I took what I wish I could tell you was my last drink in the beginning of October, 2007. I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt, which is another story for another day. What sobered me up was a combination of my husband’s frailty, my will to live and a gift-the blessing of clarity that comes from Jesus. I won’t even try to tell you that this road has been easy. We addicts push down the truth, and push our loved ones away-fact-and until we achieve sobriety? Well, there will be no healing, no peace, no end to the pain that holds us in bondage.
Months afterwards, I was hiking in two feet of snow with my golden retriever, Dylan. A shining star and beloved pet, it hurts my heart that I wasn’t with him for the first 5 years of his time on this earth. I was here, but I wasn’t present, and I have no memory of what could have been the best years of my life, had I not succumbed to the melodic pull of oblivion.
So I am trudging up this hill, and I am overcome with love. I feel forgiveness surround me. I cry out to God and confess the absurd backslide I have taken with alcohol and pain medication. I cry out to Jesus and I tell him to take my life, it isn’t mine to begin with, take it Jesus, mold me Jesus, cry with me and then I’ll get tough, I promise…….
“I have been here with you from the very beginning of time. I have cried your tears, tasted the salt of your remorse, and I will deliver you from this travesty……”
I think it strange, I never knew….