Lost, Inside My Own Mind

After a sobering sermon on forgiveness, I find myself searching my heart and mind for relief, release or at least a NOT GUILTY verdict-I discover that I have been looking at many things in the wrong light.

The spiritual director spoke before the band played.  She talked about her granddaughter’s 13th birthday party, planned at a roller rink-50 children were invited.  Only two girls out of those fifty came to the party-her granddaughter was crushed, and she wanted revenge of the eye for an eye sort.  She swore she wanted to go to each and every home that housed the little brats, because these girls responded YES to the invite.

Crushing.  I wept for the little girl, and didn’t stop weeping until the service was over.  I have felt that exact heartache; there is a special kind of pain related to disrespect, cruelty and sucker punches to the gut-it isn’t pretty and it isn’t right, but what can you do?

As of late, I have been isolating myself.  I left our church of four years, ended friendships that were toxic and one sided, even stopped going to exercise class-I blame it on my bad knee, which is partly true.  The other reason?  I have been deeply hurt by no less than three women in that very class.  One woman was a long time friend who taunted me to the point of madness-she belittled, chastised and stalked.  I was honest with her, and no apology was forthcoming, not that I expected or demanded one.  I had hopes for the other two women, a friendship was budding…but these ladies had been BFFs forever, and the one didn’t think too kindly of me butting into the equation.

I had arranged a tea for us this past Winter.  We were having a lovely time until the woman I later learned was insecure and unforgiving, told me that she never attended our local bent and dent discount store because, wait for it…Amish people smell.

“What the fazuck am I doing here?”  The last thing I wanted was another judgmental and unforgiving woman in my life.  I dropped the ball and there it lay.  As much as I needed to get out amongst the living, protecting my heart was much more important.  I haven’t been back in months.  It saddens me because I truly felt at ease with these women, until someone complained about my baking a carrot cake for a member’s birthday.

What is wrong with people?

It amazes me how God works in our lives.  I had thought for years that the women of Schaefferstown were uppity and lackluster, set in their ways and averse to any one or any thing that challenged their black and white view of life.  One particular day I was called out by the instructor as I sat, minding my own business, talking to the woman next to me.

Were you a rebel in High School?”

It happens everywhere I go:  because I don’t care what others think of me, or perhaps because I do, in my own way-I stick out like a sore thumb.  In college I began working at a local restaurant as a hostess.  I sensed the cocktail waitresses and bartender were none too pleased with the new girl-the young blonde with the happy go lucky attitude was shunned-so I turned myself into the dumb young blonde who sarcastically spoke of the customers and employees with condescension and a touch of malice.

Everyone loved her.

I fancied myself an imbecile, too stupid to add up a bar tab, too clumsy to carry a tray of cocktails, too silly to ever be taken seriously.  As an emotionally abused child I learned how to fade into the woodwork;  and now, in my fifties?  I simply can’t risk one more heartache-so I shut myself down, don’t risk putting myself out there.  I have become my mother.

And so it was, as I sat there in the tiny little church in a strip mall this morning, that I began to feel the Grinch’s heart warm up a tad.  I wanted to raise my hand and ask the pastor how one is supposed to forgive seven times seventy without being seen and treated like a doormat.  I truly believe that is why I wasn’t taken seriously to begin with-the old Sara was abundantly loving and incredibly happy, despite all that stood in her way.  The new version?  Hardened, calloused and distrusting of anyone who gives her a sideways glance.  Nothing gets in, yes-but nothing goes out, and that is the point of this blog.

I want my heart back, Jesus.  I miss the girl with open arms and a love for others that couldn’t be dimmed, no matter the beating I took out in the real world.

Oh, what I wouldn’t do to have her back~

 

TREASON

I want to apologize for neglecting my readers, it wasn’t intentional.  To be honest?  I am on an emotional roller coaster, but thrilled to report that Jesus has this-I feel a peace and joy that’s been missing for some time.  Turns out, all I had to do is ask.

This information will engage, and enrage you-to be sure.  There is no more I don’t believe you!  This is fact, and nothing but.  Personally, I don’t see how POTUS maintained his composure after Mueller’s antics the other day-I would have knocked his fucking block off-but hey, that’s just my Irish talking.

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Mueller had a chance to redeem his character, but he chose to crawl up the Deep State’s ass instead.

So, what now?  We wait, those of us Anons who know the truth.  This is, indeed, an incredibly dark time in our nation’s history.  And each and every one of us has a choice-we can fight for what’s right and good and true-or we can stay in our comfort zone, all the while knowing that you, sirs, are part of the problem.

I have so much to write about, and one of the subjects I will be taking on is the Great Deception-New Age ideology.  Approximately 61% of professed Christians are involved in this demonology, and to me that is 61% too many.  I have a Twitter account now, so I can see increase in a philosophy that comes from demons.  Literally.  The video below may be of interest to those of you dabbling in the occult.  Many of you don’t even know it-I can speak with a modicum of authority, because Jesus brought me up and out of the muck and mire.

There is one, and only one way to the Kingdom-and that is by knowing Jesus on a personal level.

Christ is not an Ascended Master.

And Satan has an angel costume that will knock your socks off.

Don’t be fooled-it isn’t worth your soul~

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I Look Up

As I hiked the Susquehanna Valley this morning, I thought of and prayed for the plight of the folks who refuse to awaken, my husband included.  I have done what I could, so I’m giving it to God.  What did God say to Elijah?

They will not listen, but tell them anyway.

It’s not a game to me, the Spiritual battle that is playing out all around us-although I do understand the smoking gun…who wants to rock their own world, everything they have ever believed is a lie, right is left, up is down-the mainstream media takes it to a new level of STUPID every single day.

But now the time has come.  Nothing can stop this, it has been written in the stars, the Word, our very beings are filled with truth-you must search for it, and pray for discernment.  I deleted my Facebook account-you have thirty days-and I still have to open it one more time for any last minute messages.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I know what’s coming:

AI, facial recognition, social status…these three things are not good for one who has bucked the system at every turn.  I don’t go out to play, as aside from my husband?  There is no one to play with.  Not until the whole truth is out will I venture into unknown territory.  I am sick to death of being:

Stared at blankly.

Laughed at.

Told I am out of my mind.

Advised I should stay off the internet.

Disrespected.

There is good and great news on the horizon.  Don’t believe me, do your own research.  John F. Kennedy, Jr. is alive and well.  Mike Pence is a sadistic child rapist and murderer, and his time is coming, you can take these things to the bank.

We need Jesus desperately.  I just read a great article about the current times, and according to Thomas St. Germain?  We are only seeing about 5% of what is really going on around us.  The worst thing you can do is succumb to the darkness, that is exactly what the Cabal wants.

Satan is the father of all lies.

Satanists have another thing coming if they think their “god” loves or even likes them-he is the Great Destroyer.  Don’t get caught up in what the world is doing, we are not a part of this world.

And one last thing:  lukewarm Christians, know-it-alls and even a few people I know are in for an extremely rude awakening.  Don’t shoot the messenger.  Good things are coming.

For the meek shall inherit the earth.

 

Destiny is Calling Me…

I don’t quite know where to begin, and my mind is racing in seven different directions, in seven different languages. 🙂

I am not fond of speaking of my past, in terms of the darker days. I feel a chill in the air, my mood plummets to the pits of hell-but God took me through those fires for a reason, and I know that my story is your story-you, the addict. And by addiction I don’t mean to chocolate: I’m talking drinking to the point of blackouts; stealing medications from clients; multiple “accidents” and that feeling in the pit of your gut-your guilt, coupled with the pain you are self medicating.

Nasty. Putrid. Bleak.

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“How could I possibly clean myself up? What would I do with all of my raw, searing pain? How could I cope?”

Beloveds, listen to the wise old hoot owl-learn from my mistakes. I spent years running from a traumatic childhood, turned to booze and men, then pills and cocaine. I married the man of my dreams (ok, he is seriously on my nerves today-but we made vows and stuff)and when I had life by the balls? I washed it down the kitchen drain; hook, line and sinker. Ten years of my life are missing, literally. Yet, I am just another sinner, clawing my way out of the rat race; running at warp speed to what I had no idea at the time.

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I ran into the boys from Teen Challenge, an amazing program of hope and sobriety for men of all ages and backgrounds, who have failed in all previous attempts to get sober. Every holiday we see them at our local grocery store. I listened to their stories, we laughed-and cried together. I have an innate connection to the broken-I always will. Even without their stand and wares? I could have picked out those men in a heartbeat.

Addicts have a tell, and it takes one to know one. It’s all in the eyes-which speak to me in various ways. Today it was the look of the haunted. I knew immediately that they were just beginning their journey; the look of sheer panic, yes. But something about them stood out, as if they were old souls or friends I hadn’t seen in some time.

“I just got out of prison, was there for two years. Lost my family, home and job. I tried every program out there, and I relapsed every time-it is an absolute miracle that God found me when He did. It’s Jesus that makes all of the difference! I have my family back, ma’am. And you know who the glory goes to, now, don’t ya?”

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you. -Deuteronomy 31:8

Every day you don’t take a drink is a miracle.

Be miraculous~

“TRUMP ISN’T GOD!!!!!!”

I can tell you for a fact a harder week I have not experienced.  After the stress of waiting for “The Plan” to go down, anticipating the False Flags and suicides-I came to a very large, very frightening bump in the road.

I admit it, I am addicted to Twitter.  I am a digital soldier in the war against tyranny, evil and anything not of God.  I believe in QAnon, I believe in the Great Awakening, and yes-I believe in Donald J.  Trump.

Isaac Kappy committed suicide-TMZ

I don’t want to go into detail, mostly because I am on the upswing today-but that news shook me to the core.  I wept, in bed, for two days.  I am still weeping, just not as much.  I lost myself in the grief.  I knew him, I followed him and I loved his spirit.  I loved the courage it took to come out against Pedophilia in Hollywood-he knew it was a risk, he knew he could die-yet he felt so very strongly for the abused children and victims of Satanic Ritual Abuse.  He risked his career, his livelihood and in the end, the boogey man won.  Or, the Deep State if you would prefer.

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The darkness overwhelmed me.  I couldn’t eat, speak or stay vertical for almost three days.  It was terrifying.  I have to admit that I do have a cold, and I am premenstrual-so that added to my status as a complete emotional wreck.

My husband and I had argued the day of Isaac’s death.  I was hurt because he didn’t take my grief or my friend seriously.  He was actually angry with me-but we didn’t get down to that until today.  He is afraid I will meet a Prince Charming whilst surfing the worldwide web.  Bless his heart.  So today, he came home from work and began discussing a chat he had with his coworkers.  I interrupted, started to talk of POTUS (Dwain is a die hard conservative and stands by him one thousand percent)

“Trump isn’t GOD!!!!!!!!!!!”  he screams.

Seriously?  I truly think he has his panties in a bunch because I am as you say, in the know.  He hates it that I know more than he does, yet he will not allow me to tell him the truth, as we anons know it to be.  God bless him, I often wish I hadn’t gone down this roller coaster -rabbit hole.  But God kept telling me to search for the truth.  And after a lifetime of emotional abuse at the hands of family, therapists and “friends.” I suffer from PTSD.  I can only say that those of us with this disorder are not ones to fancy being snuck up on-ironically, I have found an inner strength, through Jesus Christ, that surprises me.

I can tell you a few things-Trump is not God, but our Lord has ordained him for such a time as this.  The Plan goes back years, before JFK, JR. faked his own death, to avoid being “arkansided” by his running mate for New York Senator-Ms. Hellary Clinton herself.

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In closing, I would like to give a shout out to Mr. Tom Hanks, your Twitter feed is now being investigated by the Feds.  You are a sick and evil, twisted little man.

Thank you Peacock-it helps to have friends in high places~

 

“I am not suicidal. I am not suicidal.”

I didn’t know Isaac well, but we were in touch, now and then.  I wrote to him to offer help with the counseling (for the Satanic Ritual Abuse survivors) but turns out he needed people in LA, not Pennsylvania.  He had a good heart.  He began a truth movement, targeting people he knew in Hollywood (Isaac was an actor) and outing their evil, pedophilic debauchery.  Seth Green was his first, and I remember watching his very first video.  He and Seth were good friends, and he was extremely emotional.  It took great courage to take this to the public.

Some things were accomplished, and foremost in the minds of those who loved him was the bothersome question:

How in the bloody HELL is this man going to stay safe?

Moments prior to his appearance on the [Alex Jones] show, I contacted him to offer some support-Isaac was anything but frightened or nervous.  Afterwards, we both laughed at how hard AJ tried to get him riled up-we laughed harder when Isaac stuck to his story, and held on to his integrity.

I was scrolling through Twitter when I saw the news:  Isaac Kappy dead, of suicide, after jumping from an Arizona bridge.

No!  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to his last video-he was in trouble.  He fucked up.  He repeatedly said that he was not suicidal.  Isaac struggled with addiction (another commonality) to Meth and gambling.  He was honest about it.  But things had been looking up for him recently:  a combination of his new music and a brighter outlook on life.  He fondly called his followers famalam, and his air hugs were poignant in a way I can’t put to words.

I cried for hours.  Sobbed, actually.  It is hard for the regular Joe to understand the bond the QAnon community shares.  I have worked in an ER, and in nursing homes-when you work in a war zone, you share an intimacy with your coworkers-just as veterans of the military do.  The adrenaline is pumping and you rely on you peers to support you in the fight for victory, justice.

Not unlike those of us who support Donald J. Trump, QAnon, and the fight to crush the blackhats and make America Great Again.  We are vulnerable digital soldiers, and the dangers involved in speaking against this otherworldly deep state are real.  William Cooper, Seth Rich and now, Isaac.

This isn’t over.

There will be justice for Isaac.  He fought so hard.  The reality of his day to day exposure to victims and their stories, combined with the stress of staying safe took their toll.  He always said that nobody would mess with him, implying that there was a security team of sorts, the likes of Dirty Harry and Bikers for Trump…I find it chilling to think of him in his final moments.  When he realized his fate, how terrified he must have been.

It is my belief that Mr. Kappy is with his famalam in Heaven, where his tears are wept away-and he doesn’t have to run, from anyone, ever again.

 

The Mark Taylor Prophecies

I am having one hell of a time trying to upload this video, or even blog for that matter.  I am going to call out this site as discriminatory towards conservative sites.  I know for a fact that Christian bloggers accounts are being unfollowed and it pisses me off to no end to think I am paying good money to be fucked with.

I truly hope I’m wrong-but let’s just say I’m not:  didn’t work out so well for @Jack or Zuckerberg, or Google.  Class actions suits can bring moola, what did it cost Zucky boy?

Five billion dollars.

I do not have a litigious bone in my body, and if I were to proceed with a complaint the money, if any, allocated to me would go to the Wounded Warriors and Humane Society, respectively.  I know of a female vlogger who was awarded big, big bucks for Facebook censorship.  Just saying.

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I had a day, people.  Not a bad day, just an incredibly busy one.  I took the pooch for a hike, filled a wheel barrow full of weeds, planted flowers, did the dishes, made brownies and took said pooch to the groomer.  By three o’clock I was spinning…how can people say they are bored when they retire?  Seriously?  Well, everyone doesn’t live in a century old home that needs, well, everything fixed, painted or planted.  Not complaning, and I couldn’t do it without Jesus- God gives me plenty of down time with sinus infections, head wounds and depression.  I carry my cross daily, but I have to laugh about it.  Perspective is key in the arduous and heart wrenching times ahead.

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The video above caught me by surprise today, as I had just recently prayed about Mark Taylor.  There has been so much deception, it truly is hard to trust.   I have to say I had goosebumps five minutes in, and was overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit.  I wept as I stepped into the tub, tears of release-tears for the people who have not yet awakened.  I was lucky, able to take my time and tear the scales from my eyes at my own pace.  Those still under the spell of the MSM?  They will not get to choose.

Please know we are going to be okay.  I truly do think the red pill is going to send millions of people “not walking, but running to God.”  This has all been written in the Bible, and God wants us to prosper, not parish~

As always I welcome any questions or concerns.  I can be reached at dylanlover1@gmail.com.