I was running at warp speed this morning, running late for a doctor’s appointment (I am always running late, but whateve)I cursed out loud when I realized I had forgotten my phone.
“Son of a BITCH,” I yelled, the dog staring at me from the jeep, cats flying-I ran in for my Samsung. As I pulled out of the driveway I realized, with irritation, that I had spaced out on feeding the cat menagerie. My Tourette’s increasing by the second.
As I arrived at said office, I was told the last receptionist to update my information (new system, BLERG)did so incorrectly, and I tried my best to be patient, as the office manager asked me questions I had answered 6,789 times before. My thought cloud was rated RRR, and the worst was yet to come.
“Step on the scale, please,” the robotoid nurse said.
I am, presently, still fighting the eating disorder battle-forty years after it first began. If there is one thing I loathe, it’s a lame ass nurse who just doesn’t get it, and she didn’t.
“143 pounds,” she announced. I almost throat punched her.
Does it not say in my chart that I have a background of anorexia and am not to be told my weight? Oh, yes, I see the BIG PINK WRITING on the front of my chart. I took my coat off, was weighed again-and now I have that little voice in my head, chanting “you were just diagnosed with Lyme, but no matter, increase your hikes and begin Pilates, STAT.” (I gained all of two pounds, but it may as well have been two hundred.)
And so it went. I made a trip to Target, went directly to the pharmacy for my Doxycycline, then began the thirty minute drive home. I switched into my hiking clothes and began the trek to antler shed heaven, just across the street.
Halfway through my legs like lead, my stomach churning-I wondered out loud what the heck I was doing, trying to prove. The terrain is treacherous, icy and full of ways to hurt yourself. Did someone say JAGGER BUSH???
I wanted to call my husband to come pick me up. He works an hour away.
“Oh, just grow a pair and do this, you aren’t in Antarctica, for crying out loud,” I mumbled.
As Jesse and I wove through and around the icy stretches, I managed to get my boot stuck in ten inches of water-I had stepped on ice I thought would hold me-and the slow motion free-fall was harrowing. I am AMAZED I didn’t break my leg.
“JESSE!!!!!” I scream for my dog, he runs right over and sniffs the grass, then walks away.
“What the Fazuck?,” I say to him. Some hero you are.
Upon arriving home, FINALLY, my husband phoned to tell me that a surprise would soon be delivered. Friends, can I just say that my house is livable, but in no way whatsoever is it other people friendly. I began doing dishes and laundry, tears running down my cheeks, wondering if I will ever make it to the couch. I am drained. I am raising the white flag. I am a HOT MESS IN HIKING BOOTS.
Sweet Jesus, WHEN are they coming? WHO is coming? Is it a new frig, OMG do I have to clean that behemoth out today???? I sat down on the couch, tears dripped into my coffee, my butt cheeks sore from the fall. There is a knock on the door.
And as I prepare for the worst, I am given a dozen of the most insanely beautiful roses I have ever seen-mauve in their majesty. Attached is a big pink Teddy bear I will take to bed with me, after I clean up this mess and hug the crap out of my husband. 🙂