I have to get back into the swing of my craft-behind on two nominations, and very tightly wound, I tell myself, Relax, just breathe. Sometimes, life gives us the lemon-oh the betrayal and pain. And sometimes, a person you adore (and during these times, you wonder why) comes along and purposely tries to steal your joy. And, for purposes of disclosure, let’s say that person is, and has always been, my husband-for whom I hold out hope, but like I said, I don’t know why.
After all that I have been through, and suffered (often by my own hands) I have finally come to learn the key to peace, in all times. I have so much to learn about CPTSD, yet who wants to spend an hour, or even a minute reading about a thing so painful? I was emotionally abused by my mother, but it didn’t end there; she taught me people pleasing, and that no one will love you if you don’t agree with everything they think you should be, do, say, live. My self esteem was literally broken, shut down, before I obtained sobriety. And eleven years later, God continues his work on me-He wastes no pain. Ever.
So, without going into too much detail, started off the weekend in a bad way. Whenever I am sick, and this time it’s a sinus infection, the man of my dreams takes it personally. He sulks, and absolutely loathes the idea of me resting-as a matter of fact, we go through something similar each and every time I fall ill. I am made to feel less than, a monster, a lazy wife-it has become so bad that it takes an act of God to get me to rest during the day. I have been pushing myself for weeks, not so much as taken an aspirin, and finally, finally yesterday afternoon, I lay down to nap. Long day in the ER, my head throbbing, legs like jelly-I grabbed a blanket and lay on the couch.
Five minutes later, my husband is home. I get up, go to the door, kiss him hello. I tell him my plans and he reddens. I go to the couch, as I can’t fight my weakness. No lie, Dwain then proceeds to bring heavy lumber into the living room, and drop it all behind my head. I was seriously irritated, yet smiled and said, I guess no nap today.
He then punished me by storming out of the house, speaking of me ruining our weekend.
not this girl
NO! I will not allow you to rob me of my joy. I will not succumb to the lullaby of peace for peace’s sake-I happen to work really hard on the house, garden, church and volunteering; my 15 cats (most outdoor, but all fixed, all beautiful) and beloved canine, my relationships. I have new interests, and recently rekindled my love of finding old furniture and bringing it to it’s previous luster. I hit the ground running at 6 a.m., and forget to eat most days, I am that harried. So, can you think of one good reason this man is not being childish, and unreasonable.
I went to bed, leaving him a note of displeasure. It wasn’t kind, I will be honest. Do you have any experience in arguing with a lunatic when your head is pounding out of its skull, and your throat feels like you swallowed the bottle of hot sauce? No, bed it was for me. I didn’t eat, I just escaped by sleeping the sorrow away.
This morning, I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. I kept getting up, turning around, and going right back to my pillow and throw, my golden retriever. By 8:30 I was attempting to put my jeans on when my husband arrived at the doorway. Crap. No coffee, I’m sick….please don’t let him start another….
“Now, are you ready to apologize to me so we can have a good weekend?”
DID I JUST HEAR WHAT I THINK I HEARD? SERIOUSLY? IN 27 YEARS TOGETHER HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO AVOID POKING THE BEAR? AM I IN THE FREAKING TWILIGHT ZONE, OR BIZARRO WORLD, OR COULD IT POSSIBLY BE THAT THIS IS MY FAULT AS WELL?
It got ugly. Uglier than he thought it would, I am supposing.
The old me would have gone back to bed and wept about another lost weekend. I would have slept through this entire day, once again punishing myself. A key characteristic in Narcissistic Abuse is the fact that they want you on your knees if you upset them, pleading for forgiveness and ready to make amends.
He took off on our Harley, with no helmet, just to piss me off.
I slowly waked upstairs to obtain my hiking gear. I fed the dog his eggs, and left the house with dishes in the sink. We went to a bubbling creek, and ran into the nicest couple.
“We hiked the AT last year, but had to get off trail because I had Lyme disease,” the man said.
This is how God works-I have a routine and very rarely does it change. If I hadn’t been so deeply hurt by Dwain, I would have stayed home, worked in the garden, or cleaned. I steered off course for a reason, as Abba wastes not one ounce of our pain.
We spoke about Lyme for a bit. I told him that Stevia works on keeping the Lyme at bay, and eventually eradicates the symptoms you suffer. He was so appreciative, I could tell his wife was over the moon at the tip-and I smiled, blushing. We continued our picturesque stroll, and then drove over to the local farmer’s market, where I purchased the most succulent strawberries I’ve had in years. Once home, we worked in the garden (actually, Jesse ate his Frosty Paw and slept) every step a struggle, but I was determined not to waste this gorgeous weather, here in the Northeast.
I then showered, put on my favorite Summer night wear, perfume and lotions. I am now sitting in my boudoir, sipping Kombucha and listening to Vivaldi, while finishing this blog and moving on to a nap.
Don’t let anyone steal your joy without permission! This is not your fault. The one and only thing that you and I are guilty of? Planting our own gardens, watering our own flowers, ignoring the capacity for cruelty in others.
Treat yourself with respect, the rest will fall into place: with or without your better half.