Your Private Life Drama Baby…………

I LOVE Grace Jones.  I listened to her every chance I got in the eighties.  I was painting in the kitchen when WXPN played this tune, and I was shocked at how the lyrics still punch me in the gut-but for different reasons now.

I once dressed up as Miss Grace for Halloween, back in the day.  I bought a beach hat and attached Christmas balls to it, then painted my face brown.  I actually won the best costume that year, but coming home to my girlfriend’s house, wearing said costume, proved to be a bad idea, as Sally’s dog wanted me, wanted me bad for a midnight snack.  I had to go out to the back yard and strip, and my bestie got me a wash cloth…….brand new me, no rabid dog attacks.

This tune falls into the “narcissistic abuse” category, and if you listen closely there is a line about someone’s marriage being a “tragedy,” but I can offer no further details at this time as I am about 150% positive that my blog is now being hoovered: not just my sister, but other family members as well.  One of the things you learn, being the scapegoat of the family is this-if you open your mouth, for any reason, to defend or uphold your integrity, you will look ape shit crazy.  The narc has poisoned others’ minds with their vitriolic script, and if you do choose to stand up for yourself (believe me, the hardest thing that God has yet to ask of me is to turn the other cheek, realize my beloveds have been brainwashed, and-well, shut my mouth) you will only feed into their psychopathic, narcissistic rage.  You can’t play the victim card, they own victimhood.

In another few weeks, my family, cough, will be heading out to the Adirondack mountains, sans moi, and I can tell you right now the loss I feel is real.  I can only wonder if I did the right thing by cancelling our plans, but know this:  her day will come, and though I have began praying for her once again, the spirit of the Jezebel is not of this world.  We are the peacemakers, the empaths, the lovers and sympathizers.  And one day, we know not when, we shall be redeemed.

And She Was……

There is a well known fact in this household, rarely spoken of, but my heart beats for him continuously, and he has earned my adoration.  David Byrne, MARRY ME.  🙂  I had the pure privilege of seeing the Talking Heads at Emerald City in Philadelphia, circa 1980.  Front row.  The rolling melodies and heart thumping bass can still be heard in my head, and I am dead serious when I say that the female guitarist made a pass at me.  Ah, the good old days when rock was rock and  a spade a spade.

I had a horrible nightmare last night.  Or I should say this morning-Dwain had decided to go to work, despite the blizzard conditions-he wasn’t answering my calls, he was nowhere to be found.  I awoke in a cold sweat, extremely anxious and confused.  Moments later, while sipping hot coffee, I phoned my husband and my nerves were calmed just by the sound of his voice.  Strange way to start the day…….

As I walked down to the garage, to feed the feline community, I felt it-or, perhaps didn’t feel it is a better way to say this.  No pain.  During Lyme flares, my feet are constantly in pain.  Bone pain, muscle pain-I don’t let it slow me down, but the mere fact that I was pain free was reason enough to look up at the sky and praise Him.  My lymph node has diminished, and there is even a noticeable lift in my loafers.  Oh, how beautiful life is.  And here’s the thang-none of us are promised more than this day.  We have a choice-to be positive among the chaos and confusion, carpe diem,  or, as I did yesterday-we can pout, stomp our feet and be a miserable pain in the ass in general, bringing everyone around us on edge, walking upon proverbial eggshells.

I fail Him each and every day, by thought and deed.  I repent, ask for forgiveness, and concentrate on my future-with my main man, golden retriever and Yeshua-and between the four of us?  We have this, He is working in our lives, whether we see rainbows or coffins-the choice is ours, and I choose life-oh, my dear friends, I choose life~



Leave You in the Summertime…

Thinking about the people I have lost this year, and I have to say-there is freedom in walking away from toxic, malignant and evil psyches. I was also thinking about Stephen Hawking-didn’t that dude die like ten years ago? No disrespect intended, but I am a nurse and I know a few things. Anyhooser, on to my main topic.

I want you to understand that if you are in a relationship with a narc? And you have already tried everything-agreeing, bowing down, playing by the rules, screaming out ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!!! Well, if you have tried playing to their sympathies (they have none, so stop it) or even reality, and if you are ready for the tactic which is extreme, but very powerful, NO CONTACT-then I have some advice to share.

-It will be PAINFUL to let this person go. You will go through extreme emotions, utter devastation and, if you are lucky-you will come to the conclusion that as sad as it is, as unreal as the situation seems-you are BETTER OFF without their toxicity. You will be so much happier if you learn this lesson the first time. For me? It took a few tries.

-They are going to lie, cheat, seek and destroy to get their bloody selves out of trouble. Let’s face it, they have been doing this behind your back forever! Only now, for whatever reason, the mask has slipped. They have hurt you in a place that hits home. You can’t believe the betrayal, but this may be of some comfort: the narcissist is in pain as well. They won’t admit to it, but they faced abuse as children. From being spoiled rotten, to neglected, and they have put in years of hard work to ensure you depend upon them, to make sure you don’t leave them, they are petrified-absolutely petrified of abandonment. It helps to pray for them, because deep down inside you know that what we are fighting is not of this realm: no indeed, we are dealing with powers and principalities of evil, not flesh and blood.

-When you have grieved, and the pain is behind you-well, you open yourself up to so much joy, so much creativity (hey, no one is telling you to think or act a certain way!!!!) and so much freedom, you won’t believe how good it gets! (They used to say this in AA meetings, and I didn’t believe them. Nothing like dragging your alcohol deprived butt to a meeting, feeling as if you’re about to cough up a fur ball, when some stranger pops up in your face, clown smile intact, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, but they mean well.)

It’s just not about them anymore.

It’s about your recovery.

You have been told that you’re just not good enough.

Don’t believe a thing that doesn’t come from God’s mouth.

You are so much more than enough.

You are worthy, you are light.

In a New York State of Mind….

I have written, at length, about my relationship with my now disowned sister-but words will never portray the betrayal, the loss, the shock.  Back in the day, in our twenties, we did everything together.  I took her with me to Pittsburgh, my ex-husband’s home town, on several occasions, and there were great times, amazing times-but that is another story for another day.

It’s hard to explain what it’s like to find out someone as close as a sibling is a psychopath.  I look back constantly, why, why, why?  There were so many red flags, but my self esteem was in the toilet, and she used everything that was true and decent, my immense love for my family, my spirituality-she used it against me.

“Nothing matters to you more than family, does it Michele?,” she asked one rainy morning, ten or so years ago.   Of course not, I told her.  Family means everything, all we have in this world are each other, mom and dad are gone and we have to take care of the family we have left.                                      

She took this information, digested it, and used it against me for ten years straight.  My husband loved our nieces and nephew-he constantly asked why we didn’t just drive down to Exton, surprise them.  Back then, he didn’t understand the machinations of her twisted mind.  I knew she was punishing me, but where was the crime?

New York is incredibly important to me.  I was born in Utica, my grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles-they were all in upstate New York.  My father, the only person in our family who graduated college, attended St. Lawrence University- and that is where I will spread his ashes in September, standing next to my husband, my familia, who has been hurt and victimized as well, at the hands of her insanity.

Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love does not envy or boast.  Love, in all its messiness and madness, well, love never fails.

In gratitude and remembrance of Stephen James Elkins.   My friend, my partner in crime, my father.  It’s hell here without you daddy, see you on the other side.



Serenity Now…


One way to achieve peace is by shutting yourself off from the world. Isolating, ignoring, refusing life on life’s terms.


Another way? Being amongst nature, enjoying the beauty that God has created, being among the elements, invigorating.

wells new york 2017 (21)

Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers, paint your own garden. 🙂

roses 2018 (46)

Everyone should own a dog.


Or cat.


The best way to obtain a peace that surpasses all understanding is to get quiet. Turn off the sound, if you will.



I Think it Strange You Never Knew

I took what I wish I could tell you was my last drink in the beginning of October, 2007.  I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt, which is another story for another day.  What sobered me up was a combination of my husband’s frailty, my will to live and a gift-the blessing of clarity that comes from Jesus.  I won’t even try to tell you that this road has been easy.  We addicts push down the truth, and push our loved ones away-fact-and until we achieve sobriety?  Well, there will be no healing, no peace, no end to the pain that holds us in bondage.

Months afterwards, I was hiking in two feet of snow with my golden retriever, Dylan.  A shining star and beloved pet, it hurts my heart that I wasn’t with him for the first 5 years of his time on this earth.   I was here, but I wasn’t present, and I have no memory of what could have been the best years of my life, had I not succumbed to the melodic pull of oblivion.

So I am trudging up this hill, and I am overcome with love.  I feel forgiveness surround me.  I cry out to God and confess the absurd backslide I have taken with alcohol and pain medication.  I cry out to Jesus and I tell him to take my life, it isn’t mine to begin with, take it Jesus, mold me Jesus, cry with me and then I’ll get tough, I promise…….

“I have been here with you from the very beginning of time.  I have cried your tears, tasted the salt of your remorse, and I will deliver you from this travesty……”

I think it strange, I never knew….


Jesus Christ, Superstar

Wow. I feel as if I just stepped off of the longest roller coaster ride of my life. I am drained, physically and emotionally. Feeling a bit woobly this morning, the rain like cats and dogs-I thought to myself, ‘it would be so much easier to sit here and skip church, it’s too yucky, and I’m just too exhausted.’

Preparing to write my previous blog, the words of the song-along with the Holy Spirit-sparked a fire within me that got me up and dressed for the service. After the heart breaking events of our week, Dwain needing it as much as me-I knew I needed my church family-and the ensuing morning would prove my discernment, as it was life affirming, soul filling and just plain mind-blowing. God works in the most baffling and thrilling way-if we are lucky, we will have more than a few moments alone with Jesus that tell you that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, He is with you. He is inside you. And worshipping Christ is your only way of getting to God, it’s just that simple.

We met with Dwain’s parents last evening to discuss our growing concerns about my stepson, Bud. After his vitriolic and frightening assassination of my character and heart-we have yet to hear from him, and his behavior is out of control. I spent a few days angry, really angry/broken. I didn’t eat, couldn’t sleep right, I shook-from head to toe. Ever waking thought was of his face, the veins bulging in his forehead, screaming his hatred and resentment of the woman who “ruined my father’s life.” Dwain also told me that Bud has a problem with “working to pay her SSI income,” and that my friends is what this blog is about. I knew nothing he was saying was true, but the NPD victim in me wondered. “Am I a joke to the entire family? Is it true they think me a “freak?”

By the time we met with my in-laws, I had developed a deep concern for my step son’s well being, the pain he was in-his heart crushed. I believe what happened was a Narcissistic rage brought on by my lack of interest in arguing over his current or ex girlfriend. And when I set my boundaries, telling him that he had a attitude, he realized then and there he couldn’t control me through emotional manipulation. And I became the scapegoat-once again.

While at Hosanna this morning, hearing the music flow over me, feeling the Holy Spirit fill me once again-I glanced toward the prayer closet. When it was clear that the room was free, I walked over to the two elders who ushered me inside. Two of the most amazing prayer warriors I have seen, wept with me as I broke down and asked for prayer for my husband’s broken heart, my stepson’s state of mind, and-finally, for protection for my family-the full and mighty armor of God.

I try not to become discouraged when someone close to me hasn’t the faintest clue about mental health-especially mine. The average person has absolutely no idea how hard we fight to get through a day, how much we hold in and end up taking it out on ourselves, via self harming, drug addiction, alcoholism. Joe Blow does not get it. At all. And it saddens me when I think that Bud hasn’t seen the transformation Jesus has performed in my life. Will I forever be the alcoholic and never get the credit for my sobriety and blessed beyond measure life? Does any of this really matter?

The answer is this: we are loved beyond measure by a merciful father in Heaven, who gave us His world, His one and only Son to cover our sins, so that we may live with him forever in the heavenlies, in paradise-no more pain of any kind. We have so very much to look forward to-it boggles the mind. If we are taken aback by the beauty we see on this planet now, can you IMAGINE what Heaven will be like?

In the meantime? We truly need to love one another with compassion, understanding and respect. Hold on to your beloveds, but lightly-for we are here for the purpose of doing God’s work, and our loved ones belong to Him, no matter how terribly hard it is in the letting go~