As a teenager, I wished I could tell what the future would hold. Would I find a good man? Would I find a career I enjoyed? Would I be fat and happy in my old age? And will I have one or two children? Will I finally have a grasp on my depression and eating disorder? Will our family stay connected after mom and dad are gone?
Now that I am older, and hopefully wiser, I see the brilliance in the uncertainty. Certainly, we as humans have control and freedom over our decisions…but what about the attitudes of the people you are surrounded by? Would I have been content with the foreknowledge of knowing that my in-laws and step son would hate me? And would I have done things differently had I known? The answers lie in the cornerstone of my faith, where Jesus has his way with me and I accept and even condone His will for my life. If I had known that in the year 2018 that I would go on a search for myself, and in doing so, lose almost every single connection to family I would not have changed a thing. For I have always been led by my heart, and, for better or worse, my discernment.
I feel that I have paid my dues, and living next to my in laws has proved a perilous and daunting task. From day one I was mistreated, ignored and abused. Yet no one would hear me, no one would listen-I was for the most part ignored, unless of course it was a holiday; and I learned to dread each and every one after my father died.
She’s so sensitive!
Yes, as a matter of fact, I expect to be listened to when I speak. Actions speak louder than words, and I got the hint early on when I noticed that no one heard me; instead they talked over me, through and around me-what I had to say had no merit-I wasn’t relevant, and I spent years and years trying to prove myself to people who couldn’t have cared less.
Hey, I’m a tough cookie. I roll with the punches as well as the next guy, and heaven knows it could be much worse. However, I am in control of my life now, and if I had to pretend for one more minute? I just couldn’t, let’s put it that way.
I want to begin anew. I want to surround myself with people who love me for who I am and who I am not-and boy do I have that in spades. My close friends are a small circle, but the circle is widening, and I have come to trust those in my church family, with my very life. Interestingly enough, all of my friends (with the exclusion of Jason, my guy pal extraordinaire, I met him while working with the Intellectually Disabled at a company who treated its personnel like prison inmates. I left three years ago, yet he remains-God is using him and he knows he is needed, and after winning a Humanitarian award for heroic effort on his part? I am happy to see him so complete, thriving because of the fact he is making a difference-I adore the man.
I was happy there for some time, until the powers that be proved to be insidious bottom dwellers who not only stole money from the clients, but food and clothing as well. My supervisors were always twenty somethings who knew nothing about the clients, and everything about scamming the company, but I digress.
What I need is a new start, a fresh start-and I can’t do it here, no, not living like a bug in a jar, awaiting the next slight, diss or downright slap in the face. I have to leave. Thoughts of upstate New York, where my family originated (actually England and Ireland) or Maine-I am a nature lover and feel quite drawn to the Adirondacks, or the coast of Maine, so brutally raw in its beauty-captivating.
I suppose I am day dreaming, but there must be a solution to the gripping and suffocating place in which I dwell this moment. A pawn in a game I refuse to play, I will be wiser, harden my heart and throw caution to the wind.
I am a rule breaker. I am a rock. I am an island.