Trying to get something done around the house, and let’s just say the couch is winning. After feeding the felines, Jesse and I head to the couch, defeated yet eager to rest. I flip on some Christmas music, and this song is the first I hear.
I have often wondered why I simply can not grieve in front of my husband. I believe it is due in part that I know my tears upset him, and I want my lover to be happy, at peace. Watching my emotions carefully-I just took myself off of a ten year addiction, albeit to Zoloft. What began as the flu and not wanting to drive, turned into a trial run of freedom from the bondage of antidepressants. Please don’t get me wrong, I thought I was to be on this drug forever; I never gave this a second thought really -I am irrepressibly in agreement with anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications for those who suffer mental illness. I am the poster child for Ativan, yet I knew deep down that the depression had vanished. Seven days later and I have no homicidal ideation, let alone suicidal. But as I sat down to ponder, the haunting taunt of Bing Crosby’s vocals coming loudly from the surround sound, I wept.
Tomorrow my golden retriever turns five. Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes, and I can’t see the computer screen. After the loss of Jesse’s brother Dylan, four years ago, I have remained traumatized, the idea of him aging rips my heart right out of my chest, and any animal lover will understand those feelings. Not for one millisecond do I take the blessings of this year for granted. My husband’s new career, financial stability (kind of-my SSI check never amounted to much, and the monthly payments help tremendously-I had hoped to give my church an abundant Christmas tithing, and still do-but overhearing my husband discussing our mounting medical bills from a shoulder injury and physical therapy he suffered this Summer? Let’s just say I have devised a payment plan) and the miracles of being set free from physical and mental anguish are miracles, of this I am certain.
Yet I cannot contain the emotions this song bring about, so many memories of childhood Christmases -I would cut off my right arm to go back to those innocent days, ones I somehow knew were precious and rare, even back then. We lost my parents years ago, and my brother is in California with his beautiful family. There will be no Christmas phone calls, or holiday gatherings with my sister, or nieces and nephew. No Christmas Eve conversations with the best friend who tried to ruin the first real vacation my husband and I had taken in twenty five years together, and prior to that? I should have known her to be a vindictive and malicious narcissist years ago..no gift exchanges, no carols sung.
This makes me terribly sad, and lonely with an ache that permeates the air I breathe.
But none of this changes the fact that this is the time of year that we celebrate the birth of our King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords and hope to all nations. And the best part of the story is that He forgives us if we turn to Him with faith and sorrow for our sins. We are a new creation in Christ and no longer need to carry our heavy burdens or past mistakes along with us! It matters not what we have done, He will forgive us. It is because of what He has done that we are set free~
In his great mercy God has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3