Lost, Inside My Own Mind

After a sobering sermon on forgiveness, I find myself searching my heart and mind for relief, release or at least a NOT GUILTY verdict-I discover that I have been looking at many things in the wrong light.

The spiritual director spoke before the band played.  She talked about her granddaughter’s 13th birthday party, planned at a roller rink-50 children were invited.  Only two girls out of those fifty came to the party-her granddaughter was crushed, and she wanted revenge of the eye for an eye sort.  She swore she wanted to go to each and every home that housed the little brats, because these girls responded YES to the invite.

Crushing.  I wept for the little girl, and didn’t stop weeping until the service was over.  I have felt that exact heartache; there is a special kind of pain related to disrespect, cruelty and sucker punches to the gut-it isn’t pretty and it isn’t right, but what can you do?

As of late, I have been isolating myself.  I left our church of four years, ended friendships that were toxic and one sided, even stopped going to exercise class-I blame it on my bad knee, which is partly true.  The other reason?  I have been deeply hurt by no less than three women in that very class.  One woman was a long time friend who taunted me to the point of madness-she belittled, chastised and stalked.  I was honest with her, and no apology was forthcoming, not that I expected or demanded one.  I had hopes for the other two women, a friendship was budding…but these ladies had been BFFs forever, and the one didn’t think too kindly of me butting into the equation.

I had arranged a tea for us this past Winter.  We were having a lovely time until the woman I later learned was insecure and unforgiving, told me that she never attended our local bent and dent discount store because, wait for it…Amish people smell.

“What the fazuck am I doing here?”  The last thing I wanted was another judgmental and unforgiving woman in my life.  I dropped the ball and there it lay.  As much as I needed to get out amongst the living, protecting my heart was much more important.  I haven’t been back in months.  It saddens me because I truly felt at ease with these women, until someone complained about my baking a carrot cake for a member’s birthday.

What is wrong with people?

It amazes me how God works in our lives.  I had thought for years that the women of Schaefferstown were uppity and lackluster, set in their ways and averse to any one or any thing that challenged their black and white view of life.  One particular day I was called out by the instructor as I sat, minding my own business, talking to the woman next to me.

Were you a rebel in High School?”

It happens everywhere I go:  because I don’t care what others think of me, or perhaps because I do, in my own way-I stick out like a sore thumb.  In college I began working at a local restaurant as a hostess.  I sensed the cocktail waitresses and bartender were none too pleased with the new girl-the young blonde with the happy go lucky attitude was shunned-so I turned myself into the dumb young blonde who sarcastically spoke of the customers and employees with condescension and a touch of malice.

Everyone loved her.

I fancied myself an imbecile, too stupid to add up a bar tab, too clumsy to carry a tray of cocktails, too silly to ever be taken seriously.  As an emotionally abused child I learned how to fade into the woodwork;  and now, in my fifties?  I simply can’t risk one more heartache-so I shut myself down, don’t risk putting myself out there.  I have become my mother.

And so it was, as I sat there in the tiny little church in a strip mall this morning, that I began to feel the Grinch’s heart warm up a tad.  I wanted to raise my hand and ask the pastor how one is supposed to forgive seven times seventy without being seen and treated like a doormat.  I truly believe that is why I wasn’t taken seriously to begin with-the old Sara was abundantly loving and incredibly happy, despite all that stood in her way.  The new version?  Hardened, calloused and distrusting of anyone who gives her a sideways glance.  Nothing gets in, yes-but nothing goes out, and that is the point of this blog.

I want my heart back, Jesus.  I miss the girl with open arms and a love for others that couldn’t be dimmed, no matter the beating I took out in the real world.

Oh, what I wouldn’t do to have her back~

 

Dark to a Light so Bright

I’m running rather late today, I do apologize.  There comes a time in every woman’s life when she needs to wake up and smell the dirty laundry laying in her mud room.  Today was about that and flea control.  Look, I don’t want to complain-I have so much gratitude for the blessings, and their are many, that God has bestowed upon my family.

From here on out family=Dwain and myself, Jesse our golden retriever, and my 14 outdoor cats.  Please don’t judge me-I live out in the country where random imbeciles think it proper to dump their unwanted (often abused) felines in my front yard.  Over the years we have cared for over 200 cats, and even back in the day when we had no stove, no food and no cable.  I have succumbed to the lull of life’s luxuries, and frankly?  A roof over our heads, gardens full of vegetables and insanely beautiful flowers and herbs.  We have an overabundance of food these days-I used to horde food whenever possible, now I realize that God will meet our needs.  What extra we do have will be given to Christian ministries around our community.

I was listening to Field McConnel yesterday.  If you have never heard of him, put down what you’re doing and subscribe to Abel Danger.  Field and his wife Deniseare two of the bravest, sassiest, and patriotic God fearing people I have had the pleasure of watching.  And to think I almost abandoned him completely when he spoke about Zim appointments and 800 numbers.  Turns out he was feeding the Zim scam information to the trolls on his station.  If you don’t know what the Zim scam is, I highly suggest you remain ignorant and avoid it like the plague; most people with a modicum of discernment have no problem doing so.

I can only listen to thirty minutes at a time, but believe me, I hang on every word he utters-I don’t want to miss some of the best military intel available.

So, they were talking about taking resumes for a program that will help normies (the sleeping) as they awaken.  He was asking for medical personnel.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Those of us who have diligently followed Q, even when we wanted to pull every hair out of our heads, know everything.  We have known for years, give or take a few facts that are just now coming to the surface.  This is about the very time I started to realize the enormity of the problem.  Q told us that if the public were made aware of these horiffic and satanic acts, that 99% of them would have to be hospitalized.

They say you don’t know how strong you truly are until your courage is put to the test.  Every single anon in the community has, at one time, suffered the stages of a grief so astronomical it’s right off the charts.  That being said, most of us are in the “acceptance” stage.  Any Q detractor will tell you this was a Psy-op, yada, yada, yada.  NO.  This was the pure genius of Donald John Trump-the most transparent administration of our time.  We were given the “sauce” through the 4 and 8 chans communications:  detailed info graphs in which we were schooled in reality-the good, the bad, and the downright putrid.

In the days and weeks ahead, please remain calm and in prayer.  Remember:  this has been going on for centuries, and that we are now fighting evil in every dimension-and it turns out that we, or God, is winning.  There will be help available in the form of support teams; medical professionals and good men and women who want to ensure that you go through this transition with  much love and kindness afforded to you.

I pray that an army of angels fly before and behind you.  Be strong, know that God is in control.  Believe that the hard part is over, thanks to our beloved president, the military, and team Storm.  We owe God and these heroes our very lives-anyone who tries to tell you differently?  They don’t know jack shit.

 

 

 

 

A Pack of Lies

When I was a little girl, not even five, I began reciting this prayer:

God, please allow my family to be happy, healthy, holy and safe.

Growing up in a dysfunctional household (my sister was in a high chair until the age of 11) where chaos reigned supreme-I had to pray.  Clinging to Jesus was how I coped, and nothing has changed in that department.  As a matter of fact?  I pray the blood of Jesus over my dog and myself before we hike in the morning, and today was no different.

To set the stage for this story, I have to make it known that Jess and I hike in very remote areas.  I am extraordinarily aware of my surroundings; I take no chances, carry a big stick and a pistol-not the one I want to carry, but a little red number that looks just like a Ruger.  Sadly, it contains mace and not bullets.  Or perhaps, like my husband says, it is best I not pack heat.  With my Irish temper it could get ugly, and fast.

So, as we exited the woods and moved towards the Wrangler-an older gentleman pulls up and rolls down his window. 

“Can you still fish in this pond or have they drained it?”

Feeling he was harmless, I began a conversation I will not soon forget.

This country is in big trouble.  Hey, I’m an atheist.  God has done nothing for me, and I’ll tell you another thing-that asshole needs to go!!!

My jaw clenched.  My body language changed.  I was put on the defensive immediately.

“Why would you say that sir?,” I gently asked.  I thought, now I can give my testimony of what God has done for me, and perhaps help the old geezer out.

Because of all the women he has raped!!!!!

What the holy fazuck?

How, and I mean HOW does this shit happen to me?  Of all the places in the world, this cranky old man has to piss on my parade?  I’m just minding my own business, I was trying to help…seriously???

“I believe we are done, sir.”  I waled away, but he ranted and raved until I was safely ensconced in my jeep.

Later this morning, while on the phone with my best friend, she casually blurts this out-

“You know who that was, don’t you?  That was a demon.”

Holy Mary, mother of God and all of the Latter Day Saints.

She is as right as rain.

Twisted

How do we do it, us humans?  How do we manage to screw relationships up so badly? Especially those with eternal soul ties, as in siblings and family?  Your family should be the most precious thing to you, but sadly this is not the case for far too many.

A prophet is not a prophet in his own town, meaning if we are doing it right?  Our families will be at odds with one another.  It’s in the Bible, and so is the Jezebel spirit-the most prevalent demon since the dawn of time.  Jealousy, projection, rage, hatred, mockery, gaslighting and the list goes on.  She is gaining speed as we speak, and woe to the unsuspecting fool who stumbles upon her.

Two years ago, I told my kin not to come to my funeral if she couldn’t be a decent human being while I was on this earth.  At the time, I meant every word I said-still do.  Twenty four months is a very long time to be without a sister, and even more poignant?  I have no contact with my Godchild, nor her brother and sister.

This was her kryptonite, and she used it willingly and with wild abandon.  I don’t have the heart nor energy to go into the whole bloody mess of it, and frankly-it is history,  I have forgiven, but I will never forget and therein lies the rub.

I wrote to her the other day, and have yet to receive any form of an answer.  In certain ways, it is a devastation; in others- a sad relief.  I suppose it is God’s way of saying ‘not for you-but that makes it none the easier to give up hope.  The hope one has when they love another human being passionately and unconditionally.  Foolish, perhaps.  Maddening, for certain.

I know she is reading this, she reads every blog.

I want her to know that I am willing to salvage our sisterhood.

I want her to know that it doesn’t matter anymore-the long silences, the unreturned communications, the mean spirited digs and withholding of my blood.  She can’t touch my heart in that way because God has strengthened my spirit.  It would have to be an honest and open two way street.  There will be disagreements, but

She cannot throw the victim card, as I have never done a thing to hurt her.  She can’t throw the drinking card, as I am as clean and sober as I ever hoped to be.

She cannot take my heart away because that ship sailed two years ago.

At the end of the day?  I will not settle for anything less than complete transparency.

But she should know how much I love her.

I always will.

 

Chimes of Freedom

I don’t care how strong or stoic you are; when it comes to your heart, or the breaking of it; your grief will find its way. Losing my ability to run from my emotions today, I finally let go and cried on my golden retriever’s neck-is there any better place for waterworks? Your canine/feline’s neck? Sigh.

The fall weather makes my heart sing-I love the cool air, the life transforming sunsets, and the harvest of a hard Summer’s work. Everything, from hay rides to pumpkins-it’s all good, I treasure every day. Big blankets, cinnamon burning on the stove, my pup at my feet. A Holy Bible. A Dean Koons. A warm cup of cocoa next to the fireplace, even if it is just gas. Our wood stove in the kitchen, cranking out heat so strong I walk around buck naked some days: the hot flashes don’t bode well with my husband’s desire to warm his feet, which have no circulation due to frostbite obtained in a long ago hunting trip.

My day turned from glorious to harsh reality in ten seconds flat. While hiking at Speedwell Forge, a beautiful but far away place. We go there maybe every two weeks, and due to recent flooding-we hadn’t been in months. Halfway through the trek I took out my cell. A screen I had seen only once before appeared; some sci-fi looking alert. I couldn’t turn the stupid phone off, and I was set to take pictures of an ethereal waterfall. I knew I was being targeted, and I was wild.

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I took my phone apart and head out towards the jeep. I was furious. Speech is not free in America, and hasn’t been for some time now. If you have a voice that goes against the mainstream media, you will be silenced. Period. Not only will they shadow ban on social media, but they will fuck with your electronics until you’re at the point of pulling your hair out. Literally.

Do you have any idea of how long it takes me to write a blog? Hours. The screen will go blank just as I am getting going, suddenly I will lose my work-even after I have saved it. It sounds silly, but after two years of this crap, I am beyond angered, frustrated, homicidal. Okay, not homicidal, but seriously?

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I have taken on an assignment from Jesus. For two years I have been led, by the nose at times, on a quest for truth. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS (the deep state contains more than a few Republicans, Mike Pence being a satanic, POS pedophile himself-and yes, I have proof)and due to the successful mission of Project Mockingbird-the media is full of CIA operatives, who are trained to “brainwash” the lowly general public. I will write more on this subject, and include research affirming my statements.

The point of all of this is that while I have no choice in the matter; while I don’t go down the rabbit holes with any joy in my heart; the fact is, this is how God wants to use me, in the here and now. He has been preparing me for such a time as this. Losing friends and family has been hard on my psyche, and three are days when the loneliness and isolation leave me breathless and weeping.

No. I didn’t ask for any of this, but I sure as hell fire will do my very best, to be the hands and feet of my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

A Passionate Man, Sainted Anon

Good afternoon!  My ADD has won, I give up.  I’m done trying.  Sweet Mary, Mother of God have I had my head up my bottom!  Literally.

It has been a day, but a good one indeed.  Why, you ask?  Because the good guys, the Patriots, the White Hats-at the direction of our beloved Donald J. Trump (who has accomplished amazing and terifically brave things in the fight for our lives and country back)  There is no opinion other than that, and that isn’t being a Socialist-it is about being a pragmatist.

Google, Facebook, and soon the MSM-they will answer for the censorship and in extremely expensive ways at that.  There has just been a lawsuit filed, don’t quote me but I believe it represents all conservatives who have been silenced and shadowbanned.  Let’s face it, the past two and a half years have been debilitating.  Shunned by a society that worships the AntiChrist, simply for voting for Trump.  A hellish few years, but we are experiencing the literal TAKEDOWN of evil at its absolute worst.

There is a film, I have not watched it-I don’t want to.  I think it’s illegal to do so, but I am not sure.  This snuff film caused grown men to cry, vomit and seek therapy.  No one is going to sue me for saying this, they are the facts:  Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedein raped, tortured and then consumed a child.  For Adrenochrome.  FACT.

As Juan (or, as some including myself believe-JFK, Jr.) would say, this country needs to “Grow The Fuck Up.”

I wanted to share this vid to show you that my information and sources are credible, and that I do a great amount of research before I come to any conclusions.

Sainted, baby, thanks for the mention!

The Good Fight

I have decided to stop, at least for now, writing about the Great Awakening.  First and foremost, I do not know how to interpret military intel:  I have difficulty with the narrative as it changes daily.  Intel will always include disinformation, and at this point in the game-please know we are winning the war.  God wins.  The hard part appears to be over, yet we truly need to keep our President, his family and our military in our prayers.  The border crises is real, global warming is not a thing, and yes-HRC is going to GITMO, and she will be executed for treason.

These are the things I can promise you.

A bit of research and you will find this is anything BUT a political stunt, Psy-op or intention to split this country and its citizens any further.  The Great Awakening is a movement to bring this nation’s people closer together.  United we are so much stronger than alone!  This entire plan, in place for years, is God’s plan.  I don’t care if you love him or hate him, but this president has done more for our country than any president in our history to fight for Americans and bring us to the truth.

The Trump administration is excelling at the battle of good against evil:  hundreds of thousands of indictments for sex trafficking and pedophilia.  Bringing sanity back to the White House after eight years of darkness.  Whether you believe it or not, Barry Saetero was groomed from a very young age by the powers of Darkness, the CIA and Rockefeller family.  He is in fact a Satanist.  A little bit of research and the proof is there, for all of you to see.

No.  You will not see this in the mainstream media, not yet.

Patriots have become the news, and that is also a fact.  YouTube, Facebook and Twitter are presently overcome with Patriots and “conspiracy theorists.”  It is confusing and hard to know what to believe.

I pray you listen to this tape, as it is, in a nutshell, what we are all fighting for:  freedom from tyranny, and the God’s honest truth.  No, you will definitely not enjoy your journey to an awareness of what is reality and very hard to swallow.  No, it is not your fault for not knowing this, Project Mockingbird Media took to brainwashing you years and years before you were born.  The powers that be, the Illuminati, have had their way in what we see, read and watch-they want you frightened, terrorized actually.  The New Age is a wonderkid of the occult, also brought to you by the CIA and Rockefeller families.  This was there way of bringing Satan (their god) into the church, a great deception that is going strong today.  A deception that will come to fruition when you have taken the mark of the beast.

For real, brothers and sisters.

It is my prayer that we can heal our families, churches and societal mores that have been so badly broken by the dragon, who scours the earth with earnest-for any unsuspecting sap who’ll fall for his lies.