I Think it Strange You Never Knew

I took what I wish I could tell you was my last drink in the beginning of October, 2007.  I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt, which is another story for another day.  What sobered me up was a combination of my husband’s frailty, my will to live and a gift-the blessing of clarity that comes from Jesus.  I won’t even try to tell you that this road has been easy.  We addicts push down the truth, and push our loved ones away-fact-and until we achieve sobriety?  Well, there will be no healing, no peace, no end to the pain that holds us in bondage.

Months afterwards, I was hiking in two feet of snow with my golden retriever, Dylan.  A shining star and beloved pet, it hurts my heart that I wasn’t with him for the first 5 years of his time on this earth.   I was here, but I wasn’t present, and I have no memory of what could have been the best years of my life, had I not succumbed to the melodic pull of oblivion.

So I am trudging up this hill, and I am overcome with love.  I feel forgiveness surround me.  I cry out to God and confess the absurd backslide I have taken with alcohol and pain medication.  I cry out to Jesus and I tell him to take my life, it isn’t mine to begin with, take it Jesus, mold me Jesus, cry with me and then I’ll get tough, I promise…….

“I have been here with you from the very beginning of time.  I have cried your tears, tasted the salt of your remorse, and I will deliver you from this travesty……”

I think it strange, I never knew….

 

I Think it Strange You Never Knew

I took what I wish I could tell you was my last drink in the beginning of October, 2007.  I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt, which is another story for another day.  What sobered me up was a combination of my husband’s frailty, my will to live and a gift-the blessing of clarity that comes from Jesus.  I won’t even try to tell you that this road has been easy.  We addicts push down the truth, and push our loved ones away-fact-and until we achieve sobriety?  Well, there will be no healing, no peace, no end to the pain that holds us in bondage.

Months afterwards, I was hiking in two feet of snow with my golden retriever, Dylan.  A shining star and beloved pet, it hurts my heart that I wasn’t with him for the first 5 years of his time on this earth.   I was here, but I wasn’t present, and I have no memory of what could have been the best years of my life, had I not succumbed to the melodic pull of oblivion.

So I am trudging up this hill, and I am overcome with love.  I feel forgiveness surround me.  I cry out to God and confess the absurd backslide I have taken with alcohol and pain medication.  I cry out to Jesus and I tell him to take my life, it isn’t mine to begin with, take it Jesus, mold me Jesus, cry with me and then I’ll get tough, I promise…….

“I have been here with you from the very beginning of time.  I have cried your tears, tasted the salt of your remorse, and I will deliver you from this travesty……”

I think it strange, I never knew….

I Think it Strange You Never Knew

I took what I wish I could tell you was my last drink in the beginning of October, 2007.  I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt, which is another story for another day.  What sobered me up was a combination of my husband’s frailty, my will to live and a gift-the blessing of clarity that comes from Jesus.  I won’t even try to tell you that this road has been easy.  We addicts push down the truth, and push our loved ones away-fact-and until we achieve sobriety?  Well, there will be no healing, no peace, no end to the pain that holds us in bondage.

Months afterwards, I was hiking in two feet of snow with my golden retriever, Dylan.  A shining star and beloved pet, it hurts my heart that I wasn’t with him for the first 5 years of his time on this earth.   I was here, but I wasn’t present, and I have no memory of what could have been the best years of my life, had I not succumbed to the melodic pull of oblivion.

So I am trudging up this hill, and I am overcome with love.  I feel forgiveness surround me.  I cry out to God and confess the absurd backslide I have taken with alcohol and pain medication.  I cry out to Jesus and I tell him to take my life, it isn’t mine to begin with, take it Jesus, mold me Jesus, cry with me and then I’ll get tough, I promise…….

“I have been here with you from the very beginning of time.  I have cried your tears, tasted the salt of your remorse, and I will deliver you from this travesty……”

I think it strange, I never knew….

I Think it Strange You Never Knew

I took what I wish I could tell you was my last drink in the beginning of October, 2007.  I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt, which is another story for another day.  What sobered me up was a combination of my husband’s frailty, my will to live and a gift-the blessing of clarity that comes from Jesus.  I won’t even try to tell you that this road has been easy.  We addicts push down the truth, and push our loved ones away-fact-and until we achieve sobriety?  Well, there will be no healing, no peace, no end to the pain that holds us in bondage.

Months afterwards, I was hiking in two feet of snow with my golden retriever, Dylan.  A shining star and beloved pet, it hurts my heart that I wasn’t with him for the first 5 years of his time on this earth.   I was here, but I wasn’t present, and I have no memory of what could have been the best years of my life, had I not succumbed to the melodic pull of oblivion.

So I am trudging up this hill, and I am overcome with love.  I feel forgiveness surround me.  I cry out to God and confess the absurd backslide I have taken with alcohol and pain medication.  I cry out to Jesus and I tell him to take my life, it isn’t mine to begin with, take it Jesus, mold me Jesus, cry with me and then I’ll get tough, I promise…….

“I have been here with you from the very beginning of time.  I have cried your tears, tasted the salt of your remorse, and I will deliver you from this travesty……”

I think it strange, I never knew….

 

A Letter to My Sister……

The other day my husband and I watched The Carpenters on Reelz. If someone had warned me, I wouldn’t have watched it. I believe that some films and television shows should come with a TRIGGER alert. Let’s just say, I sat through two hours of my life story, and I bled with her when she bled. Her mother, like mine (I have made peace with her, forgiven her-she did her best)was domineering, her brother her hero, she was under the control of her family for her entire adult life. In retaliation she developed an eating disorder, which began by her mother constantly complaining that she was heavy or eating too much. Deja Vu.

Anyway, I cried like a baby at the end-feeling as if I had just seen a docudrama of my life. And that, of course, sent me in a downward spiral of regret, remorse, repentance.

I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. I didn’t expect what happened yesterday, as I broke down again. When I am really sick I cry, or get very bitchy; no hoe down for my husband, trust me.

I miss my sister.” I want my sister and the gut wrenching reality is that we are broken, she and myself. I asked that she not write to me again unless she was serious about healing. I never heard from her again, and hey, at least I know where she stands.

We are often at the whim of our DNA. The family secrets swept under the rug, generation after generation. The scary monsters of the past, who have somehow convinced her that I don’t care.

What fresh hell have I stumbled upon, and where, oh sweet Jesus, where will it end?

To Sit and Wonder Why….

Okay, men, if you don’t want to hear me rant about how freaking STUPID your asses get when you’re sick, (my apologies to the grown ups, who, you know, can be self sufficient when they are ill) I guess you’d better “step off, George.”

I think most of you know how much I love my husband. And, you know that he was on a recent trip, that I have a horrible temper when pushed to my last nerve ending, and that I am in recovery. All of that being said? I AM GOING TO WRING HIS FREAKISHLY LARGE NECK!!!!


SERIOUSLY??????

So, last night went like this: I have been sick for weeks, but I haven’t taken time to rest, at all. As a matter of fact I am working at the house and errands per usual, and still fighting the war against my anxiety. Yesterday? All I wanted, all I really wanted was for my husband to come home and take care of stuff around the house. The constant letting in and letting out of the cat population, feeding said cat population, taking care of Jesse are things that can tax a person who is one horse hair’s ass from dropping over completely. Things took a terrible turn for the worst when my husband announced, at 4 p.m. that he was going to bed.

Not before causing a huge argument, of course. You see, when Dwain is sick? It is in my nature to pamper and care for, but sorry amigos, this time? Oh this time I was livid. So the poor thing puts himself to bed, and leaves me, ON THE COUCH, to fend for myself.

If you knew what shape my couch was in, you would be screaming ASSHOLE at the computer screen, trust me. That’s right folks, I slept on the dilapidated couch (oh, we have new furniture a friend gave us months ago, but it’s still in the garage. Insert frowny face.

I awoke to a screaming Maine Coon in my face. Jesse was crossing his legs, poor baby. Animals everywhere, a freaking herd of animals-crying at me, giving the evil eye, What the hell is going on around here? The mew. There was not enough Calgon on planet earth to take me away. So, I am sitting here and it’s nearing noon, and I feel badly-as angry as I am with him, I still love him, still care) and I make him a pity egg sandwich. I reclaim my seat on the couch, he is walking down the stairs-I would have brought it up-one at a time.

“What fresh hell is this? read my thought bubble.

You’re brunch is on the table,” I mutter between clenched teeth.

He comes to the living room, and I am hopeful. I can sneak upstairs with a good book and rest in my oh so comfy bed-but hark, I hear the sound of an invalid, what is he saying?

“I’ll eat that sandwich tonight for dinner. I’m going to bed.”

Color me RED.