robbed me of much, much more. I find it ironic that getting sober brought on a new list of phobias and nervous ticks – I pick at my skin when anxious, am completely incapable of dealing with any kind of stress, and would rather have a root canal than travel sans Jesse, my golden retriver. I am a germ phobe extraordinaire, a dog hypochondriac and feel uncomfortable (make that extremely uncomfortable) around people I do not know.

1450868_670242899675796_1120820745_n Jesse, to the left. Our beloved Dylan to the right of our son-may He await me at the Rainbow Bridge

What we regret in our lives is never as painful as chances, opportunities not taken. With Social Anxiety, you are forced to cancel plans depending upon just how strong you feel on that particular day. Interestingly enough, my nerves are their worst in the evening, which I attribute to the notion that I am not fully awake for the first four hours after rising. If you want to give me bad news, do so as the sun rises-with any luck? I won’t remember what you said by noon.

I was completely uninhibited as a child-thinking nothing of knocking on doors, asking the neighbors to bake me cookies. I had a sense of myself from very early on, and as a young girl, my father doted on my propensity to not take crap from any person, place or inanimate object. I learned quickly that pleasing dad meant everything. I yearned to make him proud, he was a nurturing father to me, despite many less than ideal situations; such as, my mother-who was pathologically jealous of our closeness. And herein lies the rub:

In your formative years, you have nothing but the reactions of others to mold and guide you in your very human quest to be loved, to fit in. When your own mother dislikes you? Well, let’s just say I was at an extreme disadvantage. Later in life, Satan’s Seed (aka, my sister)did not miss an opportunity to berate, humiliate or gaslight me-I sunk further into depression.

There is hope and I am here to say things are so much better on the other side of recovery from narcissistic abuse. You begin to see the very things the narc disliked about you (pure and total jealousy) are the very same things that others will love. I did my research, and once I felt I knew enough, I dug deep into the Word. A combination of incredible support from my husband and friends, a return to a creativity I thought had left me long before-and a deep faith in Jesus led me out of the muck and mire that is codependency.

I don’t care who you are, your opinion of me has much more to do with you than any other factor. I am no fence sitter-folks either love me or hate me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Be of good cheer, God is in control~

Sooner or Later…

 

I adored this man, and here’s why:  not only is he the voice of a bygone generation, but Johnny had demons, just like you and me.  It is truly our choice, God gave us free will-we can either be the light, or join the bottom dwellers in their plight to destroy everything good and decent in our lives.

My sibling took everything she could from me-then took some more.  She put me through hell, and in return I loved her with my heart and soul.  She had her day in the limelight, sure.  She had three children and achieved an Associates degree in business.  She had the power in our relationship-I turned to her for everything.  Up until the masked slipped-hell it fell right off of her lovely face.  Little did I know that I would pay dearly-I was the bullseye for 28 years, and I am quite sure that she enjoyed her mission-that is the tragedy of Narcissism.

So, we have established what a narcissist is and does.  Now it’s time to turn the tables: we have the ability to take that power back, but it comes with a price.  The ransom?  My sister used her children like downright puppets-she withheld them from me as a means of discipline-if I didn’t ask how high when she said jump?  I was doomed to a holiday, Summer or even a reneged invitation to Thanksgiving, even Christmas.

All of that pain and heartache are in the past now, and I have learned to celebrate life again.  I now know that even thinking about her or any other member of my dysfunctional family brings not only pain, but self harming and risky behavior.  The lonesome dove can only be shot out of the sky so many times before she learns that it may not be such a great idea, this flying willy nilly.  She learns to alight only where she is loved and appreciated, validated and accepted  for exactly who she is.

I am finally at the point where I have suffered enough.   I am not a martyr or masochist.  I am a loving, faithful and quirky writer who loves nothing more than reaching out to encourage others:   that is what I will do, until I am unable to summon the energy.

Here’s the deal:  once you have “lost” all that you deemed an absolute necessity (healthy people almost always treasure the family God has given them.  Narcs want to punish you for being smarter, more creative and especially that nasty trait of compassion for others.  Here’s the deal, Jezebel, I don’t care….nope, not anymore.  You are probably thinking, ‘if she doesn’t care, why is she writing about it?

I remember my first year of awareness, and I know how crushing it can be.  Yet I am here to tell you that you will heal, that it most certainly does get much better, and that God will not let these vipers go unpunished.  I’ve read some pretty, pretty strong verbiage in the Holy Bible about what happens to these people, and let me tell you-sooner or later He’s gonna cut them down.

Do things for you.  Rewrite your story, make it one in which you are more than a victim.  Your creativity will return in leaps and bounds.  But you must do something first:  let go and let God fill your life with joy and a renewed wonder.  Throw out the things that are no longer necessary:  guilt, shame and victimhood.

I am sitting pretty, and the view from up here is amazing.

Love to you all~

 

Haunted by Sheeple

 

I am mildly disturbed.  Some would say deranged with rage, and I am surrounded by Sheeple at each and every turn.  How does a girl, who suffers from PTSD, get to the bottom of it all without terrorizing herself, her dog and even, yes-even the mail lady?  Poor Tammy.  She slid into our mailbox yesterday, and I wouldn’t have even noticed if my pup hadn’t sounded the alarm.  Does that ever happen to you?  You’re in the middle of deep concentration and the dog barks you out of your stupor?  Scares the red blood cells right out of me, I swear.

The poor girl was traumatized, as her truck was hanging on the very precipice of an embankment.  As I leaned in to see if she was okay, it was clear to me that she was in shock.  Once I had her in the house, we needed to wait for my husband to arrive and pull her vehicle out.

“Did you know that President Trump is saving the world as we speak?”

“JFK, Jr. is alive and well, and I think he’s Q, and Trump is Q+.”

I stopped talking when I saw the fear mounting in her eyes.  She had absolutely no idea what I was speaking about.   I’m quite sure she went home to her husband and bitched about the “crazy lady” that bent her ear with nonsense-and that is the point of this blog:  Q is 100% real.  The Great Awakening is 100% real.  I live in a town of 300 people, and aside from my friends Sherry and Scott?  Not one of them believes a word I say.

No more redpilling for this girl.  I try to understand and practice patience, but I have to say I am frustrated more than not.  And with so very much at stake, I remind myself that day by day (maybe not in the sleepy town of Kleinfeltersville)  the masses are truly awakening.

Recently, I have had a hard time keeping up with the news; an even harder time at making the distinction between truth and crapola-so, I cancelled most of my YouTube subscriptions and now get my news from the horses mouth, on 8 chan, of course. The SGT Report is real news, and Q has confirmed this.   I have to be honest, I am not quite sure what to think of the new QAnon book:  we were warned a while back-be careful who you follow.  You see, there are Patriots and Paytriots-those that are trying to profit from the Great Awakening and Q movements.  As it turns out, the people who wrote the book are the very same who helped me to make sense of it all-and I am torn between supporting and condemning. 

I suppose we all need to understand that false information is necessary-there are bad people, even our enemies, on this board.

I agree with Sean; ask those questions of God himself.  He is the author of our reality, our past and our precious future.

He is the Alpha and Omega.  Abba won’t censor, ridicule or abandon you.

This is a war that is gaining momentum, good vs. evil, a shift in consciousness, a new world-God wins in the end, and that, my friends, is all I need to know.

For now.

She Killed it With Kisses…

My cup runneth over…it is well with my soul-even after the email I just received from a member of my family.   Are you SURE you don’t have BPD???????

Jesus Mighty, Mary and Joseph.  When will this end?  When do I get to stop apologizing for breathing?  For being a modest success and overcoming alcoholism and addiction to opioids?  I am no longer the black sheep, but I am sure as Hell the Scapegoat-and that shit is over, whether or not the narc “approves.”  My poor brother is worried.  He thinks my anorexia led to Borderline Personality Disorder.  Stop the madness, step off and WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKING ABOUT, WILLIS?

I know.  It’s a holiday weekend!  We must ensure she not enjoy it, maybe terrorize her with a new diagnoses?  Yeah, that sounds good.  Not that he knows what he’s doing, but I can tell him what he’s doing wrong, and that would be talking to our sister.  He is concerned about my anger during his last trip to my home, in which he stated, flat out:

“I don’t believe you.”  Courtney, you can wipe that demonic smirk off of your face.  Are you proud of the person you have become?  Are you right with Jesus?  Why have you deemed therapy a no-no?  Why did you call me two years ago and beg me not to go no contact?  Why did you admit to keeping the children from me?  Why did you admit keeping me from family vacations?  Why do you care?

I can answer every one of the questions, but rather than do that, I will stop reading emails, taking phone calls and feeling guilty because my kin is a psychopath.

I have earned this time of relative happiness.  My husband has been through enough.

Consider this your CEASE AND DESIST.

Your opinion doesn’t matter.

Nothing you say is true.

Deep down inside?  You are a coward of epic proportions.

Step off.

You have been served.

Hunger Strike

 

Here I sit, fresh off of 8chan, and my mind is blown:  not that I didn’t know that Chris Cornell didn’t kill himself, I knew alright.  And here’s the shocker:  Chris knew, and maybe he knew too much.  Pay attention to the words:  I am a lyric junkie, yet in my wildest nightmares, I had no idea.  I had no idea that the Illuminati ate children.  Never even heard a rumor to that affect.  They say that only those with “eyes to see” can understand the severity and depravity of these facts.

Chris was telling us that he wasn’t about to join the diabolical crowd.  Is that why they murdered him?  I simply do not know.

Awaken

The Illuminati has infiltrated governments across this planet.  Latin for ‘enlightened ones’, the Illuminati was founded in the southern German state of Bavaria on May 1, 1776, by a religious law professor named Adam Weishaupt.  The 20 year old believed that through enlightenment, society would have to become more orderly and efficient.  He incorporated mysticism, to add intrigue and make the group a mysterious enigma, wrapped in cloaks and daggers.

This system was based on the Freemasons’ structure of orders and ranks.  His first group contained five members, all given aliases to provide a modicum of anonymity.  Weisthaupt  chose the name Spartacus.

Professor Weishaupt, as it turned out, was a huge control freak.  The initiation rites prospective members endured included bizarre costumes and chilling ceremonies.  By 1779, there were only 54 members.  Everything changed when Baron Adolph Freiherr von Knigge.:  a renowned diplomat and Master Mason occultist with connections to numerous secret societies.  Von Knigge was very successful in his recruitment of new members, including royalty, powerful politicians and leading Freemasons.

The Illuminati Hierarchy

Weishaupt’s model for a New World Order involved three basic classes:

Class 1-he called this the “nursery,” consisting of Noviciate, Minerval and Illuminatus Minor.

Class II-the “blue lodge” (Masonic) categories of Apprentice, Companion and Master-separated from the higher “Scottish” grades of Scottish Novice and Scottish Knight.

Class III-the Mysteries: Priest and Prince, followed by the more enigmatic Mage and King.

So, in essence, when Jim Carrey appeared on Jimmy Kimmel to discuss the “Illuminutti” conspiracy freaks, his agenda was clear-to disparage and discount the very organization that donned him a High Priest of Satanism.

Don’t let anyone call you a conspiracy theorist if you mention Secret Societies.

They ain’t so Secret any more.

 

 

Instant Karma

I don’t know about you, but I am sick to death of gloom and doom, evil that cuts you off at your knees, leaves you shaken, breathless.  The enemy is losing, in leaps and bounds, but the news, the mainstream?  They want you frightened and feeling vulnerable, to be honest, at times I don’t know what to believe, but I do believe in QAnon, and let’s just say the concentration seems to be about the blood lines, the Illuminati and their puppets-satanic symbolism and transference runs RAMPANT in every mode of entertainment to be had, the news is enough to make me cry, and never, ever stop.  But I need to stop investigating and start living.  I know more than I should, and by that I mean I wish I knew nothing at all-but then I wouldn’t be me, and I have felt spiritually led through the entire process.

I had a good week, socially.  Lunch with a friend two days in a row!   I actually made my commitments over the last few days, and it feels so, so good.  I also, after 40 years, began eating a small meal at lunch.  I had a hard time pulling it off as of late, I was having dizzy spells and acid gut.  Please………….I deserve it.

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This cracked me up this morning. Enough so that I actually posted on social media! 🙂

Speaking of deserving……how in the harry do these people sleep at night?  Do they hang upside down from trees, waiting for some unsuspecting dope to come along?  Do they NOT KNOW where they are going at the end of the day?   Seriously, what is their thought pattern?  They are blatantly throwing it up in our faces, but know this: they are running scared.  President Trump, with the aid of the United States military, has put a few of their Cabal buddies in GITMO.  Do they not see a common thread?  What did they THINK would happen when Trump began to wage a war, drain the swamp, look at evil so bleak that a group of NYC policemen vomited and wept when looking at evidence.  I hear they are all still receiving therapy.

So, karma is real, man.  I wouldn’t want to be a thug/pedophile/Satanist right now, because the tables are turning.  I am heartbroken and angry, but life is for the living and I have a heavenly father who wants me to thrive, to be genuinely content and at times, euphoric.  I try to have a sense of humor about these happenings, and I find great fun to be had looking into the Q Memes.

AwakAF

The only, yet most important thing we can do right now is pray.  Pray like your lives depend upon it, He is listening, this I know.  Instant Karma’s gonna get you Bitches, it’s going to knock you right. in. the. face.

Stay By Your Fireside Bride

 

Awhile ago, maybe six or so months-I prayed to God for an expansion of my awareness, a ripping of the veil, if you will.  My experience two years ago, culminating in a devastating loss, was nothing short of having a sixth sense.   I took pictures of angels in my back yard, on a dreary, foggy day.  As I sat at my pc, writing, the Holy Spirit urged me to stop what I was doing, grab my zoom lens, and snap a picture-directly into a heavy mist.

I didn’t question it.  I took the camera, lifted it to my eye, and promptly had a near heart attack.  White Crosses.  A dozen of them.  I took the camera away, saw nothing.   The magic happened when I saw the footage-angels, in my estimation.  God was signaling to me that although I was in the New Age, getting Reiki treatments, and burning sage while uttering a prayer so evil I could only find part of the Latin translation on the internet-He was protecting and loving me right then and there.  I had no idea at the time that the origins of angel and tarot cards, angel readings, crystals, totems, mediations, yoga, sage burning and the third eye?  It comes from the occult, and it’s easier than you may think to allow demons into your life, home and relationships. Turns out, after my stalking experience, I ran to my Reiki friend, who very lovingly prayed it over me in my hysteria.

It was so beautiful in Latin, and I asked for its meaning, but Lila didn’t know.  She learned it from a fellow Master.

It took me months to forget this mantra, so I won’t go looking for it.  I searched the internet for days, finding nothing but the (I kid you not) score from Damien.  Another story for some other time, back to my blog.

Around the time of the angel sightings, I began experiencing a thinning veil, an eye for another realm so to speak.  Synchronicities, premonitions, impossibilities.  A knowing that I simply can’t put into words.

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All of these things were happening as my relationship with my sister began to spontaneously combust.  Reeling from that alone, I was later blindsided by her systematic destruction of my relationship with my niece, Godchild and nephew.  And when that wasn’t enough?  She took my brother as well.  Gut-wrenching melodrama was the theme of that Summer.  I relapsed.

I am sitting at my perch, at the end of our couch-a few moments ago.  Did you get that text from Craig (my brother) today?  I think that one of your aunts died.

Stunned, I said:  “I only have one aunt.”

My Aunt Irene is now in Heaven, with her beloved husband who passed just months ago.  They say it was her heart, which was shattered by the death of my Uncle Bill, I am certain.

The tears didn’t come at first, which didn’t surprise me-I had only met the woman a handful of times.  Same with my cousins, same with Uncle Bill.  You see, my dad and his brother were estranged-Bill was a born again Baptist, dad was an alcoholic agnostic.  I remember every year at Christmas, Bill would send my dad Baptist Digest.  It always stung a bit, when the magazine hit the bottom of the trash can.  I didn’t, no, couldn’t understand why my dad didn’t spend more time with his family, even if they lived in upstate New York.

You see, it takes an orphan to see what family truly means.  And from where I stand?  Family is everything.  It is my opinion that we become who raises us, whether we fight it or not-the cycle of abuse is the hardest one to break.  I don’t judge my sister, and I have forgiven her-she did not choose her childhood, and I think she bore the weight of the dysfunction.  I know that she loves me, and I know that she hates me.  I also know that I am not yet strong enough to reach out, but pray each and every day that God provides a way for us to coexist-without it costing my mental and physical health.  I learned that lesson with the loss of what is hopefully the last toxic relationship with the worst narcissist I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.

In the name of Jesus I break the Spirit of Jezebel that erodes familial love.  The slithery, dangerous one shall not prosper here.  Drink the blood of Jesus, Jezebel.

My heart reaches out to all of you who know this pain.  We are not an exclusive group, the victims of Narcissistic Abuse.  The crowd is growing, and we have so many excellent resources to choose from.  Below is one of my favorite videos about family relationships.   Angie Atkinson is wonderful, accessible on YouTube and she maintains multiple support groups.  The point is:  don’t try to do this alone, remember that even when your family hates you there will always be a bond through God and blood.  They love you, but in their own way.  It’s up to you to decide who you can and cannot live without.  God works miracles in our lives, each and every day.  Don’t give up hope-not a good place to be.  I take things one day at a time, and reflecting on how incredible my life has become since my rebirth?  I know that the Alpha and the Omega, who created Heaven and flat earth, 🙂  He has my back, always.

The best we can do is put it in our Abba’s sturdy hands-and know that he answers each and every one of your prayers; in a way that will enrich and embolden you.  He will prosper you in all of your ways, just go to Him.  He’s within you, beside you, and best of all?  For you.